....Things are starting to get better she has been in a good mood for a few days now, and the level of playfulness between us is on the rise again. On more than one occasion she has playfully tackled me and we end up rolling on the couch or the bed like little kids. We both have fun, and I feel like these tackles are really stealth hugs. She reminds me of the little girl in the playground who has a crush on a boy so she goes and smacks him in the arm.
...That being said in the past she has gotten carried away and hit me harder than is called for. I have in the past just brushed it off as if to say I'm a guy. You can't hurt me. Now though as part of getting my self respect back if she crosses the line I let her know of my displeasure and how it will not be tolerated. She has taken it pretty well, apologizes and tries to be even more playful. Stand up for the little things first.....
....All that being said we are taking a trip for my sisters graduation. She is coming but insisted we get separate beds at the hotel. A little disheartening but consistent seeing as we haven't slept in the same bed in months. I will hang out with my family, she will hang out with her cousins. I have to trust nothing will happen. I hope a little time apart will serve us well.
.....Still working on my jealousy issues.
.....That I can tell she hasn't made any moves towards that PA ever since I told her how much the thought of it bothered me. So now I have to play my part and give some trust. I know her cousins they are good people despite loving to party. I pray this weekend makes us stronger.
A few thoughts...
Playful physical interaction is good.
As to her physically hitting you harder than is appropriate....you are probably correct in it being a learned juvenile reaction to someone she cares about and feels she shouldn't. You sound like you handled it well.
My wife use to and still ocassionally does that. I am still not sure how to handle it. My responses in the past have ranged all over the place.
Once I grabbed her by the wrists, held them tightly by her side so that she had to look me in the eyes, and told her in a calm strong voice that while I loved her, it was important to our marriage that she treat me with respect. There was no physical abuse of her on my part, but it startled her and she really treated me better after that for quite a while. It also gave her something to really think about and that to me it wasn't about me, it was about our marriage.
Other times, I have tried to not make a big deal out of it and frowned and told her that what she just did was inappropriate. She would usually apologize and I would forgive her and not say a word about it again. That is boundary setting.
Other times I have calmly looked at her and as a way of "teasing" her and "calling her bluff" said to her that the only time she has my permission to "physically hit me" is if we negotiate what will happen before hand, we are in our bedroom, and she dresses up as a dominatrix (we have never done that). When I say that she kind of freaks out as to what her subconsious motives might have been. Ususally, after such a comment she is really introspective for a long time.
The point of this is that there are a variety of ways to handle the situation and the best ones are for you to quickly forget about it and let her try to figure out what her real motivation for hitting you meant. Put the burden of understanding what she is doing on her. You did a good job of setting boundaries, congratulations.
As to traveling and being in separate beds.... Well her actions are she wants to be with you, she wants to remain at your side (sort of). That is good. The two of you are not yet ready to have sex (yeah, I know you are more than physically read, but trust me, you and she are not emotionally ready for that yet).
Her visiting family is good, they can be a strong influence to bring the two of you back together. If you are lucky her father, mother, cousins just might sit her down and tell her that you are a good man and if she doesn't start treating you like a husband and lover, other women might take you away from her. Formal marriages involve family, because society knows that family pressure is important to supporting a marriage.
She probably wants her cake and to eat it to. That is by staying in the same hotel room and being there with you she can pretend to family that everything is fine and yet, she has the freedom of two beds. Don't be surprised if she doesn't look to one of her cousins for some "advice" on what to do, she really needs help and doesn't sound like she has the support group you do.
Also don't be surprised if she crawls into your bed and rubs herself against your body during your trip. She is really confused and physcially testing herself (ie the play fighting) to try to figure out her true emotions. If she does climb in your bed, be really strong, as she is testing herself and probably doesn't know the outcome.
Tell her that every fiber of your body wants to make love to her, hold her tight and become husband and wife again, but that you first need to be sure of her and that she is willing to commit to your marriage. Tell her that if she will agree to counseling then you will agree to hold her, but that you want to wait on the sex until you know it means a commitment on her part. If you can do that you will have just done an incredible 180 on her and let her know that (1) you are strong and in control of your emotions, (2) you are committed to a real marriage to her, (3) She can not use sex to physcially control you, (4) you care about her
As to jealousy issues and "playing your part" by giving her trust, you need to (1) forgive her and the pain she has put you through, (2) you need to give her unconditional love that she can count on, even when she misbehaves or challenges/tests you, and (3) you need to set boundaries and if she crosses them you need to calmly point out what she is doing and that ultimately, she will be the one who pays the price for crossing boundaries..
Good luck to you and have a great time. Tell folks about your getting back into triathalons. Tell folks about how much you are looking forward to going to your new posting with your wife so the two of you can explore the world. Let them know that you love your wife, so that if she says or acts weird they will ask her what is going on. Be loving and supportive and complementing about her to her friends and family.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
