Yeah it was awkward and I was not ready at all. I couldn't even really look at him. He didn't even say hi to me, he just went to put my bags in the car. I shook my head and put them in myself.
We drove in silence for a while and I kept thinking to myself, "Say something nice." but all I wanted to do was cry and talk about the R.
Me: Hi Him: Hi Him: How are your parents? Me: (silence for a while) I don't know how to answer that. Him: I thought that was an easy question. Me: No, it's not. Me: (silence) They're upset and frantically packing to leave. (more silence) Me: I don't know what to say to you. Him: I know. (more silence) Me: If you have anything to say, I'll listen. Him: I don't really have anything new to say. (silence for the rest of the trip until we were almost home) Him: I did the dishes and put them away so you probably won't be able to find anything. I don't know where they go. I did the laundry. And I set myself up in the guest bedroom and put all your blankets and stuff in the other room.
Then when I went up to go to bed he said he wanted to talk - did we want to do that now or... I told him I was tired and now wasn't the best time. He said tomorrow? I said I'll need a time as I have things to do. He says 9... I thought about it and I didn't really want to sit around all day waiting for 9pm so I said let's talk now.
So he asked me what my timeline is here (I don't know). He asked me if I looked over the financial split (yes) and what did I think (I told him). Then we got into a long R talk. I don't know that I hurt anything with what I said but I don't know that I helped anything either. He said he was trying to make himself more available to talk - gee how about trying this before things went this wrong? It's all a bit of a jumble but I can throw a few things out there.
I said this at one point: "You know how much I love you. You know it because I fought so hard last time for you and I will this time again. You know how hard I will work. You know you're never going to find someone else who is going to do this."
He said, "I know."
The rest was basically more of the same. I said, "what did I do to make you dislike me so much". He said, "you know it's not about that." He reiterated his standpoint that it's just that he doesn't think we can work things out through any of the available methods & it's just something that is lacking in our R in general. It's not fixable. It's too late. Etc etc.
I said it's never too late. We never tried to fix anything, we just stewed in our own negative thoughts and didn't work on anything at all. So of course when you do that, you get to this point with all that negativity. And we didn't even try to do anything the C suggested. He said he didn't think any of that would work.
I said he's going about this like it's black&white (together or not together) and that R's are gray. Plenty of other people go back and forth in the M, with doubts, separations, etc. He said he didn't see any of that working either.
I can't remember what else was said. He was doing his best, I was doing my best. I remembered to validate where I could but at one point I just said, "I would validate you more but I actually don't understand." He laughed pretty hard at that and got me laughing a little too. It felt good to laugh with him again.