The big punch

[25yearsmlc]

Journaling...

Met with the lawyer yesterday. I was apprehensive a bit. But i think in all i am relieved i did this. She said she'll take care of everything and make sure i am not getting the short end of the stick. Gotta wait to see reaction from wife now.

No, you don't. You can GAL and focus on the life you are creating for YOU and your daughter. When are you seeing her next? What club/team/organization are you joining to meet new people? Any volunteer activities you can help with? There are tons of charities who need help. What 180's are you doing? This is about YOU, NOT HER...got it?

[Redo]

25: Let me clear out the 3 year therapists issue. I was not seeing the therapists for 3 years continuously. I started seeing them regularly after daughter was born because it was at the same time my parents and wife had the 'fight'. Somehow every therapist i went to, did not work out. I went to one of them and wife came along. She wanted to know if i was bi-polar. Therapist diagnosed herself and told me i had bi-polar and asked me to get on meds which i did for a month, until i visited psychiatrist who told i had no bi-polar. Then i found a real nice therapist whom i went for 2 months. Wife kept saying she did not like him and wanted me to quit. Then in 2010, we did get very busy with daughter and yup, i stopped looking for one until aug-2010 when i started again. I thought i found one, but wife wanted to talk to her about me and i let her do that. Now i know why wife wanted to talk. She wanted to know if she should stay with me. Apparently therapist told her that it would take a decade to make me 'ok'. Wife freaked out and started planning her getaway.

To be honest, most indians dont believe in therapy. But i believed in it and tried my best to seek help to save my marriage. Problem was that i guess i was not asking the right questions to the therapists. I now know that what i needed was a life-coach. See in my marriage, everyone and their dog was dishing out their version of what i was doing wrong and how to fix things. Wife's sister, my in-laws, my parents. I think this was the logical end to our situation. At-least now i have the time and space to work on myself and improve myself.

But in a nutshell, all these can be attributed to my anxiety issues. Yup, you are right that anxiety did not help me personally. It was just an illusion. Yup, i used anxiety to be ahead at my work, studies etc. But over the years i have suffered a lot emotionally and physically (ended up with high BP in 2009).

I know that my only way out of this mess is my discarding my fears, panics etc.

[Redo]

Journaling...

Met with the lawyer yesterday. I was apprehensive a bit. But i think in all i am relieved i did this. She said she'll take care of everything and make sure i am not getting the short end of the stick. Gotta wait to see reaction from wife now.

No, you don't. You can GAL and focus on the life you are creating for YOU and your daughter. When are you seeing her next? What club/team/organization are you joining to meet new people? Any volunteer activities you can help with? There are tons of charities who need help. What 180's are you doing? This is about YOU, NOT HER...got it?

I meant it would be interesting to see her reaction. Not that i would wait around to see her reaction. See all this time, wife knew that i'd still do everything to please her. This is a clear 180 from me.
GALing: Yup, hanging out more with my bachelor colleagues at work and going out with them. Joined a cycle club near my home so i can exercise with the group. I am preparing for GRE so that next year i can apply for Phd program. That is a long term goal. Yup and i am exercising everyday and loving it. Also signed up for the local food charities volunteering program. Also planning on teaching kids some science/math at my local temple.

[25yearsmlc]

[quote=25yearsmlc][quote=mykarma]Journaling...



I meant it would be interesting to see her reaction. Not that i would wait around to see her reaction. See all this time, wife knew that i'd still do everything to please her. This is a clear 180 from me.
GALing: Yup, hanging out more with my bachelor colleagues at work and going out with them. Joined a cycle club near my home so i can exercise with the group. I am preparing for GRE so that next year i can apply for Phd program. That is a long term goal. Yup and i am exercising everyday and loving it. Also signed up for the local food charities volunteering program. Also planning on teaching kids some science/math at my local temple.

Sound like great GAL things. Good for you!! As for the "indians not believing in T..." well, is that some requirement for you to agree with?

So, you got a diagnosis from a T, then a shrink negated that but said what instead? You implied no diagnosis but, Hey, the bottom line is that your anxieties ARE problematic for you. Why'd you stop the meds? Did they help? Who cares what others think your problems are or are not?
YOU KNOW THE ANXIETY ISN'T GOOD FOR YOU. That's what matters, that's what you KNOW.

I just wish you could stop wringing your hands impotently thinking you are stuck with your "issues, can't change, don't know how, am too weak..." no matter what it costs you.

A lot of the tone of your posts hammers the point that you "tried this and that" and "it didn't work" "THEY didn't fix you" and so you are STUCK...

I don't buy it. YOU ARE ABDICATING YOUR LIFE AND HAPPINESS AND HANDING IT OVER TO OTHERS TO FIX YOU, and It's the lazy way out. You "can't help it" and you "tried"...nope, You have NOT done the DB program for more than a day. It's not others job to fix you and they can't "fix" you anyhow! Only YOU can.
Is it that you don't understand it?

What is stopping you from being stronger and not caring about others' opinions? I can't keep hammering the same thing 199 times. You need some help. You're making small steps forward but there's nothing wrong with getting help. And making that drive to see your d!

[Redo]

As for the "indians not believing in T..." well, is that some requirement for you to agree with?

No i don't agree with that

So, you got a diagnosis from a T, then a shrink negated that but said what instead

Yea he did say that i had anxiety issues. He prescribed meds. I took them for couple of months. Not much changed. Wife was getting worried that i'll have to be on meds for the rest of my life. So i slowly got out of meds and tried going without them.

A lot of the tone of your posts hammers the point that you "tried this and that" and "it didn't work" "THEY didn't fix you" and so you are STUCK...

Yea sometimes i do feel that i am stuck and helpless. But nowadays when i feel that, i get up, do something and try to get those negative feelings out. I am getting better at it now.

I don't buy it. YOU ARE ABDICATING YOUR LIFE AND HAPPINESS AND HANDING IT OVER TO OTHERS TO FIX YOU, and It's the lazy way out. You "can't help it" and you "tried"...nope, You have NOT done the DB program for more than a day. It's not others job to fix you and they can't "fix" you anyhow! Only YOU can.
Is it that you don't understand it?

Yea i used to think that if only my wife did this, did that. Now i realize that i am responsible for my happiness. Yea, i did not understand it before. I was too caught up throwing pity party for myself. Now not anymore. I realize what i've thrown away.

What is stopping you from being stronger and not caring about others' opinions?

25: please don't get me wrong here. I think it might be a cultural thing. For most indians, family and society control their life. I came to the US and exposed to freedom here when i was 21. For the majority of my life, the only people in my life were my mom and dad and their dysfunctional relationship. Not much of a reference point for me to use. From the time i could remember i saw them fight. So anxiety was part of my life from childhood. It is so deeply ingrained that it takes me a great effort to not succumb to it. But as i said, I am no longer using it as an excuse. I am working to get rid of it.

Another cultural thing that indians do is also guilt you. I was always guilted that i was not respecting my family or paying attention etc. I got the same rap from my in-laws too (even though they have been in the US for 30 years now). Hard to explain the dynamics.

But i do agree with you. At the end of the day it was up to me to decide what i need to do. But since i always operated from a place of fear, i made bad choices.
Honestly, it is NOW that i have realized. No more fear. I am ready to deal and face whatever life throws at me. In these 3 months i have developed that confidence that i'll be okay and survive. That i have the capacity to take care of myself and my daughter fully. I never had that sense of empowerment. That is why in a way i am glad that whatever happened, happened for a good reason. I am happy that this has given me an opportunity to grow as a person. Better late than never i guess.

[25yearsmlc]

myk,

I understand much of what you are saying and yes, it is better late than never.
Our childhoods affect our lives and views, for a time. When those affects are unhealthy or unrealistic or unhelpful, we alter them.

Please realize most of us here have had similar issues. You are not alone. English is not my mother's first language, so when my parents fought, she always lost. My father was an abusive alcoholic with an important gov job, so most people thought he was great but they didn't know what the home life was like. I also had no good role models for conflict resolution or what a good m looked like.

So in my 20's, when I had everything I had always wanted but still felt as if something wasn't right, I got some help. I went anywhere and everywhere I thought would help and I went enthusiastically. (I've never understood someone who feared therapy. Why would anyone not want to look at their life for ways to improve it? Even when things are good, in fact especially then, it's so important to go to a "Scenic overlook" so you can see your life and better live it. I want to live a life of intention, not happenstance. Do you understand?)

I attended some "Adult Child of an Alcoholic" meetings. I did get something out of them, but I also saw that some people were there for years, saying the same stories about bad Christmas memories, and they used their parent's alcoholism as an excuse for their own neuroses. Still blaming. Eventually I simply accepted my childhood for what it was, good and bad.

Among other things, I went to a wonderful personal growth workshop that changed my life (H went to it too, later on. It helped our m tremendously, but isn't aimed at marriages, so much as individual growth. But obviously if you both grow as individuals, your R will improve). I also saw a T or two, and I made some changes. Over time, those changes add up. I'm in a much different place than I would have been, had I not made those changes.


We lived the way my h and I chose to live, celebrating the fact that we had created a better family life or our children, than either of us grew up with. You can celebrate that too, "From this day forward" and stop looking backwards. The backward looking "OMG, My family made me this way" will have to stop so you can take responsibility for your life. IT IS EMPOWERING WHEN YOU TAKE CHARGE OF YOUR LIFE AND STOP LETTING OTHERS DICTATE ANYTHING TO YOU. EMBRACE THIS.

I think at some point in life, you accept that your childhood affected you, but you own your adult life and you take responsibility for your decisions.

I'm glad you realize that things did affect you and shape you but you own your choices now. The introvert stuff will have to be modified enough for you to join groups so you can meet people who are in healthy R's. Learn from them. See a T, use the meds if they help. In your last post, you blamed others for your decision to quit meds, as if it was anyone else's business or right to comment. Why did they even know? As you become your own man, their opinion won't matter b/c you won't be soliciting it and when it's thrown at you anyhow, you can say "I made my choice and I am not inviting comment."

You also said, in effect, that the meds didn't fix all your problems. I'm not a shrink, but that makes sense to me. I mean, the meds are an aid, not a solution. Seems to me you look for external solutions to internal problems. That's not how it works. You seem to suggest that the reasons for your neuroses and fear based decision making, is all because of them and therefore...what? You can't change that? You have to change that. And only you can. So...

When do you think you can assume the responsibility for your life? At what age do you believe you should be accountable for what happens? Finally, and most importantly, What are you going to DO, now that you realize how off base your perspective was? IOW, How are you changing?

[25yearsmlc]

myk,

I understand much of what you are saying and yes, it is better late than never.
Our childhoods affect our lives and views, for a time. When those affects are unhealthy or unrealistic or unhelpful, we alter them.

Please realize, most of us here have had similar issues. You are not alone. English is not my mother's first language, so when my parents fought, she always lost. My father was an abusive alcoholic with an important gov job, so most people thought he was great but they didn't know what the home life was like. I also had no good role models for conflict resolution or what a good m looked like.

So in my 20's, when I had everything I had always wanted but still felt as if something wasn't right, I got some help. I went anywhere and everywhere I thought would help and I went enthusiastically. (I've never understood someone who feared therapy. Why would anyone not want to look at their life for ways to improve it? Even when things are good, in fact especially then, it's so important to go to a "Scenic overlook" so you can see your life and better live it. I want to live a life of intention, not happenstance. Do you understand?)

I attended some "Adult Child of an Alcoholic" meetings. I did get something out of them, but I also saw that some people were there for years, saying the same stories about bad Christmas memories, and they used their parent's alcoholism as an excuse for their own neuroses. Still blaming. Eventually I simply accepted my childhood for what it was, good and bad.

Among other things, I went to a wonderful personal growth workshop that changed my life (H went to it too, later on. It helped our m tremendously, but isn't aimed at marriages, so much as individual growth. But obviously if you both grow as individuals, your R will improve). I also saw a T or two, and I made some changes. Over time, those changes add up. I'm in a much different place than I would have been, had I not made those changes.


We lived the way my h and I chose to live, celebrating the fact that we had created a better family life or our children, than either of us grew up with. You can celebrate that too, "From this day forward" and stop looking backwards. The backward looking "OMG, My family made me this way" will have to stop so you can take responsibility for your life. IT IS EMPOWERING WHEN YOU TAKE CHARGE OF YOUR LIFE AND STOP LETTING OTHERS DICTATE ANYTHING TO YOU. EMBRACE THIS.

I think at some point in life, you accept that your childhood affected you, but you own your adult life and you take responsibility for your decisions.

I'm glad you realize that things did affect you and shape you but you own your choices now. The introvert stuff will have to be modified enough for you to join groups so you can meet people who are in healthy R's. Learn from them. See a T, use the meds if they help. In your last post, you blamed others for your decision to quit meds, as if it was anyone else's business or right to comment. Why did they even know? As you become your own man, their opinion won't matter b/c you won't be soliciting it and when it's thrown at you anyhow, you can say "I made my choice and I am not inviting comment."

You also said, in effect, that the meds didn't fix all your problems. I'm not a shrink, but that makes sense to me. I mean, the meds are an aid, not a solution. Seems to me you look for external solutions to internal problems. That's not how it works. You seem to suggest that the reasons for your neuroses and fear based decision making, is all because of them and therefore...what? You can't change that? You have to change that. And only you can. So...

When do you think you can assume the responsibility for your life? At what age do you believe you should be accountable for what happens? Finally, and most importantly, What are you going to DO, now that you realize how off base your perspective was? IOW, How are you changing?

[Redo]

25: As for for my childhood issues and how they controlled my adult life, I am going to lot of meetup groups on anxiety disorder and others just so i can learn and figure out how to improve my life. This is not part of my GAL activities, but i do attend them.

Meds: Nope, i never depended on meds to help me. What made it worse was that wife kept asking why i was not getting better 2 weeks after taking them. I know that she too was stressing out on what was happenning to our relationship. That is why i think this break that i got is good. I am using this time wisely now.

When do you think you can assume the responsibility for your life? At what age do you believe you should be accountable for what happens? Finally, and most importantly, What are you going to DO, now that you realize how off base your perspective was? IOW, How are you changing?

A week after my wife threw the bomb while i was visiting india, i sat down and wrote down what i felt were my contributions. And boy there were a lot. Then i read them and made a group of which of those i should start addressing and how. I have assumed responsibility for my behavior in my marriage. I am changing by taking each day right now as a test to see how i am behaving an tweaking my behavior.

[25yearsmlc]

sounds good but very very vague. Can you be specific about what you are doing to address your issues? Can you set some measurable, specific goals?

[Redo]

My issues were:

Panic/anxiety : I am attending my local anxiety disorder meetup group. Helps a lot to know how others are dealing with it.

No social network and being introverted: This made all my little issues just bigger. Now i am making sure i hang out with my guy friends. I never did this before and is helping me a lot in terms of learning how normal people and families function.

Also some of my GAL activities like group cycling is helping me.

Weight: I think to some extent, my being overweight definitely helped me to quickly slide down the emotionally destructive path. I am exercising regularly now and have good weight to make me feel good about myself. Helps with my self confidence.

Dealing with family: I am now able to deal with family better. Before i always felt guilty and was torn between how to keep everyone happy. Now i am able to recognize that i am not really the keeper of my parents happiness. I definitely help them if needed, but i now dont fall into the guilt trap. I guess in a way i am learning to live for myself and not for others.

Hobbies: I've always been a hobbies person. If it is not woodworking or metalworking, it is RC or doing something for the house. I now realize that i've been using hobbies as an escape from me dealing with my issues. Sometimes i feel that if had spent half my hobby time with my wife, I might have made our marriage work. So i have almost got rid of all my hobbies. I say almost. I initially thought that i should get rid of everything. But if i do that, that is not me. What i am trying to do right now is to balance out my hobbies with my other activities. Hobbies will always be a part of my life. What i need to is find a healthy balance, and i am trying to do that.

Letting go of the rope when it comes to wife: This has been the hardest part. Since wife always says that her leaving me was because she could not take my dysfunction anymore, I am having harder time forgiving myself and trying to move on. But yes, i am in a better place than i was 2 months ago. I am learning and accepting that 2 people contribute to this and i cannot guilt myself into taking all the blame.

As i said since i have time, I am introspecting my entire life and way i am living. Seems like a big overhaul, but i am doing it.