Today is a hard day!!!

[25yearsmlc]

well if you are handling all this and she's simply not, then she has to see a professional. Don't ask her, take her. Or have HIM take her.

Also, I don't think it's necessary that you not show her ANY pain, b/c you do feel it and the thing is, she needs to know that you are in pain AND YET...you are healing yourself...as opposed to thinking it's all good. Are you watching chick flicks more? Seriously, that was one of the first fun things my d's and I did when h was gone. Tried to see the upside and you know, there WERE some...and then they got more important, and bigger, and we ended up making new routines that were fulfilling for us. Sometimes it made h feel out of place when he came to visit, but that's not my problem or responsibility. I wonder if your d can have her dad at home with her more, if she's so unhappy in his place? Why are you insisting that they go there?

Also, I am not clear why you say HE left b/c YOU were not happy, and now you are happy, and therefore...what?? Not clear for me.

[Confused423]

25,

You raise alot of questions for me and you are right...there ARE some positives and upsides to him not being here! We actually do watch a lot more chick flicks and do alot more girly things. We try to do a "spa" day every 2 weeks and she LOVES that as do I. I do show her some pain, but not the "crying" kind. I just let her know that I miss him too and that it's OK to miss him.

Let's see if I can explain the "I was not happy" thing. About 3 years ago, I was put on the IUD and unfortunately, it did not work well with my body. I really didn't notice much at first except that I was feeling a little tired. Then in 2009 I lost my job and the feelings started to get worse. I was in a FULL on depression and didn't realize it. I just thought that I was tired and angry. Unfortunately, I took it out on my family. I was angry, I was tired, I felt put upon ALL of the time. I didn't want to go anywhere, I didn't want to do anything, and according to my husband I made him feel like nothing more than a paycheck. I had no sex drive at all, I slept 12 hours a night and felt like I hadn't slept at all. I went to the doctor on multiple occassions because I knew something was wrong with me, but they couldn't figure out what it was.

In June of last year, I thought what is WRONG with me. There has to be a reason that I am feeling the way that I do. So...I began to think back to when these feelings REALLY started and I made the connection. I started to do research on the IUD and realized that I was not the only one that had these types of issues. Evidently, progesterone does not agree with some women's bodies. It had created a chemical imbalance in my body and completely changed my personality. I was AWFUL!! I am usually a bubbly, laughing, fun person. The IUD made me mean and hateful.

I truly understand my Hs reasons for wanting out and can honestly validate those feelings for him. However, I had the IUD removed in Sept. when I finally convinced my doctor to do it!! At that point though, OW was already in the picture and he refused to see the changes that were going on inside of me. He has told me since that he just didn't think he had any love left for me anymore, but now, he doesn't feel that way.

It's frustrating for me because I was sick (for lack of a better word) and he says he can't trust that I won't go back to that.

My H is here almost everyday with my D. I don't really insist that she go over to his place, but I thought that it would help her get used to being there. He's not always going to be able to stay at our house until she goes to bed at night. If he continues with OW, there will come a time when that just will not be a possibility. I'm just trying to prepare her for that time.

I hope this helps you get a better handle on the situation.

[25yearsmlc]

when he comes over to see her, why don't you go out to one of your GAL activities? And be upbeat and excited about it too. MAYBE even a tad mysterious...Must you be there, at all his visits? I'd be scarce, but I'd look and be at my BEST, and then I'd be in a rush to GAL elsewhere...when you return, you are refreshed and excited but mysterious..."just finished laughing..." etc...

I'm still not clear on why your claim that the IUD made you depressed, makes the OW more attractive to h. What?? Forget the IUD. Are you saying you were mistreating him and she's not? Okay...If so, then you need to really counter those negative reasons he had that justified leaving, with contrasting images. IF he said you were controlling then you become THE cool wife... Nothing fazes you, you are so easy going...make sense??? Don't fuel the negatives. BEFORE you say something (NO R talk from you!!) ask yourself if you'll be getting any closer to your goals by saying it...and be honest. IF a comment has NEVER before gotten a good response, why would it the 637th time you say it?

I'd stop talking abput the hormones or IUD and just own that you mistreated him, and that it's not a problem anymore. After all, a problem being worked on, is no longer a problem... (I just think it sounds like an excuse, and blaming, even if there is some medical truth to it. )

good luck