Mission 25. I Really Mean it this time>

[25yearsmlc]

You are amazing 25 at seeing the problem and telling it like it is. I sometimes see my sitch as a hollywood movie and what would the lead actor do. And that is not the way to go IF i want her back and you are spot on about everything you said.

Thanks, you're very kind. It's paying it forward, b/c I was very helped by the DB books and this support system and a wonderful DB coach.

I have to let go of the anger and really see my role in all this.

Yes you do, mandatory.

I didnt make her feel special and took her for granted. Yes she was depressed and yes she blamed alot of her unhappiness behind her depression, but I was also selfish at times and put my needs ahead of hers.

I read that 90% if women suffering from depression, have critical spouses. Learn from your experience and make changes so you know that no matter what happens to your M, you will be a better man for this and a better role model for your son. What are you doing for Mother's Day? How about helping your son do something for her? Nothing over the top (unless he wants to) but do NOT let him give her the cold shoulder. The worse she feels about their r, the greater the chance she'll pull away from him even more. It's too much for most mothers to cope with and it explains the WAWs who leave their kids for long periods. Too much guilt to face...


I dont think that she had the right answer because my biggest mistake was looking at my peers and their relationships and they always said I was too good to my wife. And I saw how they treated their wives and thought that i was indeed better than them in our relationship but all that is meaningless now.

You need new friends. Seriously, if we saw partner's mistreating each other, which we did years ago, my h and I did NOT spend time with them again. We specifically choose couples with healthy relationships, (at least what we see in public) and we avoid couples who fight or mistreat each other. They are toxic. I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH.... We learned that early in our M. That was a mistake we did not make.


I still get confused about this whole cake eating thing on this board. If i am her friend, does that not validate everything that she has done and allows her to continue her relationship with OM with less guilt?

I am not certain what you are asking. But Guilting her is not going to help you. Period. The wish for guilt in her, doesn't come from a place of love, wisdom or kindness in you. It's punitive, and it is not effective, etc. PERHAPS more importantly, you need to realize that if she came back to you b/c of guilt it would only lead her away from home, in time. I have not seen ANY m's restored b/c of guilt. The WAS who returns b/c of guilt, always resents it. I think you've experienced this, correct? So you know what does NOT work, right? Cross that behavior off your list.

When you are really stuck at a cross roads between 2 choices, ask yourself where the behavior you are leaning towards, comes from. Is it a place of love, forgiveness, strength, honor, or is it a punishment, a "teaching her a lesson", a "showing her the consequences!" type of place? Sometimes we lie to ourselves and pretend we have good motives, but if we are honest with ourselves and see through the BS, we realize we are not
coming from a place of light, but of dark, and then we know that's not the choice to make. Sometimes in all the confusion that was the only way I could figure things out. If I made the wrong choice, at least I knew I was coming from a good place.

The closer she feels to your son, the better. The more comfortable she is at home or with you or him, the better. Doesn't mean to be "too available or needy or a doormat" but, I have seen zero R's helped by cold or distant behavior. What are you asking?




That is my biggest dillema. I do have to get rid of the anger for sure.

One thing, I dont regret snooping because she was treating me so badly and having an affair and something had to give there. What I do regret is how i reacted to that. I was so angry the first day that I pushed her away so badly and that may be something she never recovers from.

People cheating or leaving, often vilify their spouse to justify their action. If they can provoke the LBSer into misbehaving or losing their temper, it validates their choice to leave or cheat. You fueled her fire. Stop that. Calmly insist on respectful behavior and model it towards her, esp in front of your son. Now that you know of the A, is there any point to further snooping? Other than for some legal reasons in the event of a divorce and only IF it's relevant in that state, I submit there's no value in further snooping.


She did tell me when we recon the first time, she felt so guilty about the affair that she was rude and distant to me on purpose hopint that I would lose my call and justify her actions.

Yes-See my note above. Don't try to reconcile until you know you can handle it better. You might not get a 3rd or 4th chance but if you do, don't blow it.


But i was so nice to her and patient when she came back and that made her more angry. Her exact words. She felt more guilty the nicer I was to her. Like I said, something had to give.

What does that mean? You stopped being patient and nice? Or she left anyhow? At some point she'll have to know you won't hang it over her head or make her climb Mt Everest to "prove" her worth to you. Or she won't bother trying to recon.

When you model acceptance and understanding of why she left and own your contribution to the problems, and change your behavior and make those changes real, SHE WILL CHANGE...regardless of whether you recon, she'll wonder if she's missing out on the "best" you, and now some OW will get the benefits of the work you did as married people. Like she got the "practice" you and some OW will get the finished final product....all the things she wanted from you, finally...you have to be a man only a fool would leave. But no woman wants to be tortured the rest of her life b/c of a mistake. And even though I do NOT condone affairs, I have to say, most women who have A's, feel justified when they are, b/c of some serious issues in their m, which you know. Meaning, she had her reasons. I'm Not defending her A, I'm just saying she's not insane to have had one or for leaving.


My oldest son says that she is not happy right now. That she loses her temper for the slightest things.

Oh, trouble in paradise? Then it's your job to be the better choice, isn't it? Model that behavior...with no expectations. Give it way more time with consistent changes in you, and then triple the time you allotted.

I really dont know what I want for sure at the moment. I wish I could be more like you were 25 when you decided that you would lovingly detach and close the door but not lock it.

I backslid a lot. Lots of 2 steps forward and one back...I was also at this longer than you have been. I met some wonderful people here, and was very helped by some people. There were a few men who were particularly good for me, and for whom I will be eternally grateful. And I had a wonderful DB coach. If I could only do one thing for my m again, it would be to get a good DB coach who I really "got" and who "got" me. I still re-read my notes from our conversations. They are very specific and detailed in their advice, and as expensive as people say they are, divorce is way more expensive... I also had a good MC, and friends, and read as much as possible, worked out, GAL, detached, etc. I made a lot of mistakes. I still do.

You say you have a dilemma and I"m not sure I get that. You can move forward in your life in a way that isn't rude or cold to your w. Do you see that?


Somedays I think I am there and then I miss her so much.

I have been following your advice to Denver and 2step, ( 2 great guys) and am starting to see more and more that I need to be friendlier to her but not initiate any type of R talk.

That is the way to go right?

Yes I think so. Do not bring up the R at all. If she does, veer off it, if all she's doing is probing...b/c if she is actually moving back toward you and has clarity, then you LISTEN....but if she's just teasing or playing around or not even thinking much about it, pay no attention. I would emotionally ignore those comments unless they are crystal clear and then cross that bridge when you get to it. You avoid needless confusion this way. I mean, you don't want to goof around wondering and obsessing, unless she's really clear and committed to the M, and you'll know if and when that happens....Make sense? I think that's a ways off, fyi. But not hopeless.

Thanks for checking in 25. I dont know how you maintain a job and do so much councelling.

We are all blessed that you have come forward.

9

I'm on spring break, and just finished a huge project so I have more free time, for now. It ends soon though. But I am happy if this helps.