Am I on the right track?

[islander]

Like I said, I think your best bet is to be patient. Let her contact you, and be friendly with her. They suggest, and I failed at this, to not accept every invitation she gives you.

You are in a better position to db than you think right now. You can thunk, just don't analyze everything. She is lost and things she says don't mean as much to her as they do to you. As LBS, we try to find meaning in everything.

[Denver_2010]

Waiting equals passive. Don't wait...move. This is where you focus on doing something DIFFERENT. Anything, just do it differently...damn just do something right? Anything.

Hope is something you put deep inside, but you focus on what makes you happy. Waiting feels like eternity, but doing something makes eternity fly by. Get what I'm saying?

Faith, I'm a little confused here...are you talking about GAL stuff or are you suggesting I draw the proverbial line in the sand with her?

He's saying GAL ... and if he's not, then that is what I am saying. Don't draw that line in the sand unless you are willing to end your M Moose.

I'm going to fake it like a you-know-what when I see her this weekend for MIL's BDay/Mothers Day. I want to be in the best possible mood to hang out with the in-laws, and honestly, it should be a lot of fun. But I'm really hoping that she says something...anything.

I'm not asking for her to pull a 180 and say she's sorry.

Here's what I really want to hear:

"Moose, I do still love you, and I'm willing to try to put us back together. I am afraid that it won't work and that you'll just go back to the way you were, but I'm willing to let you at least try to prove yourself to me again."

And while I'm on that, I want to write out what I'd love to see happen if everything worked out perfectly. I figure if I get it out here, I'll be less likely to open my mouth this weekend and blurt it all out to W. Here goes.

1) W comes home

2) We start seeing MC again, with W telling MC that she's willing to work on the M...which she was unable to do a month ago.

3) Date night once a week

And that's it. Honestly, when I thought about doing this, I figured I'd be typing for an hour or more...guess not. I'm actually a little proud of myself, I've lowered my expectations SOOOOO much since even last week. Hopefully this will help me to not put expectations on her.

I know this is a little all over the place, but I guess that fits since that's how I feel. I just want her home.

Moose - I'm concerned about your expectations for this weekend. Trust me, oh trust me, I understand. And I also recognize that I am much better at looking at others' situations and giving good DB advice than I am in my own right now. But listen...

I don't know how familiar you are with my sitch. You can go back to the begging of my threads and read it if you like. But it is was much worse than your's is right now. My M was on it's deathbed. I gave myself at best a 10% chance of saving it. That was an honest assessment. My W was angry with me, wouldn't talk to me, wouldn't let me have contact with my SS, and said things to me that I cannot repeat here. It was bad. This was for all of November and December... and half of January.

Then things started to slowly get better... she began to initiate contact with me ... usually by text ... to ask me meaningless things like how to make my spagetti sauce... slowly that grew into what it was in March ... and now the valley that I am in now.

How did I get there? NOT by words man... by actions. I gave her the space that she needed, I patiently waited... when we did have contact I NEVER brought up R or OM ... I acted 'as if' I was healthy, happy and upbeat. I bought new clothes, got a new hair style, and made sure that every single day I looked the best that I could JUST IN CASE I saw her... and only once did I by surprise... but it paid off (she commented on my new clothes)...

The point is... I didn't pressure her or pursue her... but I also didn't give up hope. I didn't file for D and when she said that she wanted to, I told her that I would not help her with that bc I didn't want it and wouldn't help her end our M and destroy our family. I told her that she knew where I was.

What was her initial plan when she left? To end our M... she was DONE. And every time I say that I use capital letters bc that is what she truly thought.

What did my DBing do to her plan? It caused her to become confused about that plan... about that initial decision. It caused her to doubt what she was doing. This was done through actions, patience, and time ... NOT words!!! NOT words!!!

So... my point? YOU go this weekend and DB your a$s off! That means you go and show her, through ACTIONS, how much fun you are, what a great guy you are, and how F&*(ing crazy she would have to be to end her M with you. That's what you do!!!

DO NOT go into it hoping to hear particular words from her... or with the plan to use words to communicate something to her THAT SHE HAS ALREADY HEARD!!!

Let go of the expectations and just go be a fun, great, guy! That is DBing my friend.

whew... I just wrote that as much for me as I did for you as I have to do the same exact thing this weekend at my W's bro's wedding and mothers day.

I will leave you with this... it is something that a dear friend of mine who is very familiar with DB imparted to me the other night ... and it became one of my the 14 pillars of my new strategy posted on my thread ...

"Continue to create confusion in my W about her initial decision. When my W left, she was DONE. DBing has allowed me to get her to a point of confusion on that initial decision. This has, and continues to be, a good thing. I do this by continuing with my 180's and being the better man."

Actually, I will leave you with my fight song... "THIS IS WAR" by 30 Seconds to Mars...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hMAVLXk9QWA

And for you and I, and so many others here, this is war... you want to put OM's head on your mantle? Then you have to approach this as war... but fight smart... tactically... you can do this Moose...

[sandi2]

I don't think you are going to listen to me, but I'm going to tell you anyway. She's putting you on the back burner and she'll continue to jerk you around as long as you allow her to do so. A WAW has to experience, or see, a terrific loss before she'll let go of the OM. Something has to happen in order for her to get her eyes open and see what she will be losing. The reason so many LBH's find themselves in "limbo" is b/c the WAW has not felt or seen any loss in her life. So, there's no reason for her to change her mind.

Has your W felt true loss yet? You have. You are about to die due to your loss, but it has to be her loss. You are right there....and you keep reminding her that you will be there whenever she needs you. You are giving her the sense of family & home, yet she can have an A. She is having a weekend with mom and you'll be right by her side to make the picture perfect, so mom won't ask questions. What do you think her mother would say if she knew what was really going on with her D?

That's why your W wants you to show up at her mother's house for the holiday.

[NEmoose43]

First off, REALLY tough ride home from work tonight. Was listening to a country station and heard the song "Draw Me A Map" by Dierks Bentley. Holy sh-t...I had to pull over. Totally broke down in the breakdown lane, which is appropriate I suppose. Then I get home, and my father is watching The Office episode where Jim and Pam get married. Seriously, it's like a bad movie around here tonight. I get composed enough to get home and then have to walk in on that??? Spent another half hour in the bedroom before I could stop the tears.

Anyway...

Denver, thank you so much. You and Navy were the first two threads I actually read. And my plan was to go to into the weekend for her mom, not for her. As to my post earlier about what I wanted to hear...I was really saying that just to get it out of my system. I don't expect to hear any of that. After yesterday, I'm really expecting to get served anytime now. Which is why the texts from today surprised the F out of me. I didn't even try to continue the conversation, W kept it going. I am NOT going to let her know how crushed I feel right now and I fully intend to DB like crazy this weekend. I know I can do it...and at this point I really do not have any expectations for the weekend at all.

Sandi, thank you for dropping that on me. I really do appreciate your perspective and I do understand where you're coming from, but this woman has treated me like a son, and I want to do this for her, not for W. I haven't shown her enough appreciation for all that she's done for me, and realistically, this might be one of my last chances. I'm trying, I really am. I know I need to pull further back. I need to stop inviting her home. I need to stop saying the same things. And I need to just let my actions speak for me. Now I just need to put on my big boy pants and stop backsliding.

[Denver_2010]

First off, REALLY tough ride home from work tonight. Was listening to a country station and heard the song "Draw Me A Map" by Dierks Bentley. Holy sh-t...I had to pull over. Totally broke down in the breakdown lane, which is appropriate I suppose. Then I get home, and my father is watching The Office episode where Jim and Pam get married. Seriously, it's like a bad movie around here tonight. I get composed enough to get home and then have to walk in on that??? Spent another half hour in the bedroom before I could stop the tears.

Had to laugh here Moose... only bc it reminded me of my day. I came home, turned on the t.v. and the movie "He's Just Not that into You" was on. I ended up having it on in the background while I tried to kill time here on the board. F'ing movie had me in tears...

I DO NOT recommend this movie for anyone here on this board btw... LOL

BITS
Denver

[NEmoose43]

Yeah, F that movie. Except for Scarlett Johannsen, she can stay.

I do not recommend catching the end of 50 First Dates either...that version of Somewhere Over the Rainbow at the end is a killer.

Think I'm going to go ahead and play some Call of Duty tonight...might get a little aggression out to battle it out with some people on XBox Live for a while.

[NEmoose43]

Okay folks, that pinging noise you hear is my WTF meter going off again. W just opened a FB chat with me a minute ago, and we spent a few minutes talking about her last exam tomorrow and how tough it's going to be. I won't transcribe only because most of it was detail on exercise physiology and her professor.

Anyway, she closes it with

"OK, I have to get off FB or I'm never going to get through this, was just hoping you'd be on."

and then:

"OK if I say goodnight later?"

So I said: "I'm pretty beat, but I'll leave my phone on."

W - "Don't worry, it won't be late, this stuff is putting me to sleep pretty quickly."

Honestly everyone, I'm sensing guilt from her. Of course, it could also just be what Sandi was talking about earlier where she's just trying to make me dance to her tune. I don't know.

You guys have any thoughts? I'm really trying not to read too much into this.

[islander]

First, I remember hearing that song on the radio shortly after the bomb and it crushed me, then I bought it...I guess I am a glutton for pain.

Second, I don't know why you are expecting to get served any day. I don't see it. Your expectations are all over the place, which I do understand.


Third, I think this is great advice, and I am going to start living it. You would be wise to do the same thing, but I couldn't do it before either. I did not think I was strong enough. Time is your friend, not your enemy...

I don't think you are going to listen to me, but I'm going to tell you anyway. She's putting you on the back burner and she'll continue to jerk you around as long as you allow her to do so. A WAW has to experience, or see, a terrific loss before she'll let go of the OM. Something has to happen in order for her to get her eyes open and see what she will be losing. The reason so many LBH's find themselves in "limbo" is b/c the WAW has not felt or seen any loss in her life. So, there's no reason for her to change her mind.

Has your W felt true loss yet? You have. You are about to die due to your loss, but it has to be her loss. You are right there....and you keep reminding her that you will be there whenever she needs you. You are giving her the sense of family & home, yet she can have an A. She is having a weekend with mom and you'll be right by her side to make the picture perfect, so mom won't ask questions. What do you think her mother would say if she knew what was really going on with her D?

That's why your W wants you to show up at her mother's house for the holiday.

[Denver_2010]

Yeah, F that movie. Except for Scarlett Johannsen, she can stay.

YES... Scarlett can stay. But F that movie! LOL

BITS Denver

[Denver_2010]

Okay folks, that pinging noise you hear is my WTF meter going off again. W just opened a FB chat with me a minute ago, and we spent a few minutes talking about her last exam tomorrow and how tough it's going to be. I won't transcribe only because most of it was detail on exercise physiology and her professor.

Anyway, she closes it with

"OK, I have to get off FB or I'm never going to get through this, was just hoping you'd be on."

and then:

"OK if I say goodnight later?"

So I said: "I'm pretty beat, but I'll leave my phone on."

W - "Don't worry, it won't be late, this stuff is putting me to sleep pretty quickly."

Honestly everyone, I'm sensing guilt from her. Of course, it could also just be what Sandi was talking about earlier where she's just trying to make me dance to her tune. I don't know.

You guys have any thoughts? I'm really trying not to read too much into this.

I am just as guilty of this in the past couple of weeks as anyone, but you are reading too much into everything. Just look at each positive contact as a small step or a small victory towards your goal of reconciliation. You can't mind read right? So don't try.

BITS
Denver