When It Rains, It Pours

[islander]

I think Kaffe's advice sounds pretty solid, along with the offer of support that you have given. I don't have any personal experience with this, but I would think just knowing people are there to support you would be the most important thing.

[♪CS♪]

So as far as attending, I say DO IT. Do the usual condolences. If it's a traditional funeral, you would have likely been sitting with the family. Considering the circumstances, you may not be asked to sit with them. Just know that could be the case. Otherwise, respectful distance but not "back of the bus".

Thank you. I will definitely be going to the service. I am not sure what to expect. He is being cremated, so it will not be a graveside service. That is all I have any experience with, so this will be new to me. I will have no expectations as to what the family will want of me. Whatever they ask.

The bad stuff came from the people who wanted me to talk to them about how I was feeling. I know these people were just trying to help, but like I said, I'm still dealing with it to this day, so I sure as sh-t didn't want to talk about it then! And I also remember a lot of people who wanted to talk about what they remembered about my mom, good memories, funny stories, that kind of thing. There were times when I wanted to hear that stuff, but there were other times when I just wanted to strangle anyone that said it.

Great post moose. A lot of good information in there for me. This part was perfect for getting a better understanding of what people want and don't want.


BTW, while typing this, W started texting me about D. We have gone back and forth a few times. I am sure it is helping her get her mind off of things.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

cs
I lost both my parents. my
mom actually died in my arms. that
was very tough. that was before
i was m. my father past away give years
ago. not as hard as when my mom died.people
people deal with death in their
own unique way. some like to
be left only, some need the
support of their family and
some need friends. all we can do
as an outsider is be what
ever the mourning party needs
us to be. remember they may
need nothing from us.

I know you want to be there for her
offer once and let her decide how
she grieves.

[♪CS♪]

cs
I lost both my parents. my
mom actually died in my arms. that
was very tough. that was before
i was m. my father past away give years
ago. not as hard as when my mom died.people
people deal with death in their
own unique way. some like to
be left only, some need the
support of their family and
some need friends. all we can do
as an outsider is be what
ever the mourning party needs
us to be. remember they may
need nothing from us.

I know you want to be there for her
offer once and let her decide how
she grieves.

Very good advice, gr8, thanks.

The last couple convos I have backed off on offering help, and I have noticed she wants to talk about other things. So I have done that with her.

Tonight, the texts back and forth about D are really nice. I am glad she wanted to talk to me to get her mind off of things.

[~ kd ~]

Also remember, like a wedding, after a funeral things start to flood into the mind a few days after. During the time, it's just a matter of being there.

So understand that it is VERY likely that she might start reading your actions during this time and the funeral as being inside her created boundaries.

Be prepared to have to back off a LOT within a week or so following. Again, following the rule. Be there for her if she asks, but otherwise again, maintain respectful distance.

As far as cremations, most I have been to have still been traditional. Only two that had no mass, just memorial / graveside service. So same rules apply.

Also know... the funeral home will know protocol on this. They will (should) tactfully discover the family dynamics and determine best arrangement. If you want to know in advance you could contact the funeral chapel to find out how the deal with separated family members.

[♪CS♪]

Great info Kaffe, much appreciated.

Like I mentioned before, W and I were going back and forth on text a bit. I let her know that I could pic D up anytime if needed (think I mentioned I would offer this before).

W replies: Thanks. You have been so helpful and nice. I won't forget it.

Please slap me over the head with a 2x4 that says "no expectations" on it!

For now, though, I will take it. At least I can feel like my actions have come across well.

[♪CS♪]

I just went through all of our photo albums to find pictures of FIL. Found some really good ones. Ones I forgot we had.

Talk about a trip down memory lane...

You know though, I felt OK. The sections I knew didn't have any FIL pictures I skipped. No need to focus on that right now. A lot of pictures made me smile, not sad.

I feel pretty strong right now. I'll definitely need all the strength I can get in the next coming days...

[islander]

Were here for you man. Be strong bc you are

[Denver_2010]

Great info Kaffe, much appreciated.

Like I mentioned before, W and I were going back and forth on text a bit. I let her know that I could pic D up anytime if needed (think I mentioned I would offer this before).

W replies: Thanks. You have been so helpful and nice. I won't forget it.

Please slap me over the head with a 2x4 that says "no expectations" on it!

For now, though, I will take it. At least I can feel like my actions have come across well.

BAM! ... on the expectations Country. (had to use your 'BAM'... sorry)

You are doing this bc you are genuinely concerned about your W, right?

BITS
Denver

[ninelives]

B STrong country. B the country we love on this board. No expectaions and dont be disappointed if she doesnt react in a way you would expect.

NO R talk . IF she initiates, steer away.

I made that mistake during her moms death. She baited me into r talk and it went poorly.

Be strong, B there just for her.

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