Digging Through Old Email

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Tipper and Sunshine.

Kids and pets are often a great judge of a persons character.

I've heard this too and it is all so very true.

I kind of felt bad for him, but he has neglected her profusely over the last year, when He used to give her all sorts of play time and walks and attention.

Yeah. I feel bad for W too and then I feel bad for me for feeling bad. I really don't know why I should feel bad for her.

As for my marriage it was too little too late. With that said.....please listen and remove yourself now before it's too late for you. It will not only help you get thru this faster but may help save your marriage too.

I agree. However, how do I be her "friend" like she wants if I'm never around? Confusing as hell.

I wanted to also say this to you about fb. You said your ex reads your page right? Well if I was her and read some of the stuff that lady is writing on there I would think it was an attempt to make me jealous...whether it is or isn't. She could look at that as you still holding on. Just a thought. Don't give her ammo.

She reads it from time to time to "check on me" I think. I actually thought about removing those comments then thought "why should I? SHE has already moved on." I thought the comments were innocent enough. Maybe I'll delete them.

She loves you, that's what makes her crazy!

I'm not so sure Renee. I would think that if she loved me, she wouldn't have done this and been so hateful to me. Are they (the MLCer) really confused?

Tad

[MHL]

As for my marriage it was too little too late. With that said.....please listen and remove yourself now before it's too late for you. It will not only help you get thru this faster but may help save your marriage too.

I agree. However, how do I be her "friend" like she wants if I'm never around? Confusing as hell.

I think that it is worth mentioning that YOU have to be in a place where you are ready to be her "friend", otherwise you are just going to hurt yourself.

I remember reading DR over and over again.......and wanting to do the things in the book that MWD outlines.

However, unless you have truly worked on yourself and made improvements to YOURSELF for YOURSELF anything you do that may get her to look your way will all be for nothing.....

Think about what she will see.......

The same person she left to begin with.

What is confusing to us the LBS is that they act nice to us.

They feel sorry for us in some ways and if they can "normalize" a situation that is far from normal that somehow it will all be okay.

She has to miss you before you can be her friend.......

It will take TIME to miss you.......much longer than you think.

If you are reading DR and coming here it is the one thing that is said over and over and over again.

It is the hardest thing to get through your head, trust me I know.

It will take weeks if not months.......SUX BIG TIME, but it is the reality that you have to grab hold of.

What do you do with that time??????

Work on you.......The time is a gift.

Use it.

The two things you need to do during this time are both YOU focused.

Working on you, exercising, getting a job, find a hobby, fly a kite, run naked through a grassy meadow....(opps wrong forum)

Working on detachment/letting go of her focusing on your feelings, dealing with your pain, dealing with your issues, basically rewiring your brain to accept your situation and move your life forward.

Everything else can wait.....if you hit a bump in the road....come here, the support as you are finding out is amazing!!!

Happy Little Friday!!!!

Cheers

[tadpole1025]

Thanks MHL. You've been a great help. I had some contact with W today. Of course it was negative. I'll explain it further below. I do have a question though. You said:

She has to miss you before you can be her friend.......

It will take TIME to miss you.......much longer than you think.

With OM in the picture, will she EVER miss me? How can she miss me when she has already replaced me?

So.....Sunday night when I picked up S16, she told me that she may pick him up this weekend on Friday or Saturday. Today is Thursday so I sent her a text wanting to know what the plan was:

M: Are you picking up S16 on Friday or Saturday?

W: Who said anything about Friday? Why what's up?

M: I was just wondering because on Sunday night you told S16 and me that you'll pick him up on either Friday or Saturday.

W: Nothing had been finalized. I have a major paper due for my final on Monday. I am working on it as we speak. I will be lucky to get it done by Monday and will probably be pulling an all-nighter on Sunday. I explained this might be the case to S16 last weekend. I told him that I'd pick him up AROUND 4pm on Saturday.

M: Ok. I was just curious. No biggie.

***** NOW SHE GETS NASTY *****

W: Then don't bust my chops and twist sh!t around. I am under enough stress with finals for 2 degrees.

M: My God. I wasn't busting your chops or twisting sh!t around. I told you that I was just curious. Have a wonderful day!

W: Whatever dude. I don't have time for your b.s.

I didn't respond.

What gives? Why is she so f-ing nasty and mean to me?

She even got very nasty with S18 today.

Last weekend, she took pictures of him and his girlfriend before they went to the prom. She told him that she would email the pictures to him this past Monday.

He texted and asked her about them today.

She went on some tirade about how everyone can wait for them and f-off. She then went on to say that it is too hard to send them all through email. Then she starts demanding pictures that his girlfriend's mom took. Wow.

What is her deal? She is so angry not just at me but everyone.

She obviously isn't happy with her "new" life.

Are they all this angry?

Tad

[dl443322]

Sweetie, most of them are angry. Angry that they cant figure out what the heck is wrong with them. They know they arent happy, so they lash out at those who are closest to them. It cant possibly be them, so it must be you.

So. they try to get rid of the spouse. Then when that doesnt make them happy, they try something else.

But, you see how we keep telling you that for right now, you need to limit contact. If you dont, you are going to get more of the same.

Tad, you keep asking the same questions, we keep giving you the same answers. And round and round you go.

She is in crisis. And only she can get out of it. You need to get out of her way.

There was no reason for you to contact her today. Your children are old enough to deal with her on their own. She saw it as you pressuring her. You not understanding what she is asking for - space.

The sooner you get this, the better for you.

Quit trying to figure out why she is like this.

Just accept that this is the way it is right now.

[tadpole1025]

Yes, Brooklyn. I know. I feel like such an idiot too.

They know they arent happy.

Really?

Just accept that this is the way it is right now.

Somedays I can.

Somedays are harder than others.

Thanks!

Tad

[punkin]

Tad,

My XH is the poster boy for MAD. I am a reasonable person. I know I did not do the things he alleges, or not do the things he says. We are not dealing with reasonable. Brooklyn is right. Your kids are big enough to deal with her, or not as is their choice, leaving you out of it. Yes, you have to be there for them, as someone in this scenario has to be the adult, but you need to keep distance as far as you can. The next time you find yourself picking up the phone to call, bite your dialing finger. Trust me, this actually does get better with time. Soon you won't be thinking of your W more than 1-2 times a minute. Yes, I said minute. You cannot have a R with someone for as long as we have and just brust them away like bread crumbs, never to be heard from again. BUT KNOW THIS! We may be the very bottom thing on the back of their minds, BUT WE ARE THERE. They cannot brush us away, either.

Relax, give her some space and time to actually miss you. And when she does, and she will, and calls, keep it polite but impersonal. No personal questions. Say what has to be said ( RE: kids, school ) and end the conversation. Tell her you have a cake in the oven and have to go.

[sunshinelewis]

Tad what your wife said should be translated as.....Gee...Leave Me Alone!!!

She knows she shouldn't treat u this way but her head want let her be nice.
Right now she wants you to just go away!
She sounds like she has a lot of stuff to get done and you just sending a simple text WILL peeve her off.
I tried this with my xh. I used every little chance I could to get to hear his voice.
He knew it too!

Stay clear of her. You can be her friend down the road a piece.


Hugs,
Renee

[Grace_O]

((((Tad))))

How can she miss you when you won't go away?

It sounds like you're stuck in the rut of "what if I never see her again". You will, you have kids with her.

You sound too focused on whether she's MLC or a WAS. Does it really matter which it is? If it does, you might want to look closer at that.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Punkin, Sunshine and Grace.

I need to know what to do now. After today's hateful text, I get this:

W: Hey I got a lead on a voiceover job for ASU.

M: Really?

W: I will get the contact info tomorrow. It might only be temporary, but you can check it out.

M: Ok. Thanks.

W: No problem. I only want the best for you. I hope you know that.

I haven't responded. HOW DO I?

Tad

[kara]

I think you responded just fine with ok, thanks. I would leave it at that.