Mission 25. I Really Mean it this time>

[25yearsmlc]

Navigated yesterday without incident and without any contact from W. Youngest son made the soccer team as a keeper and wanted me to take shots on him in the back yard. We did for about an hour and tried to rake at the same time.

He wanted badly to tell W about making the team but her phone was busy all night. I think then she had a night shift.

Im finding it really tough to keep up with everything, like laundry , cooking, cleaning etc.. Im doing it but have Zero down time, other than this site.

She called this morning and wanted to drop by to give him shoes?

She could have done this at school. So i am struggling to get the lunches made, and to get myself ready and shaved etc..

Im taking the bike this morning so I get all my gear on , warm up the bike and then she pulls in looking kinda rough. I guess night shift cause she also has her nurse gear on. She walks right by me, says nothing, son hugs her. She says a few things, I put my helmet on. She looks back and waves. Im doing things on the bike so no real free hand, so I my wave back is delayed,
She gives me a sneer and keeps walking to her van.

Backs up and drives away, I get on the bike and head on to school.

It made me sad all the way to work thinking. So this is what its come to. The person I cared about the most in the world and I can barely exchange greetings. Really sad.

BTW: 25, you have dug up a real old post when she left the first time and I didnt know about OM.

The mental hospital? I asked her to go to the hospital after I found out about the affair. She came back last July but was not very kind to me and didnt want to have intimate contact of any kind. Texted alot and was on her laptop alot but I was oblivious to an affair although I did ask her from time to time.

This is all on my older posts. Bottom line, when I found out about affair from her blackberry. I lost my mind, called her every name in the book. Told her to leave and go to her house which she bought last JUNE and we were trying to rent out. She pleaded with me that it was just an EA and it was just stupid words etc. She pleaded that I give her another chance etc.

But these were all lies. I told her that i was going for a bike ride to clear my head and when I got back , I wanted her gone.

When i came back, one of her best friends was there, she was in the bathtub and her frined showed me a knife she had.

I think this was just drama looking back. When her friend left. I changed her, was calm but continued to insist that she leave and that our marriage was over. When she got the first chance, she bolted to the kitchen and got out a knife and meekly tried to slit her wrist. I wresteld the knife from her and my oldest son woke up and saw me on top of her , keeping the knife away from her wrists.

There was much more to this story but the end result was I didnt want her alone and wanted her undersuicide watch. I drove her to the city and the truth eventually came out and again, I handled it poorly. I wish I would have read more on this site but I did EVERYTHING wrong except insist she see the doctor and then she decided to stay in the mental hospital overnight but they kept her for 2 weeks.

I visited her often and calmed down and stayed with her. but she pushed away as the days passed and all but told me that she was selecting the OM.

Hope this helps 25. lIke i said, the whole sorted affair is on my NOvember posts.

9

I see a lot of inner conflict in you. While you talk about her drama and mental issues, you sounded as if you were quite dramatic yourself. Your anger is ruling and reeling, despite your claims to the contrary.

You kicked her out when you found the Blackberry/snooping/ stuff, b/c you were angry. Period. You snooped, you discovered something you didn't like, and you reacted immediately.

It's one thing to think things through and decide you just have to give up, go your separate ways, etc. But you were just mad and punitive. And you say you miss her and want the marriage to work? WTH?
How on earth are you demonstrating that?

And here's another 2x4...stop the guilting!! In case you haven't noticed, it does not work, it usually backfires AND guilt easily converts into anger at the source of the guilt, which is YOU.

Encourage the R's with the sons and defend her to them. Why? B/C IT'S WHAT IS BEST FOR YOUR SONS...

you tell them she's confused, which she is, that she loves them very much, which she does, and IF THEY ASK, you tell them that OM is a symptom of her confusion, which he is.

If they or anyone else asks you "how you can want to recon?" Or whether you want a divorce to happen, (assuming you do not)

You say "I hope we work this out b/c She's the love of my life and I've loved her a long time"...and then you stop talking. Support your sons and be the best father you can be.

Read up a lot about forgiveness and discuss it with clergy or whoever can help you with it. You keep circling the drain with this issue and it's the single biggest reason WASs dont' go home, They fear (rightly, sometimes) that the LBSer will make it so hard on them that's it not worth it. My DB coach said "Keep the road home, paved and smooth". Don't confuse that with being a doormat but ask yourself why she would want to come home to an angry man. The answer is, she won't. I KNOW you are angry and hurt and you feel right to be so. Being right is not really relevant if your goal is reconciliation. Do you understand and accept this concept?

I found some of Marianne Williamson's books helpful on this topic, although she's new agey religiously, for some. (I found her exercises on forgiveness really great and I did them and it helped me a lot. Frankly, forgiveness was not something I saw as a child. My parents fought and yelled and then retreated. They never said "Sorry" until my father was on his death bed filled with regrets and little time.)

If you children ask how you are doing, you tell them you are "getting better and stronger" and discuss your pain with people OTHER THAN YOUR SONS...

I've been where you are but you have got to see how UNproductive it is. You're stuck in an ugly place. Only you can get out of it. Stop cycling through the same old "OM obsessions" and asking "how can she??s" and "Why is she" question. Ass my DB coach said, those questions are designed to make her feel defensive, and for you to get self righteous. They are not helpful at all. Hope you see this someday soon.