When It Rains, It Pours

[2stepboogie]

Why not just ask?

"Hey I have to head back soon and was wondering if you would like to see D before I do."

[♪CS♪]

Why not just ask?

So simple?

I took this advice and I did end up calling this morning. I asked her if she would like to see D today, and she initially decided that she did. I think the comfort (even distraction?) of D sounds good to her. She was thankful that I called.

However, after some thought, her mom felt that it was not a good idea to have D there. W's mom is having a very hard time, and W's sister who is flying in today, is also "freaking out" according to W.

I told her I completely understood, and I headed back home. The plan now is that I take D to her tomorrow, but everything has been changing a lot, so we will see how it goes.

As I was driving back W texted me asking for me to get some pictures from the house that they will use for a slideshow at the service. She also sent me the time and date of the service (next weekend), so I guess that means she is OK with me going. I know it is sad, but I was not sure if she was going to want me there. I know my W and I are friendly to each other, but I think she is more uncomfortable around me than she puts on. I am very happy I can be there, I have known this man for almost 15 years.

I do not have much experience with the loss of a loved one. Add the complexity of W's and I's sitch, it makes it hard to know if I am saying the right thing. After she sent me the time of the service I replied:

M: Thank you. Your dad was such a great man W.

W: I know. I feel like the whole world can feel his loss.

M: It does. He touched the lives of so many.


I always did have a huge amount of respect for her father, and W knows this. She responded once yesterday with "Thank you. I know you loved him." He really possessed a lot of the qualities I am working on for myself through all of this. Very kind, very humble, and always there for anyone.

I was planning on calling W tonight just to check on her. We also need to figure out the plan/timing of me dropping off D tomorrow.

[Denver_2010]

Just be a supportive friend right now Country. You are handling it great.

BITS
Denver

[gr8 day 2B alive]

CS, just getting caught up. sorry for your loss.
gr8

[Eryam]

You're doing a great job, CS. I'm so sorry for your family's loss. I can't even imagine what you must be going through.

[♪CS♪]

I talked to W. Her and her family had just gotten done with a walk in the park. Glad to hear they got out of the house.

W was still very choked up though, however, she is doing her best to be strong. I'm very proud of her strength right now, her mom needs that.

We talked about the schedule for D tomorrow, but really didn't come to a decision, she said she would call tomorrow to finalize.

I asked if she needed me to bring anything for her or D, a couple things came up and she said she would let me know if she thought of anything else.

I told her I would go through all of our pictures tonight and get the ones she requested. I told her I would go ahead and just grab everything we have of her dad, and they can go through them. I offered to help with the slide show since I have done that sort of thing quite a bit, but she said the mortuary is putting it together for them.

I ended it saying I was constently thinking of her and her family. She thanked me.

She has thanked me many times for all of my offers of help, but also declined pretty much everything. It is hard to know where to draw the line between being a "supporting friend" and feel like I am pushing too much.

I will be sending a living plant with a note. I've looked, but haven't decided on one yet. I was also unsure about sending it too soon.

It is confusing, but I am doing the best I can.

[♪CS♪]

Just one more thing. Like I mentioned above, I do not have much experience at all with this sort of loss.

Non DB related, I would be interested in anyones comments regarding things they remember from such circumstances. For example, if you lost someone very close to you, can you remember what kind of support was most important to you? Do you remember people doing or saying things that you did not appreciate?

Any/all thoughts appreciated.

[♪CS♪]

When we talked earlier I told W I would send her a pic of D tonight. Sent the pic.

She replied: "Thank you. That is so nice"

D can light up a room. I think she'll be a nice presence there this weekend. I will let W know though, that if at any time it becomes too much to handle, I can come pic her up at any time.

Would still love thoughts on the question above.

Did you like receiving phone calls?

Did you like people bringing up positive memories?

Did you like offers of help and support?

[~ kd ~]

Nothing really. Just having the people who were there was important. One thing I DID notice was the people who were NOT there (at smaller funerals). Not really offensive, but people whom we thought might be impacted yet did not attend. They certainly had their reasons.

So as far as attending, I say DO IT. Do the usual condolences. If it's a traditional funeral, you would have likely been sitting with the family. Considering the circumstances, you may not be asked to sit with them. Just know that could be the case. Otherwise, respectful distance but not "back of the bus".

Take an invite to sit up close if given. Again, just respectful to the family and to W's "space" issues.

[NEmoose43]

Country, my Mom died very suddenly about 10 years ago. She went into the hospital with stomach pain, and when they opened her up, they realized that her intestine had been perforated by a small cell cancer tumor...one of hundreds that had spread from her lungs throughout her body. The doctor told us all they could do was try to make her comfortable. So she spent two weeks on morphine...it was actually pretty incredible because she held on until my entire family was able to make it to the hospital from around the country. And she passed a few minutes after all of us were able to gather in her room for the first time.

I know it wasn't as sudden as your FIL, but it was still a monstrous shock for someone who was seemingly healthy to go out so quickly...she never showed a single symptom of the cancer at all.

Anyway, I felt so numb because it happened so damn fast...I was 24 at the time, and I really didn't even react right away because it was so sudden. Honestly, a lot of the bottled up grief is only starting to come out now thanks to the crisis with my W (nice added bonus right?).

Honestly, the best support I received at the time was from friends and family who just said "Please let me know if you need anything at all, I'm here for you." So all the advice you've heard here is pretty right on. I didn't know what the hell I needed for support, so just knowing I had people I could count on was a big help.

The bad stuff came from the people who wanted me to talk to them about how I was feeling. I know these people were just trying to help, but like I said, I'm still dealing with it to this day, so I sure as sh-t didn't want to talk about it then! And I also remember a lot of people who wanted to talk about what they remembered about my mom, good memories, funny stories, that kind of thing. There were times when I wanted to hear that stuff, but there were other times when I just wanted to strangle anyone that said it. Spent a lot of time with my guitar and a Marshall cranked up to 11 during the first few weeks!

I'd say keep doing what you're doing man. She knows you're there for her, I wouldn't make a big deal of it, and I also don't think she would read into anything you did at a time like this. I don't know her, so I can't be sure about that last bit, but if you know there are things that need doing to help out, it can't hurt to offer.

My 2 pennies.