Looking back at my sit, there were times when I was trying so hard to follow DB principles that I now know my STBX took me as being uncaring and cold. So, accepting his ride is not a mistake in my opinion. The mistake would be in trying to "take" more than just that or trying to pressure him in any way. Let him come to you, but don't push him away or pull him in. I only wish I had really understood that concept a long time ago.
Yeah. I think there are a lot of clues in my old posts, especially those posted by H, that tell me exactly how to handle this sitch. I need to listen, validate and be nice. I also probably need to talk in terms of how things will be different once I'm gone.
I honestly don't want to say much but I don't want to come across as cold either. And honestly... 2am in the morning after flying across the country is the worst time to have any type of discussion.
I'll just try to look my best and be as positive as possible and keep my mouth shut for the most part.
Well tonight is the night. I'll have to try and find some time to read through threads so I can get my game face on - to be honest right now I'm feeling like I'm not ready for this. I wish I could go dark another week.
That's the trick. Go in with a plan and stick to it. If you start to feel too emotional or feel like you are straying from your plan, walk away. I know what you mean regarding the dark thing. Normally, I can't wait to talk to STBX, but today everytime they page a call for me at work, I actually think "I hope it's not her". I am not ready to talk yet.
Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you. I know it's hard to have F2F when you're not sure if you can even handle it. I always used to try to remember that the only thing I am required to do in life is breathe. It's a good exercise when you're not sure what to say or do. Hang in there! --z
Yeah. I think there are a lot of clues in my old posts, especially those posted by H, that tell me exactly how to handle this sitch. I need to listen, validate and be nice. [b]I also probably need to talk in terms of how things will be different once I'm gone.[/b]
hmmm, what about showing him that this time the marriage, would be better and different? If so, how? (Otherwise you're both just doing the same old...)
I'll just try to look my best and be as positive as possible and keep my mouth shut for the most part.
Re: your other comments about the lack of passion and sex, have you felt that way about other men? The one you had the A with? I only ask to see if it's a low SD or more about your particular M...and you said he was also unfaithful? Was he very attracted to OW? Or are you more worried that he has a generalized idea of OWs and misses the passion you two lack and therefore, think he wants out?
When my weight is up a bit, I feel less attractive AND less interested. Just goes hand in hand for a lot of women so maybe the training is great on many fronts. Not to mention feeling better. In your case, since he has said something about it, I strongly encourage you to get as physical as possible with the activities. It will help you personally anyhow.
You raise a bigger question though...how many times can someone DB?
We seem to be a success story ( I say "seem" b/c I don't ever want to assume/presume we are "fine", ya know?) but I did ask myself that when I was DBing and it seemed to be working. I wondered if I had it in me to do it again, and you know, I don't think I do. Sure,of course who really knows? Depends on what happened and if it was a repeat of the same stuff I guess...but I feel as if I've used up the one time. I doubt I could do it again if it's like it was last time b/c it would mean that his changes were not real, and therefore, I could not trust his "new" behaviors.
I won't be fooled again or put my kids though that again. But I KNOW I'm only speaking for my situation and my own perspective.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
His doing this snapped me out of it enough that I can deal with the sitch. I don't know how to explain how someone can feel LESS depressed when slammed with a D out of the blue but I am. I'm hurt and sad about the D but it's different.
Calystra, this is the same way I have felt. I'm still kinda of a newbie here, but I've dealt w/ depression off/on for years and H knows this. I've been on AD's since 3 years ago when we went through this the 1st time. It's like a switch if flipped or something, and I start focusing on myself and what I need to do for me. I've come to the conclusion this time around that what happens is I stop looking to him and leaning on him everyday. I think about what *I* want and think, not what he wants to do or thinks. I know I can't change his mind or his feelings, so I do for me. This has been a real eye opener.
And H acknowledges that he has felt the pressure of me leaning on him so much, and that has been a real attraction killer for him.
So I really understand about how you can feel better when facing D or S. It doesn't make sense, but you can learn from it and help yourself feel better no matter what happens.
Me 36, H 38, S 3 T 16, M 14 Bomb: 3/18/11 Not separated, in limbo
Yeah it was awkward and I was not ready at all. I couldn't even really look at him. He didn't even say hi to me, he just went to put my bags in the car. I shook my head and put them in myself.
We drove in silence for a while and I kept thinking to myself, "Say something nice." but all I wanted to do was cry and talk about the R.
Me: Hi Him: Hi Him: How are your parents? Me: (silence for a while) I don't know how to answer that. Him: I thought that was an easy question. Me: No, it's not. Me: (silence) They're upset and frantically packing to leave. (more silence) Me: I don't know what to say to you. Him: I know. (more silence) Me: If you have anything to say, I'll listen. Him: I don't really have anything new to say. (silence for the rest of the trip until we were almost home) Him: I did the dishes and put them away so you probably won't be able to find anything. I don't know where they go. I did the laundry. And I set myself up in the guest bedroom and put all your blankets and stuff in the other room.
Then when I went up to go to bed he said he wanted to talk - did we want to do that now or... I told him I was tired and now wasn't the best time. He said tomorrow? I said I'll need a time as I have things to do. He says 9... I thought about it and I didn't really want to sit around all day waiting for 9pm so I said let's talk now.
So he asked me what my timeline is here (I don't know). He asked me if I looked over the financial split (yes) and what did I think (I told him). Then we got into a long R talk. I don't know that I hurt anything with what I said but I don't know that I helped anything either. He said he was trying to make himself more available to talk - gee how about trying this before things went this wrong? It's all a bit of a jumble but I can throw a few things out there.
I said this at one point: "You know how much I love you. You know it because I fought so hard last time for you and I will this time again. You know how hard I will work. You know you're never going to find someone else who is going to do this."
He said, "I know."
The rest was basically more of the same. I said, "what did I do to make you dislike me so much". He said, "you know it's not about that." He reiterated his standpoint that it's just that he doesn't think we can work things out through any of the available methods & it's just something that is lacking in our R in general. It's not fixable. It's too late. Etc etc.
I said it's never too late. We never tried to fix anything, we just stewed in our own negative thoughts and didn't work on anything at all. So of course when you do that, you get to this point with all that negativity. And we didn't even try to do anything the C suggested. He said he didn't think any of that would work.
I said he's going about this like it's black&white (together or not together) and that R's are gray. Plenty of other people go back and forth in the M, with doubts, separations, etc. He said he didn't see any of that working either.
I can't remember what else was said. He was doing his best, I was doing my best. I remembered to validate where I could but at one point I just said, "I would validate you more but I actually don't understand." He laughed pretty hard at that and got me laughing a little too. It felt good to laugh with him again.
hmmm, what about showing him that this time the marriage, would be better and different? If so, how? (Otherwise you're both just doing the same old...)
I'll have to think on this.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
[color:#FF0000]Re: your other comments about the lack of passion and sex, have you felt that way about other men? The one you had the A with? I only ask to see if it's a low SD or more about your particular M...and you said he was also unfaithful? Was he very attracted to OW? Or are you more worried that he has a generalized idea of OWs and misses the passion you two lack and therefore, think he wants out?
I have felt that way with other people. I have a very high sex drive actually but I've never felt able to express it fully with my H. I think the OW showed him that he too can have that passion with someone else and that makes him realize it is missing from our R. However that didn't seem to matter for quite a while. He says he just knows it is not working here and therefore, we should move on. There's no waiting arms for him to jump into at this point.
