....There is a difference between standing for yourself and being a jerk. In my continued quest to find a copy of the the 5LL's I searched for an ebook, version, and then went to my library. Where I got the condensed version, will do for now.
....I decided to do something in one of her love languages....I went to Starbucks for the second time and got her, the usual, making sure it was to her exact standards. When I got back home in the morning, she was half asleep, and the first thing greeting her was a warm cup of coffee just like she likes it.
...She let me take a nap, but kept trying to make me feel better, she made me a smoothie, acted cute around me, and even made me Ramen. (When she makes Ramen it's like when your mother makes mashed potatoes from scratch for thanksgiving, she pulls all the stops, to make it delicious.)
...Whatever physical intimacy we were building, is missing, and at one point she made a comment about being repulsed by male organs. These things kinda hurt, but I'm trying to take all the care taking and acts of kindness on her part as a good sign. She may talk like a WAW, but it feels like she is acting like a loving W. I don't know...
...Being integrated also means being a loving, and devoted husband. I tried to be that but let the negative ng tendencies like constant need for approval, stealth contracts, and hidden resentment ruin that for me.
....but I have to be patient, do acts of kindness and listen. First win her attention, then her heart, then intimacy, them ml.
If you would listen to the best of yourself, you probably know exactly what to do. You need to just work on yourself so that the "best of you" is that part speaks and acts and the other parts of you are under control.
A few thoughts. Really figure out what Chapman is saying in the 5LL. It is powerful stuff.
Then once you have read his book and understand it, get the cheesey book Being the Strong Man Women Want, by Elliot Katz. The book at times is a joke, but it also contains several thousand years of wisdom on how a man should act as a husband. Corny, un-PC, yes, but enlightening and inspirational. Perhaps the most interesting aspect of the book is the introduction by Dr. Glover (author of NMMNG) who praises what the Katz is trying to teach men. It is about being an integrated man/husband.
Remember that you want to pay close attension to your wife's actions and not her words. ACTIONS NOT WORDS! As you have observed her actions indicate she wants to be a loving wife. Also expect her to challenge you and do weird things as she is trying to figure this out as well, but probably doesn't have the support group you have gotten for yourself to make sense of things. She is lacking mentors, which is why now would be a good time for the two of you to see a sex therapist.
While she may say she is repulsed at your male organs, don't let that get to you. It's just words from someone who is confused about themself. Think of the two of you just starting dating. It may take a while for her to become comfortable with you and all aspects of your body, which is why sex at this point isn't a good idea. In Schnarch's book the Passionate Marriage he has an interesting discussion on sex and how revolting it must seem until you have tried it and stretched your image of yourself and who you are and what you are comfortable doing. As he says, how can stiking you tongue in someone's mouth and exchanging spit be anything but disgusting...but after you have done it a while, French kissing is kind of nice. How can getting naked, assuming bizzare body positions and then lay together having cooled body fluids leaking all over you seem pleasant....but after a while.... The next time she says something about sex or your body that feels hurtful, think of Dr. Schnarch and just smile at her and tell her that you love her, don't get upset.
Make sure that you make your wife feel loved. Make sure that you thank her when she makes you Ramen, pancakes, or brings you a water bottle. Tell her at these times that you love her and appreciate her taking care of you. Being appreciated for what we do is a powerful and basic human emotion. Being loved by someone is a necessary human emotion and critical for our individual happiness (see Sue Johnson's book Hold Me Tight, if you want to learn more).
When you bring her coffee in the morning or do other acts of service for her to make her feel loved. Say words to her that also let her know that she is special to you and that you love her. Verbally reinforce your "action" messages of love with words.
You really do know what you need to know, but you just need to be patient, persistent, loving, grow yourself (through NMMNG GAL and reading), and not try to force or pressure wife into change she is not ready for.
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....but I have to be patient, do acts of kindness and listen. First win her attention, then her heart, then intimacy, them ml.
Good luck and remember visualization, and tell yourself words of affirmation. Tell yourself that you are responsible for your happiness and work on making yourself happy in ethical and moral ways. Ultimately, you will find happiness.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
