The big punch

[25yearsmlc]

myk,

I understand much of what you are saying and yes, it is better late than never.
Our childhoods affect our lives and views, for a time. When those affects are unhealthy or unrealistic or unhelpful, we alter them.

Please realize, most of us here have had similar issues. You are not alone. English is not my mother's first language, so when my parents fought, she always lost. My father was an abusive alcoholic with an important gov job, so most people thought he was great but they didn't know what the home life was like. I also had no good role models for conflict resolution or what a good m looked like.

So in my 20's, when I had everything I had always wanted but still felt as if something wasn't right, I got some help. I went anywhere and everywhere I thought would help and I went enthusiastically. (I've never understood someone who feared therapy. Why would anyone not want to look at their life for ways to improve it? Even when things are good, in fact especially then, it's so important to go to a "Scenic overlook" so you can see your life and better live it. I want to live a life of intention, not happenstance. Do you understand?)

I attended some "Adult Child of an Alcoholic" meetings. I did get something out of them, but I also saw that some people were there for years, saying the same stories about bad Christmas memories, and they used their parent's alcoholism as an excuse for their own neuroses. Still blaming. Eventually I simply accepted my childhood for what it was, good and bad.

Among other things, I went to a wonderful personal growth workshop that changed my life (H went to it too, later on. It helped our m tremendously, but isn't aimed at marriages, so much as individual growth. But obviously if you both grow as individuals, your R will improve). I also saw a T or two, and I made some changes. Over time, those changes add up. I'm in a much different place than I would have been, had I not made those changes.


We lived the way my h and I chose to live, celebrating the fact that we had created a better family life or our children, than either of us grew up with. You can celebrate that too, "From this day forward" and stop looking backwards. The backward looking "OMG, My family made me this way" will have to stop so you can take responsibility for your life. IT IS EMPOWERING WHEN YOU TAKE CHARGE OF YOUR LIFE AND STOP LETTING OTHERS DICTATE ANYTHING TO YOU. EMBRACE THIS.

I think at some point in life, you accept that your childhood affected you, but you own your adult life and you take responsibility for your decisions.

I'm glad you realize that things did affect you and shape you but you own your choices now. The introvert stuff will have to be modified enough for you to join groups so you can meet people who are in healthy R's. Learn from them. See a T, use the meds if they help. In your last post, you blamed others for your decision to quit meds, as if it was anyone else's business or right to comment. Why did they even know? As you become your own man, their opinion won't matter b/c you won't be soliciting it and when it's thrown at you anyhow, you can say "I made my choice and I am not inviting comment."

You also said, in effect, that the meds didn't fix all your problems. I'm not a shrink, but that makes sense to me. I mean, the meds are an aid, not a solution. Seems to me you look for external solutions to internal problems. That's not how it works. You seem to suggest that the reasons for your neuroses and fear based decision making, is all because of them and therefore...what? You can't change that? You have to change that. And only you can. So...

When do you think you can assume the responsibility for your life? At what age do you believe you should be accountable for what happens? Finally, and most importantly, What are you going to DO, now that you realize how off base your perspective was? IOW, How are you changing?