Digging Through Old Email

[tadpole1025]

Wow. It is already time for a new thread. I'm either on here too much or have diarrhea of the keyboard or.....both.

My previous thread is here:

Is It Really A Jorney?

I was digging through my computer today and happend to stumble upon an old email that W sent me about a week before she moved out. I'm not so sure she is MLC after reading it. I had asked her to be completely honest with me about her internet dating "experiment." This was her reply.

"There were grey areas about the internet stuff. I really did feel like it was a seperate part of my life. It really had no impact on what was going on with you and me. You may never understand that because you were not in my shoes. I'll be honest, I never wanted to send OM that email calling it off. My feelings towards you are less than what you want."

It is hard to believe that we were planning on renewing our vows just a few months before that email was written.

Maybe she really did fall out of love. Either that, or she is trying to fool me or fool herself.

Just thought I would share before I deleted it for good.

Tad

[MHL]

I'm not so sure she is MLC after reading it.

Doesn't matter your actions are the same.....

Your actions, your words, your motivations are all for YOU.

Stop looking at her......very hard to do.

I get trying to figure out what is going on with your W. Having an understanding of MLC or the WAW or anything else is for YOU.

Your understanding of what you should categorize your W is NOT so that you can do or say something to fix the situation.

I found that understanding helped me "ACCEPT" the situation. It also freed me from the guilt I felt for not being a perfect husband. Her decisions are just that....... "her decisions".

I never wanted to send OM that email calling it off. My feelings towards you are less than what you want."

That is probably the most honest statement she made and it gives you a glimpse into just how effed up she is in her mind.

Think about it......what a childish thing to do or say. Its wrong, I know its wrong, I've been caught, I don't care, it feels good therefore it must be okay.

She then justifies it by externalizing her feelings, she has in fact "animated" her feelings into an entity that has complete control over her, as if she has no choice in the matter.

What she really should be saying is......

"My feelings for you are less than what I want"

She wants the feelings for you to be there so they match what she knows in her head. She "knows" she loves you but doesn't feel it.......

thus the "ILYBINILWY" that we all hear.

Then they want to blame someone else for the conflict that is going on inside them and we all know who gets blamed......

You guessed it.......and you win the big prize on MLC jeapordy!!!!

Maybe she really did fall out of love. Either that, or she is trying to fool me or fool herself.

She is trying to "fool" herself......and when she doesn't believe her own bullchit then that is when the anger comes and they have to demonize us and take on the victim role.

I could go on and on and we could disect her everyword and action

BUT

It is not going to change what you should be doing.

Look away from her............LITERALLY.

Yes, I know you love your W, and you miss her too.

Interactions with her cause you pain......

That pain causes you to do and say things that push her further away.

You can "LOVE HER" by staying away from her......

Just as she is not in control of herself.......you are not in control of yourself when you have any kind of contact with her.

YOU ARE AN ADDICT

SHE IS THE DRUG

WHEN YOU HAVE INTERACTIONS WITH HER YOU ARE ON DRUGS

WHEN YOU ARE ON DRUGS YOU DO AND SAY THINGS THAT ARE HARMFUL TO YOU AND THOSE AROUND YOU.

Here is the thing that you have to "KNOW" first and "FEEL" later......

You can survive and be happy without DRUGS in your life....

It will be hard at first, it will get easier, it does take TIME.

When DRUGS have been such a big part of your life for such a long time it is hard to get off of them.

It is called WITHDRAW.

Life is GOOD, give it a chance to be that, start making YOUR life GOOD.

Are you starting to understand?????

What are you doing today to make your life a GOOD LIFE?

Cheers

[AntoniaB]

Know what one of the most cathartic, most intelligent things I did was? I deleted all old emails in one fell swoop without looking at them. I was changing internet providers and tried initially to figure out how to forward everything. There were thousands of sent emails, something like 4000, that covered many, many years of correspondence, long before there were any signs of XH's MLC. I was very tempted to keep even those to go back and read. Then I sat there and I said just do it. Delete all. It took courage but I did it. Then I deleted them all out of the trash.

Those emails were a type of "drug". I removed the temptation by destroying them. I have never regretted that decision.

MHL is right. You are withdrawing from her and it's terribly painful. But you have to take steps to remove the temptations to have even those indirect connections. I'm glad to hear you deleted the email. Your next task is to not even read the next one you happen to find :-)

[AJM]

OMG. That is SOOOOOOO true. Don't keep the old emails, Tad. That will do nothing for you except pull you back to the past. Do you want to be pulled back into that? Really? Think about that because that tie to the past is killing you - both.

Yesterday is past.
Tomorrow isn't here yet.
Today is a present - enjoy it. Live in the moment Tad. That's what is real.

I went through that as well. Still do as I clean things out. Believe me, the best way forward is - forward.

Somebody else once posted here: our past is just how we got here. Was that Jack?

But it's true. It's all behind us and cannot be changed. Go forward for you Tad. Do it and don't wait because it takes time and effort to create new habits.

How's that garden coming? The job search?

AJ

[tadpole1025]

Thanks MHL, Antonia and AJ.

MHL, understanding it does make it a little easier to "accept." You know what else? I KNOW I wasn't a perfect husband and could have done some things better, but I was a damn good one. No doubt about that in my mind. I had a woman tell me that I was going to make someone very happy someday. I wish it could have been W. Out of my control though right? This would have happened regardless.

That is probably the most honest statement she made and it gives you a glimpse into just how effed up she is in her mind.

Think about it......what a childish thing to do or say. Its wrong, I know its wrong, I've been caught, I don't care, it feels good therefore it must be okay.

She then justifies it by externalizing her feelings, she has in fact "animated" her feelings into an entity that has complete control over her, as if she has no choice in the matter.

I've actually thought about this. Sometimes it seems as if she knows that what she is doing wrong, but can't help it. Weird.

She "knows" she loves you but doesn't feel it.......

thus the "ILYBINILWY" that we all hear.

Does she REALLY know?

She is trying to "fool" herself......and when she doesn't believe her own bullchit then that is when the anger comes and they have to demonize us and take on the victim role.

And that is when I become the devil to her and she feels entitled to everything right?

YOU ARE AN ADDICT

SHE IS THE DRUG

WHEN YOU HAVE INTERACTIONS WITH HER YOU ARE ON DRUGS

WHEN YOU ARE ON DRUGS YOU DO AND SAY THINGS THAT ARE HARMFUL TO YOU AND THOSE AROUND YOU.

Yes, I am starting to understand this. She is like a drug to me. When I interact with her, it has the potential to cause me harm, her harm, our sitch harm.....everything. I am not going to see her this weekend when she picks up S16. It will be tough, but I have to do it for my own good.

MHL is right. You are withdrawing from her and it's terribly painful. But you have to take steps to remove the temptations to have even those indirect connections. I'm glad to hear you deleted the email. Your next task is to not even read the next one you happen to find :-)

Thanks Antonia. I held on to them for months and deleted a lot of emails last night. I still have to remove a lot of old texts that I saved on my phone. I may do that tonight. I'll try to do that without reading them. You all are so right about her being a "drug" to me. I read some of the emails last night and guess how they made me feel? Yep......terrible. I even woke up this morning thinking about all of the crap that I read last night.

Don't keep the old emails, Tad. That will do nothing for you except pull you back to the past. Do you want to be pulled back into that? Really? Think about that because that tie to the past is killing you - both.

So true AJ. Screw the past. The past has already caused me too much pain.

My garden is doing well. Job search? Eh. Not much out there. Still nothing.

I've missed you AJ. I was beginning to think that maybe I said something to offend you. Glad you are back. You've been a great help.

The latest:

W sent S18 a text late last night asking if he was going to spend Mother's Day with her. He told her no. He was going to spend it with his girlfriend. She didn't respond. I really do feel bad for her. I can't help it. I just do.

Thanks for everything.

Tad

[Lorie1964]

W sent S18 a text late last night asking if he was going to spend Mother's Day with her. He told her no. He was going to spend it with his girlfriend. She didn't respond. I really do feel bad for her. I can't help it. I just do.

Tad,

I feel bad for H too at times because D16 really doesn't want to be around him either, except when she needs money or him to buy her something. He doesn't even see it. It is really sad, because she worshiped the ground he walked on, and their relationship was so awesome.

(((HUGS))) to you and your children!

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Lorie.

I thought maybe there was something wrong with me for feeling bad for someone who has caused me so much pain.

W and S18 had a very special bond. Now, it seems like that is even broken. She has no idea of the amount of damage that she has done.

Tad

[Tipper]

Just to chime in,
I heard some where today: Kids and pets are often a great judge of a persons character. They are so young and innocent yet, that they often honestly & outwardly express the way they feel towards them.

My dog, hides when my H's truck used to pull in the drive way. And a few weeks ago before he left, he let the dog out and she escaped from the fence. I wasnt home at the time,so He text me to come help find her. I said sure. When I got to the place where he and the dog were at, the dog simply would not come to him as he was begging her. Every time he got closer to her, she ran farther. As soon as I got to my H I called "Snoop -Dog, come here" and she immediately came to me with out hesitation.

I kind of felt bad for him, but he has neglected her profusely over the last year, when He used to give her all sorts of play time and walks and attention. I guess it also helped me validate my feelings of walking on egg-shells around my Spouse at that time.
TIPPER

[sunshinelewis]

Tad I have been keeping up, just haven't posted. I don't remember if I ever told you but the best thing my xh ever did for me was get a "no contact order" against me. That forced me to stay away.....no contact any anyway! Up until that point he was my ...FIX! I thought I could not live without him. At one point during one of his so called dates he was on, called his cell and actually asked him to please just speak to me for awhile. I have panic attacks to make things worse and xh was whom relied on to talk me out of them. Imagine how desperate I sounded to him. When I was ordered to stay away from him, no phone contact, not even email, I thought hat would b he end of me....BUT guess what....wasn't! It was the best thing that could have happened for me. It made me stop depending on him. He was also my drug and I went thru withdraws. If if he was a bandaid, I was forced to remove him quickly instead of slowly. As for my marriage it was too little too late. With that said.....please listen and remove yourself now before it's too late for you. It will not only help you get thru this faster but may help save your marriage too.
Tad without you in the picture she will have no one to point a finger at. Let her do her thing with or without om....it really doesn't matter, right now if it wasnt him, it would be another in m opinion. She is on a high. Trying to reclaim her youth, she is NOT woman you married so please don't expect nothing from her.
As far as your moods....it has been over 2 yrs and I still miss my family. For the longest time I would be angry, then I would feel sorry for him. It goes and comes.
To make things worse, my son decided this was my fault I guess because he lives with his dad and refuses to talk to me. I love him with all my heart and I am letting him do what he wants.
I wanted to also say this to you about fb. You said your ex reads your page right? Well if I was her and read some of the stuff that lady is writing on there I would think it was an attempt to make me jealous...whether it is or isn't. She could look at that as you still holding on. Just a thought. Don't give her ammo.
It is prb a good suggestion to step away from her completely. Let her wonder BUT mostly give yourself a break from the ride. It's a hard thing to do, believe me I know! Tad, as the say, you can't miss what is right in front of you! Let her miss you. She loves you, that's what makes her crazy!

Hugs,
Renee

[sunshinelewis]

Please excuse the typos. My iPad corrects me...drives me crazy!