I kind of anticipated this happening. W took a couple steps back this week. Maybe she felt a little exposed from taking a peak outside her hiding spot.
Started off with talk about our S and the parenting coordinator. W did send an email to one of the names on her list, however, she did not cc me on the email as agreed on. That was a little frustrating, but she agreed to cc me on future correspondence. Therapist asked my W why something that was so important to her is taking so long to develop. She put most of the blame on not being active due to her current situation. She doesn't have fast internet, has no time, no money, no life. She pretty much presented any possible excuse to why this has not progressed except any reason involving me. I could see that coming a mile away.
Therapist then brought up our convo from last week. She asked if my W had any new topics from the relationship list my W was creating to discuss. My W said that she has problems with our convo last week. She feels like the way the convo went, it somehow created false hope. She reiterated that she is simply not there right now. She is not ready to reconcile and work on our relationship. She feels like last week may have inadvertently created an idea that she was. W said that she was trying to bring up examples of problems that were so damaging to her, that I could not find a way to make a relationship work or find a way to create a relationship that we would want.
My therapist suggested that these conversation pieces are not only good to discuss for a possible renewal of our relationship, but they would also be a good step to take to rebuild trust as co-parents. These are things we need to talk about to release her anger and communicate better.
W then decided to bring up the topic of my dismissal of her emotions. She feels like I never interacted well when she showed them. This goes back to my logical thinking. She now believes that she has to present problems to me in some kind of factual box, or I will not understand them. If she presents problems with any emotion, I cannot handle it.
In the past, I would either dismiss her emotions or blame them on something else. This became more clear when she said that last year, I blamed her emotional outbursts on the hormones of her pregnancy and then post-partum. This infuriated her. I validated my W and understood why this would have made her so angry. This was a new experience for both of us, so I felt as though these new peeks in her emotions could have been attributed. We agreed that some could have, but I somehow put all of them in that bucket.
It got to a point, where my W stopped caring and would not present any emotion to me. This was the reason why we began to fight less. I thought it was attributed to the couples therapist we were seeing during her pregnancy. It was not. She had simply checked out. I did not mention the fog of the affair to my wife in our session, but I do wonder how much of this could be attributed towards that. My W began her affair just a few months into her pregnancy and weeks after we began counseling. The time where she checked out is directly related to the beginning of her affair.
I explained to my W that I want our conversations to be real. I don't ever want to dismiss her emotions. I want her to feel safe approaching me regardless of her feelings.
I want to learn how to communicate better with my W at an emotional level. To give an example, I told her how I was often confused what kind of reaction she wanted from me. I do not know when she is wanting compassion and reassurance from me versus a need for a solution or plan. My W thinks that the answer to this is obvious to her, but then she understood that I am not a mind reader. Sometimes my W tells me something that is bothering her and simply wants me to confirm her feelings. Other times, she is seeking a solution to what is bothering her. We agreed that for the time being, it is okay for me to ask her what response she is seeking. I asked my W if me clarifying what response she was looking for would infuriate her. She said that it probably would, but our therapist reminded us that we were probably upset with our bicycle training wheels as well. We just need to work on it for now.
Sorry of this journal entry is not very clear. I had a hard time really describing what my W's emotions really are. I guess it is one of those things that is easy for me to know where she is coming from, but it is hard for me to describe to another person.
The basic message I got from this week is that my W is nowhere near ready in her journey and is now afraid that she showed too much. It is really interesting watching this develop. It is almost if I could anticipate that response this week from her. I hear others saying to be careful and tread slowly when you get something positive. She is now back in her cave. I will continue to show patience while keeping up with my DBing.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
