I really don't either. I don't want to date...I just wanted a little fun. Just don't have a lot of friends around here and I'm missing the fun with my H. That's all there is to it!
It would probably be a HUGE mistake cause then I'm going to have guilt on top of everything else.
Me: 31 H: 30 Kids: D9 Together almost 12 years Married almost 5 years EA began: 8/10 Separated: 3/11
This is a tough one...I have some female friends who are somewhat familiar with what's going on with me, and they've been bugging me to "hang out". I don't know if they are just trying to get me to come out and take my mind off things or not, but I think the uncertainty of what I'd honestly be doing with them is enough to keep me from doing it.
If you think you're going to feel guilty...well, I think you answered your own question.
BITS M: 35 W: 27 T 7.5 years M 5 years No kids My EA: 3/08 Her EA: 1/11, discovered 3/11 (ongoing?) ILYBINILY, D mentioned 3/8/11 W at parents house: 4/16/11
A huge mistake plus guilt mend don't do it. Your not ready. It is for the wrong reasons. Be patient. If you make tha lt choice, do I bc your ready to move on and it is what you want.
Trust me, I want the same thing. I have not been with my W since September...9 effing months. I have not even really been hugged or anything. It S@CKS!!! I think all of the time...well not all of the time....how it would feel and how I would feel....no the same, not right now, and I am willing to bet that is true for you too.
The other thi. We have in common is all of my friends live 60 miles form me, and I work 80 miles from home. I recently made friends with my neighbor and his wife, and they are really great people. Always thinking about others. But that is it, and I haven't known hem that long. So I too, am having trouble GAL.
I think if you really do what is right, you won't be let down. And I am willing to bet that you, and everybody here, are stronger than they think.
BITS
M:34 W:28 SD:9 D:6 (pr) M:3 T:6 Separated 1/16/11 ILYBNILWY 10/25/10 PA discovered 11/12/10, began about 10/1/10
I am not who I was, I am being remade, I am new...
You're right! The sex was working until I started wanting more than he was willing to give. I started expecting more and I started to have all of these expectations and then I would get disappointed when it wasn't going my way.
So, What have you learned to DO differently?
I'm probably going to HAVE to go dark now as he is NOT going to want to talk to me at all. I worry that I have set myself back really far. I was feeling soooo good about myself and then he started talking about getting our relationship back together and I just lost all of the headway that I had made because I starting making assumptions.
So I know I understand, your h was discussing reconciliation, and you brought up OW? May I ask why?
I just wish that I could take tonight back....
You can't. You have to be a lot more disciplined. Get a mantra or theme song or whatever the heck it takes to stop backsliding. And when you backslide anyhow, forgive yourself and move on. It's what you have to do for your h so, you may as well practice. If you want, send a short note to him saying you wish you could have a 'do over' for the convo b/c it sure didn't go the way you wanted. And leave it at that. IF he only said 25 words and you guys spoke over an hour, YOU were lecturing or ranting or venting and that's a big mistake and a long one. It's like posting a sign saying 'don't come back or this is what I'll do to you again and again"...he has to know that if you guys are ever to reconcile that this A won't be thrown in his face every time you fight or get upset. He has to know you won't hold it over his head. My DB coach (which I HIGHLY recommend getting) said to "keep the road home, paved and smooth" and though that does NOT work in every sitch, if there's an A I think the WAS has to know that they can overcome their mistakes, or why bother trying? Make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
It's so funny because he knows that I would never throw the A in his face. That's alot of our problem. He has always been able to do exactly what he wants and I have always forgiven him. That's why it is so hard for me to detach. I don't see this time as any different, but he does. See, this time...I hurt HIM because of the problems I had with the IUD. He can justify his actions because I actually did something(cause) and then he found someone who could feel the hole inside of him (effect).
It was a rant! I will definitely not deny that! I was snooping and was set off and I just had had enough...that day I know I should have kept my big mouth shut and I did tell him that I was sorry and don't stay mad at me long. His reply was "I never do..now do I?". We are OK as long as I do not say anything that causes him to be uncomfortable. We get along great as long as he can come and go as he pleases and I never say anything controversial!!! Do that make sense??
I really appreciate your words of wisdom...does any of this help to understand better? Most of the time I get on here and rant and I realize that I may not be showing all of the sides to this crazy sitch.
Me: 31 H: 30 Kids: D9 Together almost 12 years Married almost 5 years EA began: 8/10 Separated: 3/11
It's so funny because he knows that I would never throw the A in his face. That's alot of our problem. He has always been able to do exactly what he wants and I have always forgiven him. That's why it is so hard for me to detach. I don't see this time as any different, but he does. See, this time...I hurt HIM because of the problems I had with the IUD. He can justify his actions because I actually did something(cause) and then he found someone who could feel the hole inside of him (effect).
I am confused. Why does his previous behavior and being forgiven for it, make it harder for you to detach? What are you talking about with the IUD? And how does that make him want OW?
It was a rant! I will definitely not deny that! I was snooping and was set off and I just had had enough...that day I know I should have kept my big mouth shut and I did tell him that I was sorry and don't stay mad at me long. His reply was "I never do..now do I?". We are OK as long as I do not say anything that causes him to be uncomfortable. We get along great as long as he can come and go as he pleases and I never say anything controversial!!! Do that make sense?? It sounds as if you two lack conflict resolution tools or skills. Anyone gets along when they get along, the trouble is when there's trouble, you can't seem to work through it. Is that accurate? If so, what are you doing about that?
I really appreciate your words of wisdom...does any of this help to understand better? Most of the time I get on here and rant and I realize that I may not be showing all of the sides to this crazy sitch.
See questions above...I AM Confused by your comments here. But you do have to own some control over your mouth. Don't do any R talk for now. Your issues with conflict resolution, are NOT solvable now b/c you are not together. In your IC, you can work on that but it mostly focuses on anger management. If you can't do that, you guys are probably doomed. But you can, right?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I think his previous behavior makes it harder for me to detach, because I know that I can forgive him for this just as I have forgiven him in the past. That sounds really stupid, now that I've seen it in writing. I just enable him to have no conflict resolutions skills because he never has to take responsibility for his actions. Wow! I need to think about that...maybe that will give me the resolve to really detach and let him take responsibility for himself.
He doesn't handle conflict well at all, but I believe that comes from where he grew up. His Dad could say or do anything that he liked and his Mom just took it. She never stood up for herself, she never "rocked the boat", and she never made a fuss. He told me once, that he expected our relationship to be like that. He doesn't think there should be any real conflict. Any time that there is a real problem he just buries his head in the sand and just hopes that it will get better on its on. My problems with the IUD are a perfect example. He never, not one time, told me that he was upset with me. I would talk about the way I was feeling all of the time. I would tell him that I was frustrated and that I felt like I was pushing him away, especially in the sex dept. He always said "You are making it worse than it really is...it's really OK." I was completely blindsided when I found out about the OW.
Yes...I can control my mouth. I think one of my goals is that any time I want to have a conversation with him because I am upset and "done" that day, I will avoid talking to him for any length of time because I want to tell him! I've always told him how I'm feeling and what I think, so it's a really hard habit to break.
I really appreciate you coming by...you've really given me some food for thought. I hope that the answers I have provided help you a little more. Just know that I realize that I have a long way to go in this process. I'm all over the place with how I feel about it all and I'm just trying to find a constant.
Me: 31 H: 30 Kids: D9 Together almost 12 years Married almost 5 years EA began: 8/10 Separated: 3/11
I know I should have kept my big mouth shut and I did tell him that I was sorry and don't stay mad at me long. His reply was "I never do..now do I?". We are OK as long as I do not say anything that causes him to be uncomfortable. We get along great as long as he can come and go as he pleases and I never say anything controversial!!! Do that make sense??