Recovering after a same sex affair - Part 4

[sparks14]

All that being said be VERY careful reinitiating intimacy. Do not pursue intimacy even if she moves back in, and wants to work things out. I know it will be hard, but I made that mistake and I'm pretty sure it has set me back. Let her come to you, otherwise she will think that you are forcing yourself on her. (This doesn't just refer to ml, but also to hugs and kisses). Be positive, and be happy, but most importantly let the intimacy and that close contact come naturally.

I think this is fantastic advice. I know that not pushing intimacy would be the correct move for any LBS. I think it is ten fold when it comes to a WAW that has sexuality questions.

After this experience I believe that women will gravitate to whoever can meet her needs, be it male or female. Unfortunately society (to include you) are pressuring her to pick between 3 boxes. Straight, lesbian, or bi. Each time she changes boxes it is a huge emotional problem, since she now must rationalize and agonize over this new decision. The more you push her, the more she will be reminded of this and backlash at you for pressuring her to make a choice. (I'm sure you knew all this already). Instead just let it come naturally. I think Michelle said it best when she said (and I paraphrase) that intimacy is built by spending good times together, with little to no negatives. WAW's are blinded by their need to run away from their LBS that they don't see the negatives in their new relationship with OM (or in our case OW). Thus the dreaded fog.... Spend time positively with her, while minimizing bad experiences (like pushing for intimacy), and the intimacy and positive sexual tension will naturally return. (At least thats what I got from MWD's article).

So true. I am finding out that the sexuality spectrum is not as defined or discovered as neatly as I anticipated. I must remind myself that this is a long and very difficult situation for my W to go through right now. I must avoid any pushing behaviors. There will be no chance that I initiate anything sexually until she is ready and then allow her to initiate.

[edited by dbmod: reference is not recommended nor allowed]It has been a great help to me to understand which of my nice guy behaviors she has found repulsive, and have contributed to her not being attracted to me.

While reading your posts, I have really looked deep to see if that book would help me. I just don't know. I will fully admit that I have nice guy tendencies. My W's own cousin used to joke about my halo that I wore. I am a very sensitive and caring person. Nice guy? Absolutely yes. However, I don't think these are the behaviors that are pushing my W away. From her history of our M, the times when I strayed away from the nice guy and showed my hard head is what really caused trouble. The main theme we discuss is how she feels unheard or unequal. I would think that me showing no more mr. nice guy would only play right into that. My taking responsibility on many matters without asking for her influence was a huge marriage killer for her.

I don't know. I think it might be a good read to pick up on some good behaviors to practice. I just fear that it would do the opposite that I what my intent would be.