Digging Through Old Email

[tadpole1025]

Thanks MHL, Antonia and AJ.

MHL, understanding it does make it a little easier to "accept." You know what else? I KNOW I wasn't a perfect husband and could have done some things better, but I was a damn good one. No doubt about that in my mind. I had a woman tell me that I was going to make someone very happy someday. I wish it could have been W. Out of my control though right? This would have happened regardless.

That is probably the most honest statement she made and it gives you a glimpse into just how effed up she is in her mind.

Think about it......what a childish thing to do or say. Its wrong, I know its wrong, I've been caught, I don't care, it feels good therefore it must be okay.

She then justifies it by externalizing her feelings, she has in fact "animated" her feelings into an entity that has complete control over her, as if she has no choice in the matter.

I've actually thought about this. Sometimes it seems as if she knows that what she is doing wrong, but can't help it. Weird.

She "knows" she loves you but doesn't feel it.......

thus the "ILYBINILWY" that we all hear.

Does she REALLY know?

She is trying to "fool" herself......and when she doesn't believe her own bullchit then that is when the anger comes and they have to demonize us and take on the victim role.

And that is when I become the devil to her and she feels entitled to everything right?

YOU ARE AN ADDICT

SHE IS THE DRUG

WHEN YOU HAVE INTERACTIONS WITH HER YOU ARE ON DRUGS

WHEN YOU ARE ON DRUGS YOU DO AND SAY THINGS THAT ARE HARMFUL TO YOU AND THOSE AROUND YOU.

Yes, I am starting to understand this. She is like a drug to me. When I interact with her, it has the potential to cause me harm, her harm, our sitch harm.....everything. I am not going to see her this weekend when she picks up S16. It will be tough, but I have to do it for my own good.

MHL is right. You are withdrawing from her and it's terribly painful. But you have to take steps to remove the temptations to have even those indirect connections. I'm glad to hear you deleted the email. Your next task is to not even read the next one you happen to find :-)

Thanks Antonia. I held on to them for months and deleted a lot of emails last night. I still have to remove a lot of old texts that I saved on my phone. I may do that tonight. I'll try to do that without reading them. You all are so right about her being a "drug" to me. I read some of the emails last night and guess how they made me feel? Yep......terrible. I even woke up this morning thinking about all of the crap that I read last night.

Don't keep the old emails, Tad. That will do nothing for you except pull you back to the past. Do you want to be pulled back into that? Really? Think about that because that tie to the past is killing you - both.

So true AJ. Screw the past. The past has already caused me too much pain.

My garden is doing well. Job search? Eh. Not much out there. Still nothing.

I've missed you AJ. I was beginning to think that maybe I said something to offend you. Glad you are back. You've been a great help.

The latest:

W sent S18 a text late last night asking if he was going to spend Mother's Day with her. He told her no. He was going to spend it with his girlfriend. She didn't respond. I really do feel bad for her. I can't help it. I just do.

Thanks for everything.

Tad