My aunt sent me an email today wanting me to forward it to H. It was all about how she was thinking about him and appreciates him. She has never spent much time with him, but she’s a sentimental kind of person so it’s not totally weird that she’d do something like that out of the blue. In fact, I think it’s very nice, so I sent it to H, knowing he won’t think it’s nice at all. Anyway, I don’t expect to hear anything back, unless he wants to gripe at me for telling my whole family about our situation. I haven’t told anyone, even my cousin who lives with me knows the bare minimum, but H is all into his privacy and will accuse me of speaking to my family like that’s bad. I’ve chosen not to talk to my family about it, because they’ll all have opinions and it’s already confusing enough without more opinions. I’m sure my cousin hasn’t said anything to my aunt about my sitch as we generally have a rule about not ratting each other out to our moms.
So today I want to rant about my brother in law, mainly because I think he’s a bad influence on H. H lives with his B, and the more time they spend together the more alike they are and the more sacred BIL becomes. H says he’s still the same man I married, but I don’t think so. He has occasionally channeled his brother through the years, but now it’s almost always. H used to be a little weirded out by BIL. H loves his brother, but even he could concede that BIL is anti-social, irrationally reclusive, negative, perfection seeking, miserly, and closed minded. None of this matters anymore to H and H says his brother is just misunderstood.
H told me and our MC last year that he was worried about what would happen to his brother if H moved out here with me, because BIL wouldn’t have anyone in his life. Hello… the man couldn’t have driven his wife away more effectively if he’d chased her with a stick. He doesn’t invite anyone except H to his home, ever. He doesn’t allow his wife to invite people over, ever. He doesn’t go to visit other people if he can avoid it. He doesn’t socialize with anyone except H. He doesn’t open his front door if someone rings the bell, ever. He doesn’t even open his blinds. He doesn’t want friends. It is his choice not to have any friends, but somehow my husband believes he is responsible for being the only link his brother has to the outside world. Meanwhile, he doesn’t feel the same obligation to me (his wife) living in another city for five years.
BIL is such a miser that he doesn’t turn the heat on in winter until it’s really freezing and then he keeps it low so it’s always cold in the house. BIL doesn’t turn the air conditioner on in summer until it’s really hot and then he keeps it set high. (He also doesn’t want the windows open so when it’s stifling you can’t get any fresh air.) He doesn’t allow the stairwell light on anymore even though there are obstacles on the stairs that could cause a person to go flying if they make a misstep. His brother doesn’t care about anybody’s comfort or safety, just shaving a few dollars off of the utility bill every month, and he’s not even close to poor. H used to think that his brother’s discomfort for the sake of thriftiness was over the top, but now H goes on about how his brother is just trying to save a little money. Worse yet, the last couple of times H has been out to see me he’s started messing with the thermostat and complaining about lights being on. H doesn’t even pay the utility bills, so what does he care. Fortunately, at our house H doesn’t put up a big fight if I’m cold and want the heater turned back up or if it’s dark and I want a light on in the next room just for the sake of having a light on. Still, I know he’s trying to follow his brother’s “admirable” example, and I don’t like where it’s heading.
BIL is so antisocial that he can’t hack when anyone disagrees with him. I know BIL and H are much more closely aligned in their views of the world than H is with me. Most of the time BIL is just narrow minded, but sometimes he is really sick… like getting gleeful when bad things happen to politicians he dislikes. I’m a very opinionated person, but in my H’s family it is forbidden to disagree with BIL, because he can’t handle it. If I even say, “Well, I don’t really see that the same way,” and leave it at that, H will wait until we’re alone to jump on my case for disagreeing with his brother in his brother’s own house. I once sat through five minutes of his brother’s vile tirade, and got b!+ched at for saying I disagreed??? More recently, H has taken to telling me that I’m not allowed to express my opinions in our home, because H lives there too and doesn’t agree with me. ??? What kind of macho, caveman garbage is that??? He gave up on it, but I really think he was serious.
Knowing H has really opened my eyes to different political perspectives, and even if I don’t always agree with him I do have a better understanding because of him. It doesn’t matter how open minded I am, because if I don’t absolutely agree with H then I am absolutely wrong. Nowadays, H doesn’t even ask my opinion, he just tells me what I think. Last week, I saw an interviewer asking a politician really stupid questions. I said something like, “That’s dumb.” And H started yelling at me because he thought I was criticizing the politician. I didn’t even bother to tell H that it was the reporter, not the politician who was being stupid. Why? He doesn’t listen anyway. Short version, the more time they spend together, the less tolerant H becomes.
H does better when he’s not around that awful little man. Together they seem to be forming some twisted new standard of normal for themselves. Yuck!
