....You do all you can to prepare yourself, yet it hurts everytime. The higher you go, the more it hurts, because it does feel like all the work was for nothing. I will post the details soon. For now I posted them on the NMMNG forums, will copy and paste them here soon. I think things may have stabilized, but I won't lie I want the high I was feeling a few days ago back.
OK, I went over there and read your post and some of the comments.
I am not sure I would give the same advice. I will share an episode of what happened in my marriage and its repair, before I give you some thoughts and advice.
Once on a weekend morning during a business trip that my wife came along on, I gave my wife a foot massage for 40 minutes. We were in bed in a motel and I was in my underwear on the bed making her feel good and loved. When the massage was over, my wife ran from the bedroom, locked herself in, then took a long shower.
You said in your post that your wife said she wanted you, that after she accidently hit you with a thrown water bottle that was aimed at your hands that she ran her breasts against your face to make you feel better. Then you say when you place your hands on her hips that she amost accused you of rape. I don't think she was messing with you, I think she was internally confused.
Let me tell you what I learned later during a sex therapist session about the foot massage that I gave my wife. What I learned later was that my wife had gotten so aroused that she was starting to want to have sex with me, but that scared her. She was still too angry with me to even consider having sex with me. So she did the only reasonable thing she could think of and ran. Had I made a big deal about it at the time I would have just made things worse. I just shook my head, crawled under the covers and read until she was out of the shower and didn't say a thing.
I figured that she was just testing me again and trying to do things to pick a fight. Your wife is going to do weird things while she is trying to figure herself out. Be a strong resolute beacon of masculinity that she can lean on, while she figures herself out.
So, let me summarize. What you took for your wife acting crazy and accusing you of "rape" was probably her panicing over her being aroused and wanting to have sex with you. The weird news is as much as you may want to have sex with your wife, the two of you are probably not yet ready for that; but you are making real progress. Don't push.
Keep up the good work of getting a life. It is showing results. Make sure that you are getting you "needs" met (and not you wants). At this point sex is not yet a "need"....it will be in the future, but not now. (I know it seems like a need, but trust me it isn't. If it is a need, take care of yourself.)
You wife is confused about her emotions and what she wants. My suggestion is that this is a perfect time for the two of you to try counseling. She has deep questions about her sexuality that she really needs to talk through with someone. A sex therapist could help the two of you a lot at this point, in my opinion. Ultimately, a sex therapist could negotiate the two of you into making love on a regular basis and resolving many of your issues. Find a good one, check references and don't settle for one that isn't going to help the two of you.
As to the threesome comment of yours to your wife! Is the strong masculine GAL person you want to become; the one who says he doesn't want an open marriage? That comment was a mistake and you know it, which is good.
Don't make comments or challenges that you really aren't willing to follow up on. You are trying to become an integrated man, which means a man of integrity, a man of substance and one who is a constant in your wife's life.
Your wife is likely to challenge you on something like this in the future. If she does, don't take the bait, look at her tell her you love her, that you want to honor your marriage to her and that you can't be part of such a thing. Tell her that saving your marriage is important to you, that is something you are committed to, because you are committed to having her in your life and that such a thing would not help rebuild your marriage.
Now for some pointed after action reviews.
You are begining to understand that one of your wife's languages of love is "acts of service" such as making you breakfast or coffee in the morning. Have you thanked her after she has done this and said that you appreciate how much she loves you? Statements of love should be acknowledged! Getting you a water bottle (that seems to have worked a couple of times) is an act of service statement of love. Did you thank her and acknowledge her action?
Think about a TV-sitcom where a couple are kissing and one of them say to the other "I love you" and the other person just smiles, but says nothing. The other person is suppose to say "I love you" back or something is wrong. When your wife in her language of love says I love you by an act of service, what have you done and what has been the result?
What similar kinds of "acts of service" have you done for your wife that make her feel loved. Have you told her that she is special to you and that you want to cook her a great meal, where all she has to do is sit back and relax?
My wife tells me she loves me having a hot home cooked dinner ready when I get home. Guess what I am doing for Mother's Day.
I am going to BBQ a great early Sunday dinner for my wife. I am getting the steaks, I am going to shop for and cook the veggies, make the salad, the dessert and when it is all over clean things up so that she feels pampered and loved. And she will feel loved, because I am communicating to her in "her" language of love, the one she uses to tell me she loves me. Personally, it would mean more to me (and a lot less to her) to tell her I love her, how wonderful she is, and hold her close to me, but that is not what I am going to do.
It took my a long time to understand what Chapman really was talking about in the Five Languages of Love book, but once I did, I was able to do multiple things each day that made my wife feel loved. I made sure it was "unconditional love" with nothing expected in return and that it was present each day. After about 5 months it made a real difference.
So what kinds of acts of service are you going to do for her to make her feel loved? Try some and see which work. See which ones light up her face and cause her to let you know that she feels loved. The ones that work best, incorporate into a daily/weekly ritual where she feels she is appreciated.
Things will take time, it will be a roller coaster. Find strength within you to carry you through. Work on becoming a stronger more integrated man.
Figure out how to make her feel loved in an unconditional way.
Good luck to you.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
