Standing for my live-in MLC'er/WAS

[angel61]

I do see a lot of parallels in your situation and mine, but your H is a talker and mine is not, so he does not really let me into his mind and ll i could do is (I now, I should not do this, but I have no choice) mind read.

H does have to change, but I cannot do anything about that, I can only change myself. I have been trying to, but it is hard for me, and basically, the problem I have is that I still want to control the situation, and like an addict, I find ways and means to covertly do this.

For example: I see H looking at a bank account online that I know he used a couple of times for OW related expenses (flowers, tickets to a concert) that he did not want me to know as it is an account I never access. I know H will not do anything to jeopardize our family's finances, in spite of his MLC, and he has made it known to me that he wants me to trust him on money matters - he said that he has proven to us that he is trustworthy on that account, and I must say so far everything has been good.

But still, no matter what, even if I tell myself to leave him be when it comes to OW, he has to sort it out himself .... I find myself thinking of ways and means to control the situation. So I told him we should close that account, as it was a liability, bt of course my motive is to stop him from having a way to spend money on OW. He had no recourse but to agree, but I could tell he could see into my motives.

In our relationship, the struggle to control was and is very strong. For H, it is very overt - he tells me to do things, wants things done in a certain way, gets angry when we don't follow. H is a total control freak. Mine is more subtle - and it also worked better, me getting what I wanted more often than he did.

I have a feeling that H is testing me on this, trying to see if I could let go of my controlling nature. Problem is, I am willing but he also has to let go, plus I also can't just trust yet at this point. He sees that not following him is a sign of mistrust, of not respecting his decisions as the leader of the family! Or maybe he is trying to see if I believe him when he says there is nothing going on between him and OW? I don't really know.

As for H going back to his old ways - I really interpret it more as a way to let me know that he feels comfortable again with me. The things he came back to where not the ones we did not agree on - rather, they are the ones that fostered a feeling of closeness and/ or intimacy between us. For example, last night he handed me his rash lotion (we got heat rash from our vacation) and asked me to apply it on him. I was surprised because there was a time he seemed not to want me to even touch him. He did it again this morning! Maybe I can ask him to apply it to me too tonight?? and take the chance to do some flirting

It seems more confusing than ever. But one thing I know, and I am sure I can control, is myself, so thats one things I can focus on.