Yup, my main issue has been that i always succumb to stressors. I have been learning slowly to decouple from the stressors. It has been a bumby road, but i aim to keep pushing.
Start now. Why learn it "slowly"? What's with the "aim to keep pushing"? Get some help for it and just do it. Learn to stay calm, use your faith or mantra or whatever works but lose the freak out habit. It's NOT attractive and it's NOT Healthy for YOU.
Yup with GALing i do activities that just involves me. I have always been an introvert, but am trying to hang out with people more. It has been overwhelming, but again i plan on overcoming this too.
Your wording when you discuss change such as GAL activities ALL has the sound of future tense, as in "trying to hang out", "planning to" and "aiming to" etc. Just do it. Now. It's not brain surgery. Join something with other people in it. Do it by Monday. There are classes, clubs, sports teams, seminars, Toastmaster's speaking clubs if you need help with public speaking. All have other people in them. What are you afraid of? Do some logical reasoning here... No one is going to ask you to stand up, get naked, carve letters in your forehead, force you to sing or dance, or tell your darkest secrets (at least not in the GAL activities I have in mind).
MK, THERE'S FAR LESS TO FEAR than you realize. And there's a huge upside. Change MK, and begin today.
Wife taking away daughter...Wife did not taker her out of state. She took her to dallas. I live in austin. She did this when i was out of the country visiting my parents. She wanted to visit her family in dallas and never came back. Only came back to take all that was hers and our daughters.
That's not in compliance with the laws of any state (unless you later "ratified it" by doing nothing about it when you had your chance). You can call her on it. Talk to your L. But Austin to Dallas is less than 6 hours driving. My h is in the Army reserves right now. He's about 6 hours away. He comes home every single weekend. Hasn't missed one. He's an MD so it's not as if his work isn't demanding. You can see your D a lot more than you have.
Anxiety has been my biggest issue in our marriage. Personally it has helped me, but in the marriage it wreaked havoc.
Yes it is a huge issue in your M, paralyzing you and creating pain and strife and MORE conflict in your life and marriage. Further, I don't buy that it helped you "personally" at all. How can it have helped you "personally" if it ruined your r with your w AND interferes with your R's with your parents? I don't buy it. I wonder if You're really saying that somehow anxiety motivated you in your work b/c fear of failure got you to move forward professionally...is that it? Well believe me, there are tons of healthier HAPPIER ways to motivate yourself.
Just b/c your fears pushed you at work, does not mean there are not better options and it's just a fact, there ARE better options. For one thing, there are happier ones.
Your approach seems to be "terror of failing fuels my ambition" and that means that for every professional achievement and the pleasure it might bring, you had to "pay" in days of feeling terrible and panicking, which you admit. Man, Life is short. Why spend it in pain and agony and discomfort and fear, when you don't have to? And you don't have to. Plus of course, the anxiety problem is HUGE in your posts, your actions, your relationships and your marriage, even MORE now. You know this now so I won't belabor the point.
But I wanted to call you on how it's "helped" you personally...no way. I think you got your work done DESPITE your anxiety. And what other ways do you think it "helped" you? Socially? No, you are an introvert with anxiety issues so you have to fix the anxiety asap. It's also physically unhealthy. I'm surprised you don't have digestive issues and sleep problems. This is a big obstacle for you to overcome. So start asap. The good news is that you know it.
I do intend to seek professional help dealing with the anxiety. Problem has been finding the correct person. I have been visiting therapists for 3 years now and somehow none of them helped much.
Sorry but I have to call you on this. THREE years of "various therapists somehow" did not help you much??? That means to me, you resist change/don't listen or do what they ask. And you have resisted change and reverted to your old behaviors a LOT, and you still do. I don't get it. If I had a habit that cost me the most important thing in my life, I'd lose that habit as fast as I could. I would try anything to avoid feeling the loss of my loved one. THAT LOSS is more than my pain or discomfort in quitting the "habit". Either way you'll be uncomfortable.
In all the important R's in your life, you repeat behaviors that don't work, or harm the R's, you revert to them, you don't do new behaviors for long, which means you resist change as if it's the most terrifying thing in the world. Even when things are in a shambles with old behaviors being repeated, you seem more comfortable with the losses you face, than the idea of actual genuine deep change within you. Maybe down deep, you think it would be less painful for you to just give up, act and be the same anxious fear driven man you've been, who might meet some woman who doesn't care that you are fear driven and would control your life and make all the choices for you, and you could hope that they'd put you first and just start over with a new family. Is that appealing to you? IS it at all realistic? You need to figure that out. See, in the long run, imho, you'll have more comfort and ease by changing now. I can't see the behaviors you've exhibited being very rewarding in the long run.
The great news is that this is all within your control. Do you see how wonderful that is? Sure, you feel guilty for causing a lot of problems but you know there are solutions. It'd be much worse to have the issues all relate to your w having, say, a drug problem for example. Then you'd be stuck b/c you would have no control over her problems...This is why I WANTED to be at "fault" when my h and I went to mc in his MLC. But alas, they'd say things like "your h is acting like a single man, wants out..." and there wasn't much I could say to that.
If you choose to abdicate the responsibility of your life, and blame others and want them to "fix" you in a way that makes it easy for you, you'll stay stuck in your present type of life..I mean, 3 years with different therapists, and it didn't occur to you that maybe YOU are not "getting" it? Wake up my friend. You can do this. YOU MUST.
For possibly the first time in your life, we're telling you to take charge of your happiness and life. Don't resist change, embrace change. The real alternative to change, in your situation, is pretty miserable looking and lonely. You simply have nothing to lose & everything to gain. This is your life, it's not a dress rehearsal. You are already in the 2nd Act. There's only one Act left and then it's time for the epilogue. So Go for it.
FYI- there are some men around here who can better help you with a lot of the "manning up" issues. Robx, Gucci, Was2sad (Was2 helped me a great deal when h first left. Was2 is brilliant and kind and just what I needed. But all 3 of these men will give you useful advice, which you can ignore, accept or pick and choose. Just wondering where you are from b/c you say "yup" for yes. Is that an idiom in your homeland? Curious.
Good luck
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
