GAL Man, Welcome to the boards! You might get more responses if you repost this in Newcomers, which perhaps you already have. Just so you know where I’m coming from I had a WAH in 2002, and we reconciled. Last week, I dropped the D bomb on him and I’ve probably been in WAW mode for the past year or so. Suffice it to say, I’ve seen this from both sides. I’m back on the boards, because I want to get a D with my head screwed on straight. That said, I have a tendency to think less about DBing skills than self-preservation. Nonetheless, I do understand the desire to keep your M and fix your R, so here goes.
The first thing I have to say is with regard to your actions.
You said: “The M3 module has given me some insight into looking at myself first…I love her, but it’s got to be right for both of us…” That whole paragraph was rockin’! When I first DB’d all those years ago, it was hard to get to the place where I could let go of the R and put my H’s need to be away from me above my own need to be with him. I realized that whether I agreed with H or not, he was hurting and he thought the only way to stop the hurt was to cut me out of his life. I certainly thought he was wrong, but I decided to let him be the judge of what was best for himself. If he truly needed to be away from me for his own well being, what kind of loving person would I be if I insisted on keeping him. That’s when I was able to let him go, and achieve acceptance and the peace of mind that comes with it. Keep moving toward that and you’ll be in the best possible position to handle whatever your W decides to do.
Absolutely work on yourself and do that very hard job of letting your W stew in her own problems. I know you’re worried about her eating and drinking and sleeping and living arrangements, but she needs to sort that out for herself.
You mentioned that she’s can’t leave for five weeks and she’s not really taking the appropriate steps to leave. It may be maddening for her to say one thing and then do nothing, but it’s a good sign that she’s ambivalent. Let it go. Don’t push her one way or the other. Count every day that she doesn’t manage to leave or make plans to leave as another day that she’s still thinking about what to do and another opportunity to DB while she’s in the home. Believe me, once they’re gone it’s not as easy to get them home again.
The second thing I noticed was in your actions you said that you “sent her a message yesterday agreeing to her that we should break up and that the R we had was broken… we were making the right decision” and then you went on to say that this was for acceptance and doesn’t represent how you truly feel. It seemed like you were a little hurt that she was pleased that you’d said this.
First, it’s okay that she’s pleased. Hopefully she realizes you’re being big about this.
Second, you may not want to misrepresent your position, as she may find it harder to approach you if she changes her mind and thinks you really want this. She may also distrust you later, if she finds out that you’re just saying things to appease her. What I used to tell my H was that, I didn’t agree that the D was a good idea, but if that was what he wanted I would not create any obstacles or make it more difficult than it already was. H did not always appreciate this position, and sometimes he suspected my motives, but the actions that followed it up were that I signed all the papers, cooperated in splitting assets, exceeded all of the court deadlines, and even waived my right to a waiting period.
You say that your wife feels like you talk down to her. I have some insight into this, because my H has a championship belt in patronizing, and he doesn’t even acknowledge that he does it. After years of listening to insulting lectures about things I know very well without being told, I’m at the point where even minor “just making sure you know” statements send me up the wall. Put downs and patronizing talk no matter how unintentional have a build up effect. Your wife may be lashing out over seemingly little things because what she’s really hearing is that one little nit plus thousands of other little nits that you’ve said and long forgotten about. If my H says, “Don’t forget to put the keys in the basket where I can find them,” I hear the message “You are still too stupid to be trusted with even the keys.”
I have no idea if being patronizing is really a big problem for you or if you were just venting on your thread. (Sometimes it helps to denote venting as such, so there’s no confusion) Nonetheless, you did say “She doesn’t have a clue about tech or money for that matter as I do everything.” It may not have come across well, because you’re upset at her. It may even be true, but it sounded like you were insulting her. Obviously you didn’t insult her to her face, because she’s not reading your thread, but do you say things like that to her?
The other thing that struck me about your comment on her lack of tech and money skills is that it is good that you are letting her sort this stuff out on her own as much as she can. I believe you when you say that these aren’t her strong suits, and you have a point that she needs to learn what it’s like to manage these things on her own. Consider also that in letting her figure it out you’re showing confidence in her, and if she does figure it out she’ll have more confidence in herself. The idea of not being needed usually strikes terror in the hearts of LB spouses, but it may be that your wife needs a sense of accomplishment to give her the confidence to tackle something really hard… like your R.
Anyway, those are my first blush thoughts. You are doing some good things for your R. Keep at it and take care of yourself. --z
