Am I on the right track?

[NEmoose43]

Ok, update time. Got a text from W as I was driving home, so that solved that dilemma. Here's the convo:

W - How was work?

M - Slow, glad to be heading home, I'm beat.

W - Me too, been a long day.

M - Get a lot done study wise?

W - Yeah, made a lot of progress, thanks for asking.

M - Awesome, I'm sure you'll do fine.
- Still have a lot to do?

W - Yeah, finishing up one class before we start on the next one.
- I was going to call but I don't want you to make me cry.

M - That is not going to happen W.

So she called, kept it very light, talked about work, her day, her friend who went to Boston for a job interview. She told me she decided to stay and study since her friend came back to school [They're in two classes together]. She asked if I was going to try yoga at all this week, and we spent some time talking about which classes I should start with since I'm a little worried I'm going to be in over my head.

I ended the convo, said I really needed to get some sleep, and wished her luck on her first exam tomorrow...and that was it.

Feelin pretty good right now. And again, this does not sound like a woman who's ready to walk. Granted, she still seems confused, and I have no way of knowing where she really is tonight, but I have to take her at her word that after this week she really might want to give us her full attention.

Really not expecting anything at all at this point. But hope is always there.

[LearningPatience]

That was a good convo, NE. Light, hopefully validating and you ended it on your terms. Yes, hope is there!

It's a long road so keep it all in perspective. Cherish the little things like this and most of all be patient!

[islander]

Good job with the convo but please remember this, and I think you do.

You are putting a TON of expectations on what is going to happen next week. It is very obvious. I hope the best. But you need to, really, assume that NOTHING is going to change next week you will need to be patient and not let down, not react to when things stay the same. You are going to be tempted to say "remember what you said...".

Just let things happen naturally. You don't want to be fighting for your M from where I am at, trust me. Keep up the good work

[Confused423]

Very well done on your part! Just as we've been talking about on my thread...don't have any expectations because they will only lead to disappointment.

Try thinking: No EXPECTATIONS!!! See if that helps you to focus on you and what you can control.

I'm rooting for you guys!

[NEmoose43]

I wish I could say that I was strong, I wish I could say that I believed in myself enough to not do what I did this morning, but I can't. I woke up with a pounding heart and a certainty about what was going on, and I gave in to temptation and drove to OM's house this morning when I woke up. It took over an hour, and my resolve that I was doing the right thing grew as each mile went by.

I know that this is against everything DB stands for and most of what I was saying, but I HAD to know. I had to understand what I was dealing with.

As I drove by, W was putting things into her car and saw me. I'm taking this timing as a definite sign that I was doing the right thing. It may not have been right for my marriage, but it is what's right for helping make me a stronger person. W called my cell phone and asked me to drive back so we could talk. I resolved that I would make her do the talking this time. OM apparently drove off after we pulled away, I did not see him.

I asked her what the hell was going on, and she told me that she had stayed there because the friend she normally stays with ended up staying in Boston for the night. I asked if she had ever been there before, and she said she had, alone and with other classmates, but that this was the first time she stayed over. She swore again and again that nothing physical was going on. She also said that times when she said she was staying with her other friend, she had actually just stayed at her parents house and had only told me that so I wouldn't just pop over to say hi.

She said she thought we should get a D...I told her I did not want that, and that I never would, that if she wanted one it would have to be her decision. We got into my car, and she finally opened up about everything. She said that her anger about my old EA and the way I had behaved when she went back to school had made her feel what could only be described as hatred towards me. I told her that I understood why she felt that way, and she acknowledged that I had taken full ownership of how I had acted. But, I made it very clear that I never knew how she felt because she never told me. I said that I should've been more attentive to how I spoke and acted, and I realize that and so many other things.

She said that she was afraid that if she came back that nothing would get better...basically going back to our same circular conversation...so I put my foot down. I said that I knew she was afraid, that I was afraid too, and that it was perfectly normal for both of us to feel that way. But, I said I knew now exactly where I had failed her and myself, and that it WOULD NOT happen again. Told her I was a changed man, and I knew that she could already see that. She said she didn't want to come back and just have things go back to the old ways. I told her again that that WAS NOT going to happen.

I said "W, I am pledging to be your partner and your biggest fan. I know that you are dealing with a lot of issues with your self-esteem and finding confidence in yourself, and I am so so sorry for the part that I played in making you feel like you lost your sense of who you are. I know now that supporting you with school and your goals is the most important thing to you, and I want more than anything to have the chance to prove it. We should have been partners all along, and I put myself ahead of you...I will NEVER do that again. I don't want the M we had, I want a better one, and I want it with you."

We hugged and said goodbye, and she asked me if I was going to do anything to OM. I told her that if she was telling me that he was just a good friend and that she didn't have feelings for him, then I would believe that. And honestly, I don't care if there is more there, because it doesn't change my resolve at all. She then asked me if I was still coming to her parents house on Sunday for Mother's Day (???)

As we were driving away she called me to ask if I knew where I was going. I said I'd figure it out once I got back to the highway. She didn't say anything so I said this: "W, I'll say it again, I do NOT want a divorce. You know that we have the tools to rebuild our M, and I'll repeat what I said the other day, when you're ready to try, I'll be here. Let me know when you know what the plans are for Sunday." We said goodbye and hung up.

So where does that leave me? This was the fire I needed to throw myself into in order to come out reforged. I have found closure on all the doubts that I've been talking about over the last few days. I made no ultimatums, and I didn't ask her to make any decisions or set any timetables, and after today, I honestly don't have any timetables myself. I think she is utterly baffled by the fact that I love her so unconditionally. But that's how I feel. I want my W back, and I want to have our life together be better for this ordeal. I know that we can be, and I know she needs to come to that decision on her own. I know 2x4's are probably already being warmed up, but I tell you guys, I needed to do this. I needed to confront her, and I needed to make sure everything is out in the open. Now that it is, I'm ready to move on, and if she wants to do it with me, then so be it.

[Denver_2010]

No 2x4's from me NE... not today anyway. I'm happy that you found some sort of comfort in what happened and what was discussed with your W. This stuff is not easy. Tread carefully in the future with this kind of stuff NE... that is my only warning to you.

BITS
Denver

[Confused423]

Wow Moose! That was a big step you have taken. I think you handled the conversation well. The only caution I would give you is this: After you say those types of things and they open up to you like that, you start having all kinds of expectations. If they start to move toward you a little more, you start assuming that they want to be back with you forever and it makes you crazy.

I've had that conversation with my H about 3 times. They are so afraid that the M will go back to the way it was and they are just too afraid to try. I honestly understand how you feel and if you can keep up this new momentum then it will be a GREAT thing for you. Just remember the word of caution.

The vets will be along to give you what for I'm sure

[NEmoose43]

Denver, thanks for not beating me up. I was really feeling like a doormat, and confronting her has taken that away.

Confused, I really don't expect her to move toward me right now. I'm not sure what she's going to do. Who knows, maybe after her finals, she's going to say I'm done and head to the lawyer. As so many have pointed out though, her words and actions are not pointing this way. She is a very confused woman, and she's very scared, that much is certain. And to swear to me with tears in her eyes that there is still nothing physical with OM while we're within sight of his house...some may say I'm kidding myself, but I honestly believe her.

I am treating this like I am on my own now. If she wants to continue to live this life together, then I am more than willing to put in the work. But I'm looking out for myself now. If I see something from her this weekend, then great, but I am not expecting anything at all right now.

[calystra]

Yeah sometimes those bad decisions turn into good conversations. It was a great conversation. Now you HAVE to let her come to you. This has to be her choice and her decision, you cannot make it for her.

Go GAL til Sunday. They're right that you're going to have tons of expectations, but just stay calm and realize you've put yourself completely out there. Everything is out in the open. She understand you, you understand her and now she needs to make this choice. This is the point I got to last time - oh how I wish I could fast forward back to it now.

[calystra]

I just wanted to emphasize for your own resolve that I just feel that in this sitch right now, anything you do to initiate contact would completely detract from the discussion you just had. Stay very strong and patient.