The big punch

[25yearsmlc]

[quote=mykarma]Thanks 25. I am very lucky to have you commenting on my sitch.
I think i have better understood the 'fake it till you make it' method. [/quote

Good, and you're welcome. Another suggestion for you - I found it very helpful to start envisioning my life in the future, short term and long term, 2 years, 5-10 years, etc. And in my scenarios, I was sometimes with h, sometimes without h. Sometimes with a new OM, sometimes alone.But In ALL my visions of my future, I forced myself to envision myself as a HAPPY WOMAN NO MATTER WHAT H did..I fleshed it out with details, being with the kids and h sometimes having them without me, or which new job I'd have. Where I'd live, as I could finally move wherever I wanted. I wondered if I'd keep my dog or let d22 have her and get a new puppy, or if I'd join a new book club, take another class, study or work abroad, move back home, etc.
You can begin envisioning, in detail, a happy you. What's it look like?

Then I began to make some of the visions/dreams, come true THEN. It was my GAL. And you know, I got happier and happier and naturally h noticed. After some time, months really, h wanted to come back into the m, but honestly, I had some reservations. I had come to like my new life and the kids were in their routine and we had managed damn well.

You CAN do this. NO WAITING for your life to start being good. It was all new to me too, my m was quite long; we had married when I was young. I had stayed at home for several years w/the kids, so employment was a stressor for me. You really have it easier than you realize. I mean it's hard, but not complicated. I just want you to know it was NOT easy for me or anyone here. There are wives here who never worked outside the home and have no college degrees and are left pretty darn stranded...but We learn as we go. No one here had it easy. We were all making big changes in our lives WHILE we were in great pain AND trying to comfort our children, maintaining as much stability as possible. It was the hardest thing I've ever done, let alone for so long. My h was gone for 2 years...

I suggest you read Holly06's thread as her h div her and now, finally, they are dating. It happens.

Remember the metaphor about your life being a novel?

Okay, so who is writing your novel? How do you like how THIS chapter is going? Really think about this okay....and why don't YOU write the rest of this novel? No more letting her reaction or comment or not calling you that day, or getting off curtly, affect your life or happiness.
Be the author of your life MK..

You demonstrated that some stressors affect you too much, so get some help with your anxiety levels. Have you seen a professional for that? If not, why not? What did they recommend?
It's clear your anxiety issues have greatly damaged your m and your w's views of you & the M. Plus, your d is growing up. Model a strong calm man for her, in charge of his stress.

Most of what you are dealing with as stressors, are tragic but typical in today's world (parental illness, the death of a loved one, a move, divorce, the loss of a job. My h and I have lost 4 family members in 2 years, 3 of them in 14 months AND I lost my job to care for mil with terminal cancer and our older d was in a pricey college & was assaulted and it was a traumatic experience for her, needless to say). Your d will someday face tough things. You just get through it. A parent has to show the child that their pain is not eternal and it's not fatal. Remember that. Teach her that. Know it in your heart and head. Where the head goes, the heart will follow.

When you let anxieties affect you so much that you lose your effectiveness and control over your words/actions, then you're letting your life get out of control. No more surrendering control of your life to the whims of your w, or fate and or chance. Take charge of your life/happiness. It's your responsibility.

1) GAL, and use some details planning them. Spend some time making a list (check out Denver's recent list.)
You need more than one activity but make at least one of them involve meeting other people. Avoid too much "alone" time.

Live in a small town? Well, we were in the interior of Alaska, remote small city of maybe 40k (though I think they were counting caribou, not people. Seemed to me to have maybe 5k, but whatever)....in the winter it was Dark 20 hours a day, w/deathly cold winters that lasted WAY too long...had a newborn, and two older children in elementary school. I had No job and had just moved there for h, so had no friends outside of h's work people.

SO--I took a dance class for exercise but it was hilarious, (fun)- a pottery class (total 180' for me, & kinda fun), I auditioned for theater roles and usually got them (SUPER FUN) and did stand up comedy (SUPER FUN) and volunteered at the women's shelter (Not fun but important AND I met my bff there), joined a writer's group (THAT group activity still helps my career & introduced me to a cool playwright who won an Oscar here!!), I worked out (had to for sanity & Vanity) saw a counselor (same thing-needed my sanity), and in winters I used a tanning booth for endorphins (sorry about the cancer thing, but wanted to feel better THEN & THERE). THere were also numerous kid activities I drove to and from, like wrestling for our son, and acting for both of the older kids, even did shows with them together! (Today, my older children both have degrees in theater and are professional film actors...all of that began with my GAL activities and what they learned from it...go figure)

I forced myself to be busy b/c it was so dark there, literally. I did NOT want to surrender to the darkness outside, or inside. And though it was the hardest I've ever worked just to feel "alright", I did. Eventually I even felt good.
I know you don't want to surrender to the darkness within...so don't.

2) Do 180s that are specifc. (Not just "be calmer" but maybe an affirmative action, such as 30 min of running, or 30 min of a quiet activity focussed on mental & emotional wellness). Could be classical music you listen to, while clearing your head. And no yelling, for instance.

3) set specific achievable goals. EX: "I will not argue with wife when she calls,- for a week". Take it one week at a time. Or, "I will end the phone conversation after 5 min" and will NOT initiate R talk and will Change the topic IF she btrings up R talk...(that's a tough one for you but it'd be SUCH a 180 for you)....." Another small goal, "I will meditate/pray/jog before she calls, so that I remain calm when we speak." When you succeed, pat yourself on the back. Staying focussed on kids only, etc...that built later into safe talks about h's job and how he felt about co-workers. I wasn't crazy about that at first b/c I blamed the job for our trouble. But I had to deal with it. It was a relatively safe topic. I listened and validated as best I could. That built on itself. When he asked me questions, I started having interesting upbeat answers about MY hot fun life. And some mystery...that intrigued him...

Have notes for your conversations so you can stay on message. (You mean, act like a candidate running for election? YES I do!!) I had a few mantras or "campaign messages" to reinforce them, things I worked out with my DB coach. Validate without surrendering reality-- "sounds like that's a tough situation" even though it was a sitch that H had created himself.... They feel more guilt than we know. They won't tell US anyhow.

My H wasn't dealing with reality and I didn't want to argue or enable, so I stayed on message, as firmly but lovingly as possible.

(IOW, Getting them to realize what and who they miss, is done by having something worth missing. Meaning, by being as warm/fun/loving GAL there, playing with the kids (YOU can do that when your d visits you, by retrieving her and bringing her back to your place so she knows where you live and can literally have pictures of it, as opposed to thinking you simply appear and disappear for no known reason). You cannot be needy in front of her. OR angry. When a conflict arises, which they will, after a minute of calmly expressing yourself, if it's escalating you refer it to lawyers...and get off the phone or get back on topic, which is your d....

4) get a good therapist or counselor to deal with anxiety issues, stress management, and communication skills. You need this. How can this hurt? It can't. It could save your m and your sanity. No judgment is attached.

5) keep & listen to your L. Your d and w are far away and that's not good. To reiterate for others reading, I believe you could have stopped her from moving out of state with your d, if you had hired a L then, instead of waiting and trying to avoid conflict...or hiding your head in the sand?? (I don't know why you didn't hire a L sooner b/c if it was the costs...well, now it'll cost you more b/c you have to overcome her move, but I don't want to beat a dead horse).

Has your new L heard about how your w took the d out of state without your consent?? Arguably an effective abduction? Will she go nuts if you pursue that and if so, so what? You are not 'making things worse" by fighting for your d. Things are already there, ya know?

Can you do fun things with your d that your w would wish she could see or do? THose are the moments you'll enjoy most and she'll notice most...

YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU KNOW.
[/b]