The Roller Coaster Keeps on Rolling

[25yearsmlc]

[quote=Denver_2010]Strategy moving forward... refocusing.

I had a conversation with a good friend of mine who is familiar with DB. He/she was very helpful in getting myself refocused. This may be a bit stream of conscience, so I apologize. The purpose is to get this straight in my head and have it in writing so that I can refer to it.

1. OM does not matter. He wins if I let him. That means if I let his presence in my situation get to me, he wins. I cannot show W that I am bothered if she tells me that she has or is going to have contact with OM. I cannot control whether or not W chooses to have contact with him. I need to accept that. He wins ONLY IF I LET HIM.

I was going down your list and liking it and wanted to highlight the above. Then I saw the "update" and realized this is a whole lot of TALK to you so far. No matter what you write down here, your behaviors revert over and over. I hope you are realizing how you have NOT been doing what you need to do OR what you say you will do. Period. I can't say why b/c you SAY all the right things and then you DO the wrong things...on the same post I see a 180 from your 180, which is ZERO movement...I realize you posted the updates and then updated them again, as in as of TODAY..but if you think you will notice significant changes in your w's behavior any time soon, DON'T. You won't. It will take TIME and when you say you are working on being patient, then stop the expectations, (see below)

2. Back off - Reduce amount of initiating contact with W. Don't always answer her phone calls immediately. Do always answer her text messages right away. Don't jump to hang out with her all of the time.

3. Continue to show W new me - Continue to listen and validate W. Continue to be attentive and loving. Without telling her that I love her. Continue to actually actively listen to what W talks about. Continue to be fun to be around... be in a good mood... don't be a downer... be available to W and SS, but not too available. If needed, fake it till I make it. Act AS IF.

4. Do not talk about OM. Do not bring it up. Ignore it. see #1. Under no circumstances talk negatively about OM. Do not put them on the same team. Do not put W in defensive posture about OM.

5. Do not talk about R unless W brings it up. And if she does, THEN do way more listening than talking. listen and validate, listen and validate.

6. Eliminate expectations. Don't be upset if W does not invite me to do things. do not be upset if she declines invites from me. If I do something nice for her, do it bc I want to, not bc I have an expectation of something or some reaction in return.

7. Do not be doormat - I am a doormat IF ... I do something that I do not want to do bc I believe W expects it or will be upset with me about if I don't do it. I am NOT a doormat if I CHOOSE to do or not do something bc it is what I WANT to do.

8. Lovingly detach to a degree - self protection mechanism. For numbers 1, 4 and 6. Focus, focus, focus. I cannot control my W, her decisions, her actions, thoughts or feelings. I control only me. BUT, I love my W without conditions... so accept what she does, feels and thinks with the knowledge that she is on her own journey. None of it can kill me... I will be okay regardless. AND, I do not have to stay in this unless I choose to. I have a parachute that I can use at any time.

9. Start to GAL again. My life cannot be all about my W and SS. GAL to make myself happy and to create some mystery about myself.

10. Be the better man. I am better than the OM... no question. But that is not what is most important. I must be better than the old me. Be focused on improving myself, how I react to things, how I live my life on a daily basis. Be happy.

11. Continue to create confusion in my W about her initial decision. When my W left, she was DONE. DBing has allowed me to get her to a point of confusion on that initial decision. This has, and continues to be, a good thing. I do this by continuing with my 180's and being the better man.

12. Be Patient. Patience is a virtue. I am learning it and it will be useful to me in the future regardless of how this turns out.

13. Time is still my friend. Even though I have been knocked down the mountain a bit, my W is still closer to reconciling than I ever thought that she would be back in November, December and January. I am still married and no paperwork has even been filed.

14. IF NEEDED - CLOSE THE GATES nicely and lovingly, and without being a martyr. I must continue being patient and giving this time. And I must take advantage of this time to show my W more of the new me... she has seen if for 3+ months. She needs to see more of it. BUT, the time may come when I need to take the new me away from her. When she must be forced to see what her life will be like without the NEW me... This conversation must be done nicely and with love. Merely that her indecision has gotten to the point that it is not fair to me, OM, or to SS. That I will now be taking myself out of the equation. That I will still be here if and when she decides that she wants to commit to me and M, but that I don't know for how long.

GREAT TO DO LIST ------------
BUT YOU HAVE TO DO IT, FOR GOOD. THIS IS THE NEW YOU- SO YOU CANNOT MEASURE AND CHECK FOR "RESULTS" ANYTIME SOON. THIS ISN'T A "TACTIC"...REMEMBER?
Brief update.

Contacted my W on Monday. Asked her how the dinner went with OM.

WHY, DEAR GOD, WHY DID YOU ASK HER ANYTHING ABOUT OM? THIS IS THE SAME OM YOU JUST SAID DOES NOT MATTER? THIS WAS THE "OLD" YOU? UM, OKAY...

She said a fine and a little weird. Not sure what she meant about weird bc then she went on to tell me that he received message while they were eating that his father had passed away.

Geez, you should spend a LOT of energy wondering what she meant by that word..."weird"...keep staring at it. Keep your focus on THAT and not on you or your new life...SO NOW can you see how you have been doing the opposite of what you have on your "to do" list?

I asked her how OM's father died. She explained that he had cancer and that he had been in a bad way for a while. She told me that she has never met any of OM's family and didn't know much about the situation. I told her that I felt badly that OM's dad had died and that she could pass along my condolences if she wanted to.

What?? I'm shaking my head. You are sooo...back and forth, no wonder she doesn't trust the "changes"...


We chit chatted ----

I went to W's house with some dinner. We hung out for about an hour. I acted as if I was completely fine and cheerful. No more talk of OM or R.



Today - I began new approach to situation as described above. I did not initiate contact with W. W texted me to ask me about some mother's day plans that I made for us and her mom. I did not respond to the text. 8 minutes later she called... I ignored the call.

I went to the gym. When I left, I noticed that she had texted me again, 'call when you can'.

On my way home, I called W back and acted as if I was cheerful.

Welcome to the Drama Club of DBing...trust me, we all know it's hard. I should win an Oscar for how I sounded on the phone. At least a dozen times I had prayed or had a DB session moments before h called and he said "you sound great!" I wasn't "great" at all. I was faking it til I made it and you know, it worked. Seriously, the more upbeat I was, the more h wanted to hear about things with the kids and fun stuff at home..."sunny and warm HERE..." which contrasted with the life he had started to create for himself. After a long LONG time, he sensed that I was nearly detached totally. And he woke up. Began calling daily, sometimes several times. Began asking me to join him, then said "begging" me to come up and then wanted to prove that he "could be the h I deserved", wanted a chance to become that h for me... he was very clear with his feelings. After several months of this, I said "yes we can try" and the piecing began. Being upbeat was the opposite of how I felt, but it was also what worked.


W told me that she had to change the mother's day plans that I had made bc her brother, who is in town from Korea this week, wanted to do it later. She said that is why she was trying to get a hold of me. She did not ask where I was during the 2 hours that she could not get hold of me.

So what?? Don't monitor her reactions now. You're a long way from the time you need to do that. Can you just be the new you and NOT monitor or check on anything, for say, 100 days? Can you commit to not checking over your shoulders for that long? I think you may need to renew that in 100 days but at least do it for that long without monitoring. The monitoring sort of negates a lot of the forward progress. 100 days... It's not that long. But it's a minimum if you want her to notice AND trust the changes AND you need to stop the monitoring anyhow, for your sanity. Won't it be great when SHE reacts in a new positive way and makes you notice it, instead of you having her behavior under the microscope 24/7??

Do your "to do" list and stay at it. It's a great action plan for living well. If you do it, there's no way you'll have regrets. You have clarity now. So all you need is the diligence to follow it. Be a little brave and stick to it. The pursuing and obsessing has harmed your cause, so don't keep doing what doesn't work. You're smart enough to know this now. You can make your list a bit shorter/briefer and carry it around with you if you like. I did. I taped some music for my "theme" song and kept myself motivated with all the gimmicky ways I could. It helped. It worked. That's all that matters.