OnMyWay: to who knows where?

[AJM80]

That really is some chutzpah. I'd be pissed if H signed up for anything regarding the house at this point. Well handled. sounds like she may be testing the waters a little, seeing how you react.

[Starsky309]

I'm a little confused. WHOSE house is it that she set this new tv/internet service up at? Yours? (she said "when i'm over here").

I'm always suspicious when a wayward spouse puts the internet service in their name. Will you still have access to a detailed copy of the bill?

Starsky

[sparks14]

Hi- I got behind on your posts and have been letting them sort of simmer. I think you're right about a lot of things, doing a lot of good things, and I have been right there with you on that flip between was/lbs. It means your stuff is working, she's questioning her choices, pursuing you a little, and starting to be a better wife/mother! When H started doing this, I felt extremely proud and you should too.

OMW - I had to catch back up on your posts tonight. I don't know how I missed the point that AJ picked up on. A good DB often causes a flip between WAS and LBS. I think it is good to get to a point where you realize that your life will be positive with or without your WAS. It is true that a good DBing LBS often gets to the point that he makes the decision to leave the WAS, because they feel it is the best thing for themselves. In the end, it is your decision. Is it best for you?

I will journal shortly about our last couples therapy session that I feel was a small breakthrough. In short, my W asked me what a relationship would look like for us in the future. It is the first time in months that she has brought up anything that relates to a future with us intact. During this discussion, my W asked a number of questions to me that I will have a hard time answering. They range from her concerns over family issues to sex. In the end, I too had questions on whether or not this was going to be an acceptable relationship for me. Whether or not my W was willing to put the work into building a healthy M. I think we are going to start making some definite lead way in our upcoming sessions, as we begin to discuss these concerns. In the end, will I be willing to commit to a M with these considerations? We will see.

You are making awesome strides here. Looking forward to keeping up with your progress.

[OnMyWay]

Had a nice weekend with D in So. Cal. Saw some old friends.

In a text exchange with WAW, she asked if I informed them of our sitch. I said I had and that they were in shock over it. She was sad. I just felt another little part of us die. She said she wished she could've seen them. I told her, maybe next time.

I've spent so much time GAL and detaching, how do I know when it is time to turn up the heat and start moving back towards the R? Or do I bother? I guess I don't, as it must be her decision to come back. I think I am just so focused on DBing, I have a "goal" in mind which I must further remove myself from and realize/accept that this is over - do it for myself.

W took the opportunity over the past couple of weeks to "test" the waters and I wasn't very responsive. She's not someone to force herself - she always takes the easy route. Last week wasn't easy. Now, I can feel she's fallen back quite a bit. Is this a good thing? Especially after this past weekend. When D & I leave, I think she feels shut out. She's been cold to me lately and I think it is because of this weekend - she's getting tired of the D & I living the good life together. Normally I wouldn't care, but if I want to remain open to the potential of R, do I need to keep her a little closer to the fire? She hasn't had on her happy face lately.

Or, do I continue to shut her out? Her TV move last week: I'll end up paying for that, even though it's less $$$. Perhaps I should take charge and cancel the whole thing? Or, will she spend more time here watching TV - which might be either good or bad?

Can't wait for her Thursday counseling. I think things will begin to change for her after that. I ready for a change, either way.

[OnMyWay]

Just got a call from a Dad of my D's friend. He and his W have been having problems. She had moved in with her mother about a month ago. This weekend, she took off out of state with this guy's BFF. She was suppose to come back, but missed the flight and ends up missing out on her D's school talent show. They were such a nice family, too. WTH is the matter with WAS to do such stupid sh!t?

Just spent an hour on the phone with him. Tried to put him on the path. Poor b@st@rd. He's unemployed and trying to juggle a family of three girls. I feel for him, knowing full well what he's about to go through. He's just getting started.

[OnMyWay]

Back to the old routine. Definitely lost some ground over the weekend. WAW showed up to watch the D. She was rather indifferent for the first time. Perhaps she detaching. Wants some alone time with D this weekend, which will be nice for them both. Hmmm. I'm not feeling good about where I'm at right now. Wish I could go back to So. Cal.

[ninelives]

OMW, doesnt really sound like you have detached. It looks like you are doing temp checks on a regular basis. When you trully detach, you are indifferent and IF she comes back, then you make your decision.

When my W left the first time, I always knew she would come back or at least a part of me did. This time , I am not at all sure and am pretty sure she will not. AT least not in the near future.

I thinkn you have to decide what you really want and if you really want to detach or just "pretend to"

Just my two cents.

9

[AJM80]

OMW - I've found that there is sort of a post vacation hangover when you come back to the uncertainty and issues of your relationship. I've also noticed that as I got through some of my early goals, I had forgotten to make new, next step goals. Sounds like you're putting a lot of weight on this week's counseling session - maybe make some smaller goals.

I also agree with your description of part of your relationship dying everytime someone else finds out. I've stopped mostly telling people, H still does sometimes and it really hurts me when it gets back to me.

I'd let the TV thing go, unless you see the cancelation policy and aren't ready to commit to it long term. if she did a 2 yr deal or something, you may not live there, right?

Coach Chuck told me that it is important not to make it easier/cheapen yourself for WAS - she needs to face the full impact of what she did and decide that you are worth it, without any discounts by you to entice her back. Keep working on yourself so that she's more attracted, keep being nice (not pursuing, but nice like you'd be to random people you know), and occassionally do your 180s - be more appreciative, or thoughtful, or open, etc - whatever you've identified.

[OnMyWay]

Coach Chuck told me that it is important not to make it easier/cheapen yourself for WAS - she needs to face the full impact of what she did and decide that you are worth it, without any discounts by you to entice her back. Keep working on yourself so that she's more attracted, keep being nice (not pursuing, but nice like you'd be to random people you know), and occassionally do your 180s - be more appreciative, or thoughtful, or open, etc - whatever you've identified.

Thanks AJ, that's good advise. Thanks for putting me back on the path.

[OnMyWay]

After AJM80 & 9's 2x4, I got back to my old self and remembered how much fun DBing can be when I'm at my prime. And I got an earful tonight!

WAW was over when I got home. I didn't feel like cooking and I didn't have any groceries anyway, so I decided we would go out to eat and invited W along. She accepted. Then, it started:

First she pointed out there was a stain on my shirt. Then she complained I'm spoiling my D. She complained I take D to all the good movies. She complained she wants to take D to movies, but doesn't have any money. She complained D & I are too buddy-buddy and I'm too soft as a parent. She complained about what I post on facebook that D can see. Etc., Etc., Etc. I actually rather enjoyed myself. It was all funny to me.

When we got home, she put D to bed, then asked about our D's friends parents and their sitch, which I tell her, and is then critical of me for making assumptions about them based on our sitch. I explained I wasn't basing it on our sitch at all, but on the body of research I have done on the topic because of our sitch. She got snippy at which point, I spoke up and said, "Well, you have leave to go study and I have to get back to the work I was doing, so I'll excuse myself. Have a good night." I'm just not gonna put up with her constant critique and negativity.

She was obviously offended and got up to walk out. As she left, she did something unexpected. She said, "I'm sorry you hate me so much." I was actually caught off guard. I informed her I most certainly do not hate her and I was sorry she feels that way, but I wasn't about to sit around arguing with her over topics that are insignificant and listening to her being constantly critical of me. I did mess up at one point and asked her if the grass was greener now that she's gone. All she could say is she's a lot more calm now. Really? This is your calm? Ok. Glad your gone, then, jeez (I didn't say this, but I did think it. LOL). She did get in a "I miss my kid a lot more than I miss you" jab. Good on her.

Anyway, there'll be a lot for her to chew through if she wants. I did mention in a text volley after that I was sorry she felt I hate her, when I do not and that this is still not what I want, etc., etc. and that I am simply moving boldly forward with my life, with or with out her. She said I sounded like a Star Trek episode.

I think the topic of the other couple and some choices the other WAW is making strike a little too close to home. She seems fixed on some sort of idea that is must be all the H's fault and he has driven her to do these things. I think she is drawing the comparisons to our sitch and not liking what she is seeing and is blaming me as if I am pointing out these comparisons. That's for her to figure out, not my problem.

As for me? I going to bed with a clean conscious. I feel good again. Tomorrow is a new day!