The Roller Coaster Keeps on Rolling

[Denver_2010]

Strategy moving forward... refocusing.

I had a conversation with a good friend of mine who is familiar with DB. He/she was very helpful in getting myself refocused. This may be a bit stream of conscience, so I apologize. The purpose is to get this straight in my head and have it in writing so that I can refer to it.

1. OM does not matter. He wins if I let him. That means if I let his presence in my situation get to me, he wins. I cannot show W that I am bothered if she tells me that she has or is going to have contact with OM. I cannot control whether or not W chooses to have contact with him. I need to accept that. He wins ONLY IF I LET HIM.

2. Back off - Reduce amount of initiating contact with W. Don't always answer her phone calls immediately. Do always answer her text messages right away. Don't jump to hang out with her all of the time.

3. Continue to show W new me - Continue to listen and validate W. Continue to be attentive and loving. Without telling her that I love her. Continue to actually actively listen to what W talks about. Continue to be fun to be around... be in a good mood... don't be a downer... be available to W and SS, but not too available. If needed, fake it till I make it. Act AS IF.

4. Do not talk about OM. Do not bring it up. Ignore it. see #1. Under no circumstances talk negatively about OM. Do not put them on the same team. Do not put W in defensive posture about OM.

5. Do not talk about R unless W brings it up. And if she does, THEN do way more listening than talking. listen and validate, listen and validate.

6. Eliminate expectations. Don't be upset if W does not invite me to do things. do not be upset if she declines invites from me. If I do something nice for her, do it bc I want to, not bc I have an expectation of something or some reaction in return.

7. Do not be doormat - I am a doormat IF ... I do something that I do not want to do bc I believe W expects it or will be upset with me about if I don't do it. I am NOT a doormat if I CHOOSE to do or not do something bc it is what I WANT to do.

8. Lovingly detach to a degree - self protection mechanism. For numbers 1, 4 and 6. Focus, focus, focus. I cannot control my W, her decisions, her actions, thoughts or feelings. I control only me. BUT, I love my W without conditions... so accept what she does, feels and thinks with the knowledge that she is on her own journey. None of it can kill me... I will be okay regardless. AND, I do not have to stay in this unless I choose to. I have a parachute that I can use at any time.

9. Start to GAL again. My life cannot be all about my W and SS. GAL to make myself happy and to create some mystery about myself.

10. Be the better man. I am better than the OM... no question. But that is not what is most important. I must be better than the old me. Be focused on improving myself, how I react to things, how I live my life on a daily basis. Be happy.

11. Continue to create confusion in my W about her initial decision. When my W left, she was DONE. DBing has allowed me to get her to a point of confusion on that initial decision. This has, and continues to be, a good thing. I do this by continuing with my 180's and being the better man.

12. Be Patient. Patience is a virtue. I am learning it and it will be useful to me in the future regardless of how this turns out.

13. Time is still my friend. Even though I have been knocked down the mountain a bit, my W is still closer to reconciling than I ever thought that she would be back in November, December and January. I am still married and no paperwork has even been filed.

14. IF NEEDED - CLOSE THE GATES nicely and lovingly, and without being a martyr. I must continue being patient and giving this time. And I must take advantage of this time to show my W more of the new me... she has seen if for 3+ months. She needs to see more of it. BUT, the time may come when I need to take the new me away from her. When she must be forced to see what her life will be like without the NEW me... This conversation must be done nicely and with love. Merely that her indecision has gotten to the point that it is not fair to me, OM, or to SS. That I will now be taking myself out of the equation. That I will still be here if and when she decides that she wants to commit to me and M, but that I don't know for how long.

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Brief update.

Contacted my W on Monday. Asked her how the dinner went with OM. She said a fine and a little weird. Not sure what she meant about weird bc then she went on to tell me that he received message while they were eating that his father had passed away. I asked her how OM's father died. She explained that he had cancer and that he had been in a bad way for a while. She told me that she has never met any of OM's family and didn't know much about the situation. I told her that I felt badly that OM's dad had died and that she could pass along my condolences if she wanted to.

We chit chatted a bit more about SS and his homework. I told her that I needed to finish up some science homework that he and I had been working on last week. She told me to call him later to see if he wanted to do it.

I called later. SS didn't want to do his homework (no surprise). W said that she was going to watch a movie with SS and then do some work. I offered to take her dinner. She accepted.

I went to W's house with some dinner. We hung out for about an hour. I acted as if I was completely fine and cheerful. No more talk of OM or R.

Today - I began new approach to situation as described above. I did not initiate contact with W. W texted me to ask me about some mother's day plans that I made for us and her mom. I did not respond to the text. 8 minutes later she called... I ignored the call.

I went to the gym. When I left, I noticed that she had texted me again, 'call when you can'.

On my way home, I called W back and acted as if I was cheerful.

W told me that she had to change the mother's day plans that I had made bc her brother, who is in town from Korea this week, wanted to do it later. She said that is why she was trying to get a hold of me. She did not ask where I was during the 2 hours that she could not get hold of me.

W then told me that she got news that one of her former students from when she was student teaching had committed suicide last night. She was upset about it, as was I bc I had met the girl.

W said that we'd talk more about the changes to our Mother's day plans.... 'if not tonight, then tomorrow.' I said okay.

We did not talk tonight.

BITS
Denver