My sons prayer.....

[RedNailPolish]

Thank you all for your response. Its so nice to come here and receive advice/support.

Cadet I have read all the info you put above. Been trawling this site for a few weeks before I could bring myself to start posting. Ive read heaps and I keep re-reading as I feel there is so much to learn.

Jack great observation. Shook me up abit as I didnt realise that this is how I was referring to our S. Its pretty negative of me. I dont know if this is how I generally communicate or only now that I feel H has abandoned us.

Just an update as to the events of last night....

H did come over to see our S. He text to say that he was running an hour late - text back and said no probs. Im learning not to get annoyed with this behaviour.

First thing I notice when he gets there is the baby seat is already in his car. Every other time he has had to pull it out of the boot and place it in the back of the car again - I believe this is because when he is with OW he doesnt want the reminder that we have a S. I thought that having the car seat in the car already was a good sign.

I told S to jump in the car and then H asked if I was going to come along. I asked whether he wanted me to, and he said he didnt mind, if I wanted to then yes. I was unsure but decided at that very moment to say yes and have a PMA.

Went to play aqua golf. Forgot to mention that I was looking great that evening, wearing a great dress with gorgeous boots. I was playing quite well too. H is quite a naturally gifted sportsman, as is my S - genetics obviously. But tonight H was playing badly - obviously felt awkward. I on the other hand was playing very well. Hitting the ball quite hard and far. H noticed and said that I was playing well. Also noticed that he was checking me out. Flirty look in his eyes.

I sensed that he was being very responsive towards me, a feeling I havent felt in over a month. He suggested we have something to eat as he was feeling hungry. So we got takeaway (McDonalds - yuck) I didnt eat anything as Im not into junk food any longer. Took S to play in the little play area. Sat on the floor and watched him play whilst H ordered food. Then he came and sat next to me. First a little away and then got closer and closer, in the end we were touching arms. We were having a great time playing with our S. S was trying to tackle his dad and dad was tickling him. S asked me to tickle dad so I did. H laughed and we continued our little game of tackling and tickling for a while. I could tell that H was having a great time and I saw him smile and laugh for the first time in 5 weeks. We also had lots of eye contact - again havent seen this for 5 weeks. Then he unexpectly leaned over and kissed my neck. It was very strange. It felt like he was showing me that he was having a great time and he really liked being there and being happy.

On the way home I commented on how much I like his new car. H said he wanted to show me what it could really do. I said Id like that. H suggested dropping S off at mums and taking a drive. I said yes but then when we got to the driveway I changed my mind and said that I had to put S to bed as it was already past his bedtime. H looked dissapointed. Looked a little upset and just gave me a peck on the cheek.

I instantly regretted doing this as soon as I walked in the house. I asked my mum if she would mind watching S as I had something I needed to do quite urgently.

I text H and asked if he was faraway. He said No and Why. I said i could meet him in 5mins. He said sure and we met up in a local park - a little bit like teenagers sneeking out.

H took me for a ride in the car - quite thrilling. Did go quite fast but I liked the way it felt. But even though we were breaking the law I felt safe with him - not sure if that makes sense. He's quite a big guy. Goes to the gym 2 times a day and he has always made me feel quite safe.

We ended up parking by the river. Got talking about his work and my work. Said I was doing well at my work and he said you always do well at your work, they all love you. Which they do. Im quite the superstar here - cant do anything wrong. Even though I have been a wreck here for the past month, my boss has said that "even at 50% you're still the best worker here". Thought that was very sweet. Boss also offered to pay for all my counselling - again very sweet. Plan to do that next week. Have loads of supportive friends here.

In the end one thing lead to another and H and I ended up ML. Then we got onto the topic of our R. I know I know I shouldnt have brought it up - but cant take it back now. Bugger!

It wasnt a bad chat but I could tell that he was still very unsure/confused - drrr he is still with OW afterall (although I dont have concrete evidence of this as I dont talk about her. But they did go on holiday together (yes another one) last week on Easter). He said that he was so happy and proud of all the changes he could see in me. Said I was looking HOT. I thanked him for his compliment. He also said that everytime he spent time with me and S that it felt right. But then he would go home and he liked the freedom and lack of responsibility. He liked that he could come and go as he pleased. This made me sad. But I said nothing.

I felt that things ended on a little bit of a sad note. He kissed me on the cheek at the end of the night. I felt bad about bringing up talk about R. So I text him to lighten the mood abit. I thanked him for a great nite. He replied with "like wise. take care of yourself babe. talk soon".

It wasnt a brilliant response but it was the first time I heard the word "babe" in a month. Thinking positive thougths again. That made me smile

I was resolved that I wouldnt have contact again for the next few days when he will pick up our S to sleepover. But he text me this morning to enquire about the present he gave our S. I said that S loved the present and that it was sweet of him to buy it. Also said that I apreaciated his effort and thoughfullness.

Goodness me, Ive got to learn to summarise more.......this is my first forum....sorry all.