I waited about an hour before responding to H's text last night telling me to "F off". I simply said "I'm glad to see you made it home safe. I'm going to bed now". I wasn't going to argue and I really was glad he made it home safe given the fact that he left our house drunk. He never responded.
I slept pretty well given everything that happened. I admit my mind kept going back to his statement "F me for thinking this could ever work". If he REALLY meant that then it was a good indication of how little he actually wanted to work. He didn't text, email, call or anything all day. I was curious but didn't contact him. I knew he HAD to come to the house at some point because he needed to go out of town tonight and his clothes and the suitcases were still here. Finally, about 4pm, he texted me and just stated matter of factly that he needed to go out of town and needed to come by and get clothes and the suitcase. I waited about 30 minutes and then responded with a simple OK.
When he came to the house, I was working in my office. I didn't get up because I thought he might choose to just grab his stuff and go. Refreshingly, he didn't do that. Instead, he came into my office, sat down, and we had a chat. He said that he needed to buy more DB counseling sessions because he knew he was still quite "broken" (as he puts it). He admitted it the whole argument was stupid and petty. He said he has realized he is a lot more "broken" than he thought. During his last DB counseling session, the counselor mentioned that he might choose to continue keeping his apartment so that he had a place to go when he experienced the anxiety attacks and/or had issues like the one last night. He said that he went to extend his lease today but found out his apartment had already been rented out. So he said he's now faced with either finding a new place and signing a new lease or trying to move back in completely. But he admitted that he doesn't feel he's ready. He's asked my opinion on this many times before. He may not realize it (because I'm smooth ), but I never answer him. I always let HIM make the decision. He said that he was feeling quite normal when he was still living on his own but that once he started staying over at the house more, things seemed to go backwards and he wasn't sure why. I gave my opinion.
His DB counselor mentioned to him (and she's spot on) that he is an "accomodator". He likes to make sure he does right by other people. But as a result, he doesn't do things for himself. He doesn't get what he wants. And he often doesn't even make it known what he wants. I told H that as I see it, when he is at his apartment by himself, he does as he wants. But when he comes to the house, he tends to do what he THINKS he needs to do to make D and I happy. H found this statement rather profound. I don't think he realized he did that but he totally agreed. As a silly example, I mentioned an event that happened the previous day. At lunch, both H and I were at the house. It has become my habit to eat lunch while watching something on the DVR. H was working and saw the show that I was watching, but said nothing. However, while under the effects of sake at dinner, he asked (kind of accusatorily) why I would watch that show without him. This surprised me because quite frankly, I've watched the whole season without him and didn't think he'd care. But clearly he did. And I mentioned that to him. I said, it would have been so easy to say "hey can you not watch that" or "can you wait and watch that with me when I have time" or something similar. But he didn't. He totally agreed with that.
In the end, nothing was decided about what he's going to do regarding his apartment. One way or the other, he has to be out of his current place by the 16th of May. I think he's right that he's not ready to move back completely. I don't like it, but he's right and that's what's best for him.
All in all it was a good chat. I was glad to see his insane rantings were just that and he wasn't really ready to give in the towel just that easy. However, I think he is finally starting to realize more and more that it is not US that needs to be "fixed" or "worked on". It's him. He said he's scared that if he takes too long to fix himself that there might be no "us" left. I agreed that's a possibility. But it doesn't change the facts.
As before, I keep taking it one day at a time.....
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
), but I never answer him. I always let HIM make the decision. He said that he was feeling quite normal when he was still living on his own but that once he started staying over at the house more, things seemed to go backwards and he wasn't sure why. I gave my opinion.