M exit strategy

[25yearsmlc]

Starsky, you had mentioned in my other thread about the safety of the kids.

While it concerns me greatly about the amount of time she leaves the kids alone on weekends, even over nights 'til... ? I don't know. Until she gets home the next morning...? I do trust that they will be physically OK. I am right here and always available if something were to go wrong. Both know how to get in touch with me if there was a real, safety problem.

I want to make sure I am clear here. Are you saying you leave your d's alone overnight? And they are 13 and 8? Are they both your d's? I ask b/c the timeline of the R and M seems short if they're your girls. I'm not sure it's legal to leave them alone that long, and as a parent I can't see it. Sorry. I'm not trying to judge but I find it alarming...seriously. If I were you I would volunteer to have the girls those nights. Period. Geez, if something were to happen one of those nights, how would you your soon to be ex, cope?

But emotionally...??? They will both be scarred from this. How severely, I don't know at this time. I will simply have to be the best dad I can.
I do find it interesting how there are certain questions that my W continues to not answer. Especially around the trust and honesty. As the alien shows up, she has trust issues, but she trusts me. She feels I've been dishonest, yet she believes my honesty. Obviously, W cannot answer questions that she remains confused on. As shows in the interesting outlook on love and our future.

Stop those questions. They are designed to get a specific reaction from her, not merely seeking information. That is manipulative and controlling and she knows it and you know it. You really have to Back off for real. My DB coach said once that "questions starting with the words 'Why do you' or 'How can you' are going to trigger defensiveness in the person hearing them." Keep that in mind. Be honest with yourself. Stop worrying about what she is doing in her life to work on herself. You have no control over that and it isn't your job to fix her. No offense but don't you have enough work to do on you?
good luck.

[~ kd ~]

Thanks Starsky and 25.

I hope for change in W's thoughts on M. And I hope for answers that I may never truly get. And I hope to see changes in W's behaviour... Everything I do regarding W is projecting my desires on her. I get that...

I was going to post here about some "things" that I observed. W's behaviour on phone call regarding paperwork she's anxious I get done and stuff regarding the kids and then an email telling me what I need to do (when and how) in that regard... And I want to have an emotion over them, but then... that's not detaching... that's "reading in" to her thoughts... trying to "control" her...

So I'll let it flow off my back. But it feels horrible.... It's the reasons I moved out and I'm still hyper sensitive to it...

I continue to thank you guys for the 2x4s...

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks Starsky and 25.

I hope for change in W's thoughts on M. And I hope for answers that I may never truly get. And I hope to see changes in W's behaviour... Everything I do regarding W is projecting my desires on her. I get that...

Really? You get that??...b/c ALL of this post is about HER AND what you want her to do or feel and you have NO control over that. Talk about structuring yourself for failure. Did you really read my post? My biggest regret is how much time I wasted focussing on h and mind reading, and NOT on ME or MY LIFE... Now, back to YOU...

I was going to post here about some "things" that I observed. W's behaviour

No more about your wife...just what are YOU doing for your 180s & GAL???

on phone call regarding paperwork she's anxious I get done and stuff regarding the kids and then an email telling me what I need to do (when and how) in that regard... And I want to have an emotion over them, but then... that's not detaching... that's "reading in" to her thoughts... trying to "control" her...
yes it is

So I'll let it flow off my back. But it feels horrible.... It's the reasons I moved out and I'm still hyper sensitive to it...

I continue to thank you guys for the 2x4s...

good luck. Hang in there. Do the DB work, it's works.

[~ kd ~]

Well. Happy almost birthday to me.

I will be here from time to time to keep up with others who are here. My story, while not done, will not be busted.

A few things happened here.

First, my landlord was told that he needs to do major work to the building and so I am out. That means my business is shutting down by the end of the week.

That also means that I will have to revert back to plan b, which is move to my folk's for a while as I sort through what to do next. Some possible opportunities coming up and one side project that might turn out decent. Will have to see.

My D13's boxing match from a while back was on our video camera. I asked D13 to borrow the camera so I could get the videos. I wasn't entirely shocked by what I found.

There was a bizarre confession that came about as W was being "interviewed" by SS16 om video. A candid conversation while SS16, W and D13 were watching tv late one night this past winter. About how W "cheated" on her boyfriend in school who happened to be the class president. Cheated on him with his best friend. As W put it "not one of my finest moment" and W and this president's friend went on to have a year long R after she broke up with the pres.

I have no idea how many other times that might have happened before our M. But I do know that before W and I became "officially" dating, W and I were seeing each other before she had left her past abusive R with D13's bio dad. It is obviously a pattern of behaviour. And obviously, truth be known, I was a willing and knowing participate as an OM prior to our M. My bad. I could have done things differently. I enabled W to continue her pattern.

The last video on the camera was of an early morning at her house with friends who had stayed the night. One of them was OM 35. The video contained, among other "light and funny" stuff with enabling friends of ours and OM 35, it caught W and OM 35 in an intimate moment on the couch.

There are some other comments made by W during this "ordeal" of me having to move out, as well as previous comments where W indicated that she was no longer "emotionally attached" to our M and my sitch and the kids, that strongly indicate W has made full commitment to R and future with OM 35.

In a normal world, infidelity or cheating is NOT acceptable in my world and without M and kids, I would have been out of here faster than you can say "WTF?"

Unfortunate that OM 35, whom I am (have been) good friends with in the past, who had his own very rocky and emotionally brutal D from his W who was a WAS would actually do this. *shrug*

Anyhow. This is closure for me. I have had a plan in the works to "find myself" again, just in case. I was moving down that path regardless. Now it is clear to me how the next 6 months at the least will play out. Mediation, figure out custody of kids, financial and M dissolution. And that is that.

I have in the past and will continue now in the future to work on myself to become a better person. No one can predict this kind of thing nor can we see the future and say this will never happen to me again. I sure as h3ll hope not but I will work on not letting this hurt my chances of a happy future with a new R and possibly M. And I will be the best dad I can for the kids. That goes without saying. And become better every day.

Good luck all. I believe in DB and hope you all find success and happiness.

[jbnati]

KD, I am sorry to hear about all that. However, I totally respect your viewpoint and decision.

[~ kd ~]

Thanks JB.

I really think that I am the crazy one in this sitch. I am certainly acting irrationally at times... I think... I don't know.

When I sent an email to W informing her that the business was done and I had to move away, W responded with the following (this is after I had the video camera and seen the clip and after W got it back from me):

~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Hey -

Well, I've been thinking all day about the next phase of your life ... and really have had to wrap my brain around the changes that you are going to endure over the next little while. I can only imagine what it must be like to be in your head right now .........

I am sorry that this has all happened. For me, I need to focus on the next steps for the kids. This is going to alter things a bit. I was going to work on my parenting plan this week, so I wanted to just run some of my thoughts by you - for what their worth.

I think you know by now that I am totally 100% supportive around making things good for the kids when it comes to being you. We both know that took me a bit to work out, but I am in a much better mind set now. I don't know what that means right now for you, because doing Sunday to Tuesday might prove to be a bit more difficult if you are living at your Mom and Dad's. Have you considered looking for a place to rent in (our home town)? You could use some of that money you have left to secure a home for at least 6 months while you go and find a secure job ..... there are quite a few places for rent right now, if you look around.

Let me know what your thoughts are on this and if we need to make changes in the days you have the kids."

~~~~~~~~~~

Then, regarding the video. There's more to the story over the video. It starts with me asking my D13 for the camera which she said was "ok" so I could get the videos. To W coming over to my place with an "odd aura" about her, indicating that D13 was upset because she wanted to put the video together for me for father's day (which is interesting as my b-day is in a few days and father's day is a month away) and then indicated that W would actually be hiring someone to put the video together for me...

Anyhow, I had already seen the clip but did not comment on it. Then my emotions got the better of me and I sent a text to W about how that clip was "funny" as per something our friend did. All she responded was "yes, he is funny".

Yes, I know it goes against principles I texted W last night simply saying (yes, I know it's wrong, but I did it) "I thought you might have had more to say about you and OM on the couch". (I'm sensitive because it is this OM that I found in my bed with W last october, under my covers, but fully clothed, with W).

Anyhow (and this is pretty much the same response W told me about the bed incidence), this is what W responded in email:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Subject: What you didn't see

Is me, OM 35 and (enabling) GF on the couch. Wow - you are so quick to judge. And I’m not going to defend my actions. There are my friends. I hang out with them. And I don’t need your permission or approval.

I don’t ask you what you are doing in your private life. I don’t watch you on FB and judge your behavior. I don’t come into your home without your knowledge and look through your things.

Do you know why? Because I’m done. As I’ve been telling you for the past 9 months.

I’m so sick of this. "

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I guess I deserve that. I have not responded to either of the emails. I need to take care of moving and other stuff for now. Then will deal with kid visits after that. And patiently wait for mediation and D, as best I can.

[Starsky309]

Then my emotions got the better of me and I sent a text to W about how that clip was "funny" as per something our friend did. All she responded was "yes, he is funny".

Yes, I know it goes against principles I texted W last night simply saying (yes, I know it's wrong, but I did it) "I thought you might have had more to say about you and OM on the couch". (I'm sensitive because it is this OM that I found in my bed with W last october, under my covers, but fully clothed, with W).

Anyhow (and this is pretty much the same response W told me about the bed incidence), this is what W responded in email:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Subject: What you didn't see

Is me, OM 35 and (enabling) GF on the couch. Wow - you are so quick to judge. And I’m not going to defend my actions. There are my friends. I hang out with them. And I don’t need your permission or approval.

I don’t ask you what you are doing in your private life. I don’t watch you on FB and judge your behavior. I don’t come into your home without your knowledge and look through your things.

Do you know why? Because I’m done. As I’ve been telling you for the past 9 months.

I’m so sick of this. "

Interesting. So after all this time, and all this reading and advice, there are things that you KNOW you shouldn't do, and yet you make a conscious decision to do them anyway, just cuz you feel like it.

How's that working out for you?

Starsky

[25yearsmlc]

ouch. I respect your decision. Try to maintain your dignity as much as possible, you won't regret it and you'll look better in the eyes of your children. They're all that matter now.

Later, when the dust settles, your soon to be ex w may see you in a different light but by then, well, who knows? It's not about her. And remember, your success in life is not to be measured by how miserable she is, but by how happy and fulfilled you are, in the new life you're creating.
Good luck

[~ kd ~]

Thanks 25...

I've sorta found my center today. Lots of thoughts running through my head. Things I would say. And I'm not saying any of it. Not to anyone involved.

And yes, my success is based on my positive contribution to the world, rather than feeling good at the expense of others.

[25yearsmlc]

not just your "positive contribution to the world" (you already earned your way here) but creating a life that is rewarding and fulfilling to YOU. Happiness for you, which is a good thing for the world. It's not selfish to actualize your potential and to be a happy man. It's healthy and moral.