Hey, thanks! I’m glad I’m back. I do need a place to think. Today, I’ve been all over the place on H. One minute, I’m thinking “he’s not unmanageable, just badly damaged.” The next minute, I’m thinking “I am so sick of his garbage I can’t believe I put up with it this long.” It occurred to me today that he may really be close to being done with the house and the idea of living with him again may have wigged me out unreasonably… or maybe very reasonably. You are so right that I’ve been at this for a long time and closure would be a welcome relief.
I am not going to an IC. I’ve tried it a few times, but always end up feeling like I’m just wasting time. I get more real revelations about myself, just by reading my own journaling and rants.
Nonetheless, z is doing a pretty good job of taking care of herself. I joined a women’s club at the beginning of the year, which has me doing something most weekends with some fabulous ladies. In fact, I’m hosting a party for them soon. I also joined a Jane Austen book club that I may ditch, because it’s not a priority. I’m active with a couple of charity walks right now, though I’m going to give both of those up after June and just focus on raising awareness for one of the charities. (Ever heard of Sjögren’s Syndrome?)
My Sjögren’s isn’t under control, but I’m trying lots of pills for it, and haven’t had a full blown sinus infection in months. Hallelujah! I decided to give up running and take up yoga again… just started last night so I’ll have to let you know how that goes. Tonight I get my Krav Maga DVD set, so I’m really excited to start hitting cushions. Next week I have my first of five sailing classes. I’d like to go back to studying Italian and the piano again, but that silly day job is in the way.
For the past three months, I have had my cousin living with me, though she’s probably leaving soon. Bummer. H probably blames her for putting the D idea in my head, which couldn’t be further from the truth, but suits his need for isolation. Anyway, my cousin actually thinks H is pretty awesome and reminds me of all of the things I ought to appreciate about him. She even thinks his conspiracy theories are fascinating rather than scary, but then he’s not making conspiracy theory decisions about her life. It could be said that living with someone who likes and respects me hasn’t reflected well on my H. It’s been really super having someone around when I get home in the evening, who likes the same things I like, who doesn’t criticize me, who can have philosophical discussions without judgment, and refreshingly engages in interactive discussions that require thought. She’s a writer, and I really have a lot of fun talking through plots and motivations with her. She doesn’t go for all of my ideas, but she clearly thinks about them. It’s so nice to have my ideas heard and appreciated.
One of my girlfriends just posted on FB that her D is final today. She’s having a party to celebrate. Her other friends are all congratulating her. I can’t imagine congratulating someone on their divorce. Don’t get me wrong, I know she wanted it and maybe it’s the greatest thing that ever happens to her, but it’s like popping champagne over a casket.
I’m glad I’m back. I do need a place to think.