I need someone to hollar back at me... is it just me? I am married to a Good man... God fearing, great with my son (we don't have kids together) and hard working. Sounds good right? I met this man in 1997. I had been divorced for 9 years from my first husband who slept with everything and anybody. I have two children from my first marriage. Now 25 and 15. The 25 lives away from home and the 15 is home with me and my now husband. Before I got re-married to my 2nd husband we shared a list of things that is at the outmost importance in our marriage. I told him I need a man who would enjoy socializing with me as I work in the political field, and one who loves to travel and go places, and who is serious about working on his health because I am serious about my health and I an active. I also said it was very important to have a man that loves to go to church. He said he agrees and that he wants these things as well. So, we got engaged after three months and married after a year. Within that year we took nearby trips (within 200 miles) and did some outings. It was fun! Then after the marriage, one month later, everything changed. He broke everyone one of the rules. I found myself always going places alone, and traveling alone even to Europe. It wasn't until four years later I found out he is afraid to fly. He never mentioned it, he just kept making excuses for not traveling. Months and years went by and every week I argued the same four points over and over again. Socializing with me... travel with me... exercise with me... go to church with me.... Its five years later and things has only gotten worst. Oh, along the way he kept saying he will work on these things and I kept giving him time and chances. I kept hoping and he kept making promises. All he wants to do is sit at home and watch t.v. I love the outdoors. I love to go hiking! I love walking. I love traveling. Now, I find my self home and not excersing or hiking and barely traveling. I have come to the end of my rope. The biggest problem for me is after two years of marriage and all that time of arguing about how he should work on his health, my husband has now developed Diabetes and High blood pressure. He is on meds. and now the meds has affected him sexually. That started three years ago. He is very very sensitive and now whenever he attempts to make love he becomes the one minute man. I have went thru some major health changes. I had weight loss surgery to help me with my weight. My husband is 350 lbs and 6'5. He kept saying he will work on his weight but in the last five years nothing has happened but a decreasing health. I have always been a faithful women but lately I have found myself wanting to look elsewhere for satisfaction. I can't take it anymore. I am so frustrated. My husband does not really understand how I feel. After his one minute love session, that is it for the night. I am left without. The next day he is singing and dancing,and I am dying in side from frustration. He says he understands but I doubt it. I have met many men who are wanting to be with me and sexually go there. I am trying to be patient with this but it is killing me. I said maybe I need to take a break from my husband, but I fear the confusion this will cause in my son's life. Help! I can't take this anymore.
I don't think anyone will holler at you...more likely they'd like to holler at your h.
before you married you set up a list of what you wanted and he agreed..he didn't live up to those things..you've stuck it out..you've even changed your life to accomodate him (stop doing that! you'll feel much better about yourself if you get back to being you) he should do the same.
I am so confused. I have many single friends with no one in there lives. I don't want to be alone, though I am a social person and meet a lot of quality men. I am so angry because I thought when I got married that I would be here for the rest of my life. I didn't want to go through the changes of separation and divorce and worrying about 'his welfare.' I quess I need to ask myself to what extent am I willing to find that person I am looking for?
Very sorry to hear your story. My mother, married 8 times...has gone through this cycle.
We men can be very goal driven and will lie our butt off to get what we want. I have often said if you quickly turn-off the light and back one again, you will see all the men in the room with their noses up like the real pigs they are. You see before the light turns on, they push their noses down to look like normal humans women want us to be. But really all men are pigs.
Now from the oinking section, this is what happened. Your dream man, knew what you wanted, you told him what you wanted him to be. So he became what you wanted to get you. Instead, you need to hold your desires inside, and observe through experience and his initiate the actions and behaviors that you want.
If he doesn't do it on his own, it's not inside of him.
Now I'm not past a little encouragement and push, but only to keep him going, once he's gotten himself started.
I'm very sorry for you. You need to make a stand, write down in a 'to do' list that you need changed, by when, or you will leave him. And make a list of the exact things you will be leaving him for.
Now as for the loving department. A man will not make love or even be passionate with his mother, or babysitter. Don't let yourself become that.
You need to make love to him. He may be a one-minute man. But unless you want him to get better by self-pleasuring himself or using someone else....you are the teacher and practice pal.
There is nothing more exciting for a man than his wife to be actively involved in his orgasm. Leading, teaching, experimenting, showing him what to do to you to get you off. Push his hands or head/mouth to your chest, belly, pubic area. Tell him what you want is a sexy come hither voice. Everything very positive. Be excited at his performance....it will get better.
Meds are a crap excuse for no sex. Sex is a lot more than an erection. As a woman you should know that and it's your job to teach that to him.
It sucks that you don't have the man to rapture you away sexually, but you will have to become the learnered one, get a book, talk to those other people, learn and use him to experiment. Think of him as a 16 year old young man....they are minute men too. You need to teach him. Get a sex teaching video for women...you will see what men want. A women that is very into the session and them.
However, when only one person is working, the reality is "Don't tell me, Don't promise....just do it!"
And many of the complaining persons are not very action oriented. The other person really doesn't know how much trouble or what a big deal this is....
as a man, I can tell you, the other person isn't really listening until you lay it on the line.
I wish, really deeply wish, the non complaining person read and understood the needs. But they don't and I am finding they don't change, until truly forced....
ok, so you are suggesting imediate implication of the last resort technique as the only way to get through to a man?
let's say the "complaining" spouse does give the list of needed change by x time or else d is iminent. now let's say the "other" spouse makes the changes...the thread of d is removed and they then fall back to the way they were...what then? how many times can one use the last resort before it is seen as just another bit of nagging and wont be followed through with?
not saying that the lrt wont work...just saying that it may be wise to try some other things first before going there.
so misfit,
what are the things that you are missing in life asside from a lover (and know that you are not the only woman in that boat).
I noticed you say you've stopped doing alot of the things you liked to do...can you start doing some of them again? without asking h to join you? who knows he might wonder what your up to and want to come along.
Thanks. Yes, I have tried that, all of it. He is a wonderful lover when he use to last more than one minute. That was over three years ago. He says he is very, very sensitive to my touch. And he is right, We have tried prolonging foreplay, oral this and that and the other thing, and the result is he will ejaculate without me. So, then I am left totally out! Even if we kiss, which kissing is not something I do with him too often because it will make him also ejaculate without me.
LL, I had stopped my hobbies one time before and then came up with the idea that if I started back doing the things I like then he would have to wonder with whom and where I am doing it. He whined about it, claim he will try to do more with me and then changes my agenda by wanting me to do only those things he likes to do... riding in the car. I thought to myself, okay, we will do it his way, we will ride in the car, and go to his favorite bbq place and I worked up a major excitement about it and you know what happens, when we get to the restaurant he wants to eat in the car! I believe he has social phobia. I finally told him that I was going to find someone to satisfy me and do things with me and he can handle himself the way he wants to. That bothered him but he is not concerned anymore because I haven't really been going anywhere, yet. I can't just sleep with someone I am not attracted to, so I am meeting people and if someone should fall in to that category, I am there. I am hurt because I believe now the realization is that this is the way my husband is, and only one thing or the other will happen, either I conform to the couch potato non-active spouse he wants in which I will die in side or I will be going through the hell of tearing my family apart.
Hilljohn, I am trying not to believe that he lied to me to get what he wanted... I have always felt that way inside. He doesn't realize he is stealing my life. What do you think he is thinking now?
if your h has issue with you going to church, for a walk or bike ride or hike or out to dinner (getting out of the car) etc without him that is HIS issue. You make it YOUR issue by giving up those things that make you happy. You did those things before you met him and they made you happy..you intended to include him in those things and he has renegged on that. So go...go do those things...of course that does not mean go out and find some other guy to do them with and making threats like that isn't really going to get you anywhere but in a position where you will definately be without him totally.
so make a deal with him..if he likes riding in the car...once a week (or more) go for a ride with him..or do something that he is willing to do...find something to do that is more active even if only mentally (like a cards or a board game) at home with him another night and then plan to have time when you can go to church or do the active things you like to do..if he wants to join you fine if not let him know these are things you want/need to do for you and your happiness, that you'd like him to join you but if he wont that's his choice your going anyway. It's not like your asking your h to go sky diving.
