The Roller Coaster Keeps on Rolling

[Denver_2010]

Ahhh no, not exactly.

Having him over for dinner and being upfront about it, sort of flys in the face of what she had previously told you.

"Cake eating" I actually despise the term. It is an individual definition with individual parameters. Much like "door mat". These are personal definitions. You define them for yourself, what you are capable of handling, tolerating, suckking up. Much like family and friends advising you. What you would tolerate I might not, what Country might tolerate you might not.

As for the dinner because of a dying father. Let me be the blunt asss in the room. What's next, when the man dies? After that, his dog ran away? He lost his job?

In the future.

IN the FUTURE.

In her life if you are her husband, he is not her friend.
If he is her friend, then you aren't married.

Totally agree Jack. But how is she going to get to a point of committing to our M when she has feelings for OM that we ALL know she isn't dealing with properly?

And how does she GET that she isn't going to be able to deal with these feelings for OM while she continues contact with him?

I can't tell her that. Her family can't tell her that. She is going to do what she feels like doing right now. Do the detriment of me, SS and our M.

How???? That is my number 1 question. If someone could give me an answer... I could quit driving myself f'ing nuts.

Could I be patient with her confusion, with her indecision? YES, if she understood that contact with OM is only making things worse. Hell, I might be able to continue being patient if she cut off contact with me in order to deal with her feelings for OM.

Exactly what I am saying above. But my W is not committed to making our M work right now. In her words, she just wants to do whatever makes her happy at any given moment right now. She enjoys spending time with me, enjoys talking with me... if she feels like doing that, she going to. But that obviously applies to OM, or anyone else for that matter, too.

[quote=Jack_Three_Beans]That is your boundary.

In the here and now?

It might not be in your best interest to establish THAT bounary, right now.

Not unless I go with the Last, last resort technique and am prepared to end my M. And I will be honest, when I was rereading DR yesterday, I considered that.

ONe thing that I don't know if I've mentioned in my previous updates, I asked W how she would feel if I began dating... she said that she'd 'never f'ing talk to [me] again'...

When I mentioned that I was on the phone with a 'friend' for 2 hours on Sunday night... she said, 'I love how you are being so vague about who you were talking to'...

See... W has set boundaries on me... yet I am expected to let her do whatever the hell she wants to do.

Am I whining when I say that that is not fair?! Do I deserve that? Even with my admitted crappy behavior during our M?

She doesn't trust you; yet.

This is the only statement that I find any solace in. Bc I believe that it is a true statement of how she feels. She has acknowledged my changes time and time again. She has stated that she believe that they are for real.

BUT, she has also said that she worries that things will go back to the way that they were if she comes home. She has told me 2 or 3 times when she has noticed behavior that has reminded her of how I used to behave. Nothing huge. For example... I was a little upset about our R talk on Friday night. As we were walking back to the car, I walked a few feet in front of her and was silent. She called me on it. Said that 'this is something that I don't like about us' and then when on to explain what she was seeing. She was right. I validated and told her that i was just upset. Then I did something that is NOT the old me... I was able to recover and enjoy the rest of the evening.

But it is this distrust in my changes that scares her. She is scared to death of me emotionally.

My only solace and only rational basis for maintaining hope, IMO.

You're not at the point of being able to walk away without an angry stone heart. You'd be doing it to push her to a choice you want her to make rather than from the point that you truly are good with either choice. Do it too soon and you'll be dissapointed in her and angry.

A boundary once establish means your force them to make a choice AND you have to live with decision. It's an ultimatium.

I recognize that and am realize that I am not in a place to set this boundary... YET.

Starsky is correct in that many of them 'dumb down' the information they give you. Not being completely honest. From my own experience as a WAH I certainly did, as an LBS she certainly did it to me. 'Lies of ommission' are still lies.

I agree. I know this. I guess what I am saying is that I honestly don't believe that she is 'dumbing down' the physical piece. My W is simply not the type of person who can be physical with someone when she is not somewhat committed to them emotionally. Right now, she is emotionally committed to no one.

But is she dumbing down the emotional component of her conversations with OM? This is a serious concern of mine.

Everyone is saying, even me, "You or him" That's the truth.

However, I am asking you to determine the correct TIME of that statement and stance.

I see what you are doing as f-ing up her game plan. Screwing with her preconcieved notions of who and what Denver really is.

I think that this is true. And I think her noticing my f'ups and telling me that if I choose to walk away that it would say a lot about me and my feelings are evidence of that.

You're a work in progress Denver.

You'll admit; I hope, that you are addressing issues that you didn't like in yourself. Bettering yourself. I know you didn't come here for that, you came here to save your marriage. You improving yourself gives you that best chance.

This time, this HELL you find yourself in. This is the fire you refine yourself in. And she is watching. This time, and your actions, word, deeds and attitude during this time, will confirm or errode her fear and conceptions about you.

Well, I admit I'm not in a good place right now. I have done a pretty bang up job of acting 'as if' for the past 2 days though. I guess that's all I can do until I truly get back on track.

There will come a time, when you will say, "Him or me." Although I believe Grit had a much better way of saying it once. I'll keep it simple.

"Him or me." That stance that is adamant. No dickering. And from a place where you are capable of fullfilling your part of the ulitimatium. Where you mean it, where you'd like her in your life, but don't need her. After you have shown her what you are truely capable of. When you have shown her absolutley that you are not a trick, and that boundary is not a trick.

Has enough time passed yet Denver? Should she believe you?

I am not saying compete with f-nuts. I am saying use this time to destroy the guy you are REALLY competeing with: The Old Denver she left.

No... not enough time has passed. But I'm not sure that this justifies the backslide on her side.

Thanks Jack.

BITS
Denver