Standing for my live-in MLC'er/WAS

[angel61]

Our vacation back home

Ten days of happiness….. that about sums it all up.

In spite of all the tension, with me trying to get in all my reports at work done, not knowing if we were going to push through until 24 hours prior to the flight, everything went right. I finished everything in the office at 3PM, finished packing early, had time to buy gifts for the family, got to the airport in time! No major stressors.

We were traveling business class, courtesy of his mileage, so D12 was really happy and excited. We slept well, I watched Desperate Housewives (never watched it before and got hooked by the silliness, pettiness and brainless stories, just right for escaping my reality), the food was good, the flight was perfect.

When we got to our home country, it was heaven. All of H’s siblings and cousins took care of us. His younger brother met us, we went to visit his mom and dad, had massages, and joined some Good Friday activities. Next day we went to the family farm, the kids went swimming in the free flowing pool, the food was overflowing, the relatives let us stay in a new “casita” they built on the farm for “privacy”, which we did take advantage of (wink, wink)….

D had the time of her life. She was with her cousins. H’s siblings took us to beach resorts, restaurants, and spent for it all. We did not have to spend, or do an iota of work; we were served by maids and had drivers at our disposal.

H was his old self during our vacation - totally dependent on me for the packing, his clothes, what to wear, things which I felt he started change when he was looking to be independent. He also took charge of all the travel, food, made sure D and I were eating well and enjoying…..we were a family, whole again.

One of the biggest things during our trip was that he took me hunting with him….. And this is something that we have not done since we got married, but we did all the time before. It was one of the sore spots in our relationship – he felt that I did not approve of his hunting, it wasn’t really that, Its was just that I could not go because by then we had our baby, and I was more envious, had the sense of unfairness that he could go and I couldn’t, and I showed it too much.

I feel that he has made an internal decision to stay, and he acts a lot like it. He talks about the future, talks about our plans for more vacations, wanted to buy stuff for the house, all indicators of thoughts of us being together. I noticed that he did not try to call OW, although she did text him “Happy Easter to you and your family”. Darn.

I know he is watching me, seeing if my changes are real, if they will stay. We are comfortable with each other, although more so when there are other people with us. When it was just the two of us it seemed to be awkward. We only stayed within safe topics, nothing else, no R talk. I guess that is the way to go but it was so frustrating for me.

And this frustration is leading me to make mistakes.

Funny how it is, when you are in dire straits, you wish for anything, and you feel you would be happy if it were just anything less that what you have. I am sure many of you in these boards are at that point – just wishing that your spouse was with you, not apart, that you were on speaking terms. Not cold and distant. Not being threatened by divorce.

I was there sometime ago. And God, how I prayed!

And God did answer my prayers. I am in a better place now. But let me tell you, human nature is to be discontented. So here I am, arguing with H about small things, making mistakes.

The first backslide was when I took his cell phone and started asking leading questions about some pictures in it. There was a picture of an outlet store of a brand of jeans that OW likes, and I asked why he took a picture of it. He saw through me right away and asked me why I was asking those questions. Then he said that I should not rock the boat, since we now are at least talking to each other. What I did not like was that he said I was always trying to put him down. That made me write an email to him explaining that I am not putting him down; I am not judging him, only God can do that.

Then again, when we went home, I asked him what our expenses were and he was offended. I could not understand why, as I felt that I was just asking what was my right to know, as it is both our money. I ended up crying, feeling that after our beautiful vacation, he and I ruined it by having to argue.

While it is true that outwardly, I could really explain my words as though they were innocent, inside me I know they were brought about by my mistrust of him.

One thing though, I see that he too is trying. After all of these backsliding, he does not seem to get angry after the incident. I speak to him, and he looks at me, he smiles, he calls. I sense him doing his best to put things behind, to not rock the boat, as he says. Just him saying that lets me know he wants things to be better. But is it for good? Is it too soon for him to know? Is he just testing to see if we culd still work out?

So, have I really changed? How does one learn to trust again once it has been broken? When we don’t even talk about it, but just both know it is needed? When I have not even heard the words I need to hear, the apology? True, I have his actions to reassure me, but I am always looking for something else. Expectations rise, I have to quell them. I know, I know, I can almost hear you all….. patience, patience.

I struggle….. the crisis has been averted, our journey goes on, but new challenges arise. And many of them within myself.

I understand more and more everything that people have written about here in these boards, that I have read before.