I know exactly what you are talking about with the worries about the OW. Yes, I've wondered about all of those things and I've asked him those questions before. He has spent ALOT of time at our house the last 2 weeks and I was hoping that he was done with her, but it's very obvious that he isn't and that is what set me back tonight.
He asks the same questions. He's afraid that all of my changes will go to the wayside if he comes back and he says that he cannot bear to live that way again. I have validated and told him that I understand how he feels, but I honestly think it has more to do with the OW than he will admit. I know the reasons that he has given me for leaving and he says that OW has nothing to do with it, but as you said "if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck..."
I guess all that I can do is to get back on my horse and just apologize for tonight, but I don't know if that is going to work as I told him that I need more than he can give and that I'm just done with all of the pain. Won't it make me look fickle if I don't stick with it??
Me: 31 H: 30 Kids: D9 Together almost 12 years Married almost 5 years EA began: 8/10 Separated: 3/11
It seems so counter-intuitive doesn't it??? You would think since this is someone who married you and loves you and committed to spending their lives with you for better or worse (etc, etc), that just saying you're sorry and that you'll never do it again would be enough. But all the vets and the other threads will show you that talking about it DOES NOT work.
Based on my DB coaching sessions, I need to drop ALL R talk unless W initiates it, and even then I need to back off anything I say that might put expectations or pressure on her. And as you probably read, that's my biggest F up so far. But that being said, maintaining the connection is still important too. I told CountrySong tonight that it's like trying to run a marathon on a tightrope.
You'll hear a lot of people say it's not about what you feel should work, it's about doing the work that gets the right results...do what works.
BITS M: 35 W: 27 T 7.5 years M 5 years No kids My EA: 3/08 Her EA: 1/11, discovered 3/11 (ongoing?) ILYBINILY, D mentioned 3/8/11 W at parents house: 4/16/11
Yes it does seem counter intuitive and maybe that's the reason that it works for so many people. My biggest problem is that when I screw up, I feel like I've just lost everything and I think "what's the point". I'm trying to work on that, but it's really hard!!
I've been following CountrySong for awhile. It's amazing how alike our situations are. I just hope that we can all find our rainbow at the end of the tunnel.
I'm going to attempt to go to bed now and hopefully I'll be in a better frame of mind tomorrow. Thanks for the ear Moose! I'll keep an eye on your sitch and give you any advice that I can!
Me: 31 H: 30 Kids: D9 Together almost 12 years Married almost 5 years EA began: 8/10 Separated: 3/11
Yeah, bed is sounding good...hopefully I can get some sleep. W has to come over early tomorrow to pick up some mail she needs at school, so that might be interesting. Gotta remember to keep my mouth shut and let her talk. Hate feeling like I'm giving up even more control, but I know I couldn't control her actions even if I wanted to, can only control mine.
Thanks for reading up on my story, and I'll definitely keep in touch.
BITS M: 35 W: 27 T 7.5 years M 5 years No kids My EA: 3/08 Her EA: 1/11, discovered 3/11 (ongoing?) ILYBINILY, D mentioned 3/8/11 W at parents house: 4/16/11
Ya know...after my crazy panic attack last night, I have spent alot of time thinking. I know that I should not have gotten into an R talk with my H last night. However, I realize that I panicked because he was panicked. I say that I want to detach, but I don't really. It's more of a scare tactic to him and that's not what DBing is about. Even though I shouldn't have talked to him about how I was feeling, my feelings are still valid and it is a definite LRT technique if I can stick with it and go dark this week.
I realized something this morning. I am driving myself crazy trying to "read" my H's mind. Why am I doing that?? I can't read his mind and I can't understand his actions, so I've just got to stop trying. Isn't that what detaching is about? Trying to completely ignore what the other person is doing? I can't make him come back, I can't make him give up the OW (although that is my fondest wish), and I can't make him think the way that I do. It's definitely a control thing. I want to control everything around me because I feel like my life is teetering on the brink.
My goal for this week is to go as dark with my H as I can and try to focus on what I really want. I've been doing that over the last little bit and that is why I thought it was best to tell my H where I was in my mind. But, I realize that he doesn't really care how I feel. He wants to eat cake while he figures out what he really wants. I just have to stop being the cake...right?
I love that I have this board that I can come too and journal my thoughts out and have others respond with excellent advice and support!
Me: 31 H: 30 Kids: D9 Together almost 12 years Married almost 5 years EA began: 8/10 Separated: 3/11
You can't beat yourself up so bad if you slip up. We all do it. The quicker you can accept it, learn from it, and move on the better.
The clearer our head, the better choices we will make. Getting down on yourself will create doubt, doubt will create panic, and panic will create mistakes.
Quote:
I realized something this morning. I am driving myself crazy trying to "read" my H's mind. Why am I doing that?? I can't read his mind and I can't understand his actions, so I've just got to stop trying.
Exactly!
Get the focus back on you.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
Thanks Country! I'm in a much clearer frame of mind today and I'm trying to remember that mistakes do not have to equal failure!
I went on a job interview today that I think went AWESOME! I will be doing sooo much better when I can get back to work. They have already told me that they will be bringing me back in for another interview. Please keep your fingers crossed that this will work out!!!
I was reading your sitch the other day and I'm sorry to hear about the turn it has taken, but you are doing really well with it. Now that I do not have to wait 2 days for things to post, I can comment on things
Me: 31 H: 30 Kids: D9 Together almost 12 years Married almost 5 years EA began: 8/10 Separated: 3/11
I went on a job interview today that I think went AWESOME! I will be doing sooo much better when I can get back to work. They have already told me that they will be bringing me back in for another interview. Please keep your fingers crossed that this will work out!!!
Fingers crossed!
I may have just missed it, but how old is your D?
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
My D is 9. She is an absolute riot, but at such a tender age. She's great and her daddy adores her!! That's why it is so hard for me to see their relationship in the stage that it's in and know that it is going to be there for awhile!
Your D is at one of my favorite ages. The toddler years are so precious!!!
Me: 31 H: 30 Kids: D9 Together almost 12 years Married almost 5 years EA began: 8/10 Separated: 3/11
Detachment is a place where the things that happen in the R don't make you go on crazy emotional roller coaster rides. It's not that you don't care. It's not that things don't impact you at all. It's just that you can deal with them better in a cool, calm and *detached* manner.
