Alcoholics and addicts often won't get help until they hit rock bottom. So long as you co-dependently shelter him from the consequences of his actions (i.e. like taking him back without setting boundaries about getting help with his addiction and reasonable behaviors) you are actually HELPING him stay addicted.
Now - that being said - you are not in charge of his addiction. He is. You don't have control over it, or over his behavior. The only thing you have control over is YOU.
If you don't have it already, get the book The Courage to Change. It's an Alanon book with little short readings - when you feel weak ust open up a page and read. It'll help.
Second - start to live your financial life now as if he's not coming back. he may or may not - but it's likely to take a while even if he does hit bottom and start to sober up. You need to financially protect yourself in the meantime. So I suggest the following:
1) If there is money in joint accounts, such as savings, consider taking half and putting it in your name alone. This will protect you from him cleaning out the accounts.
2) See an attorney for an initial consultation and find out what you would likely get in a divorce. I know you don't want to think that way but it may be necessary to start the process to protect yourself financially. Is he contributing to the house payments? Upkeep? paying on any credit card debts? Since you are unemployed, if you file right now you can get temporary spousal support most likely. Get copies of previous tax returns and bank statements ASAP, also any other evidence you may have of his true income (if he, like many construction guys, does work under the table).
If he's gonna come back, he'll come back regardless of whether you protect yourself financially or not. In fact, he may appreciate it if you protect half the assets from his drunken irresponsibility. So put your security first.
My H and I have completely seperate accounts. Mine in a bank and he has his burried in our yard and around the house as he went bankrupt in 2007 and refuses to use a bank account since out of fear of people taking past debts out. Crazy - I know.
When he left me back in '07 he had 20 grand or so and he dug it up and took it with him. This time around he has about 26 grand and dug it up and took it with him.
I am on unemployment as a laid off teacher and I have just enough in my accounts to get by.
We were allready legally seperated back in '07, and even though he returned to me for 3 years, I do believe the legal seperation would still count now, as we never renewed our vows.
Back then, my Lawyer told me I would probably get nothing out of him if he wanted a Divorce due to the nature of our work and accounts.
I feel pretty protected this time around. The house and my Jeep are in my name. Now all I need is a Job - and soon.
I bought the one day at a time book from alanon, and plan to also get the other book you mentioned at meeting tomorow.
H came in house tonight while I was gone to get some items. He didnt take any thing shared as far as I can see. What a relief, last time he took my Dog and lots of our nicest shared stuff.I was actually surprised he only took a few things to get by, not even a quarter of his wardrobe, and he left his drum set too which he loves.
Went bowling tonight, it was fun and helped me get mind off things and breath.
My dad said to me tonight: Honey, he just doesnt want to be with you right now, he doesnt know what he wants, let him go. It really struck home when my father said it, its like a switch went off in my head and I am starting to accept it all over again. Still dont really know about what to do with the "sober up or else Speach", if he did return (use it or not????). For now, I will be patient, I will stand, And I will focus on me. TIPPER
Not much I can add to the wise advice above. My H is PTSD and Alcoholic (which comes first, the chicken or the egg?) after serving in Iraq. Today I am going to court for the Divorce. It's been a 15 month long battle, but it's time for me to move on.
My only advice to add to you is distance yourself as much as possible from your H and his problems. Let him deal, and you heal. Time will tell all.
((HUGS))
ME: 54 Him: 51 M: 20 years T: 21 years OW/New wife: 36 Sons & Daughters: 7 (ages 24-36) Bomb: March 4, 2010 He Filed: April 28, 2010 I Contested: May 1, 2010 Standing Down: 11/24/10 Divorced : 05/04/2011
Thanks for your words of wisdom. I guess your right. The answers will only come with time. I am allready starting to feel a bit more grounded, alanon and reading helps me a lot. I just hate the crying and pain I cant seem to control within me.
I cant thank you guys enough for taking interest in my Sitch and checking in on me I really have needed it these past few days.
Today, I was invited over to my SisInLaw's to make a banner for my friends(h's cousin)wedding shower this weekend and it kept me busy, and tonight I am going to my 2nd alanon meeting at a different site.Looking forward to it.
Punkin, So sorry to hear that you had the D today, how are you doing, are you ok? My thoughts and prayers are with you. Thanks again, TIPPER
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
On my way to alanon tonight, I had to unavoididly drive by the Bar that My H was at (the bar in which I am sure he has an EA in his mind going on w/bar tender) , He hid his truck way in the back of the parking lot, as usuall - but its a big dump truck so its pretty obvious.
But,I said to myself at that time - do not let it bother you - Go to alanon and release it. So I did, and the people there were so loving and understanding. Also, I realized through other peoples stories that MY sitch is pretty common and could be way worse (some are dealing with overdoses, heroin addicts, drunks falling and hitting their heads and needing to be revived)etc....
So I am greatful that my H is not in that deep. I do worry about him and what he might do (accident, dwi, hurt someone,etc...) But I know I cant control him or his actions, so I will just pray for the lord to put his hands on my H's shoulders and guide him in his ways. I will let go -and let God do the work he has planned. TIPPER
Well, my H text me at 2 am last night and said: I really hope we can be friends in time. I said, Me too. He said: Great, I really mean it. I said : so do I.
It was a short conversation, but it is the first clue to me that things are coming a little bit in my direction. It also gave me the knowledge that I need to keep Praying for my H and keep detaching.
I dont mean to get my hopes up, but this is all I have gotten out of him so far since he left me last week for the 3rd time.
I know it could be guilt, or just what he truely wants (friendship instead of M). However, I have been praying for God to walk with him and guide him, and I hope it is the work of the Lord with in him. This is my first positive sign from him. I need to stay strong, continue to pray, and hope for the best.
Tipper, My heart aches for you. I am so sorry that the story of your M and life has taken this ugly turn. I think the big question that only you can answer is: Has you H make adultery his new life path or is this still a buckle in the MLC path?
Too early to tell, even from your perspective. So in the meantime, get selfish and self centered. Use the filter of "Is this good for Tipper?" to help you navigate while you get your bearings in the pain filled reality in which you find yourself. I am so sorry. There ought to be a rubber bracelet for LBS regarding our need to stay strong..... not sure about Lance Armstrong's intention. Peace to you Tipper.
Bomb 1/06 D dismissed 11/07, attempt reconciliation. Premature. Divorce final October 31, 2008. OW looks like bad history. Over. Still hopeful. Baby steps. In R with my X.
