The Roller Coaster Keeps on Rolling

[Denver_2010]

I completely agree, but unfortunately, she cannot make such an important choice while still under the emotional (and even physiological) influence of another man.

Agreed. This is why I feel so devastated right now and feel at a loss as to how to proceed.

you're in a tough spot, Denver, and I can't tell you what to do. I would, however, encourage you to STOP assuming that your wife is telling you the truth. I've followed your entire sitch, and she has not been honest with you pretty much the whole way. Just because she fesses up to some contact with OM, doesn't mean she's "being completely honest." In fact, nearly every person in affairs admits, when confronted, to some level of contact that's LESS than what's actually going on ("just friends" = EA, EA = PA, etc.). You need to base your decision with the premise that she's entangled in an affair with this man, and decide accordingly.

I get what you are saying. I really do. There is no question that there is an emotional attachment with OM that W is having trouble with ... and is now perpetuating. I am pretty confident though that there is no PA at the current moment. I could be wrong, but I doubt it. That also doesn't mean that there could be a week from now or a month from now. I know that I am in dangerous territory.

I'm sorry, but that's the way I see it. I'm sorry, but I've really grown to like and respect you, and the way you've fought for your marriage and your family, and your wife makes me angry -- angry FOR YOU. She's still asking you to jump thru hoops (change the carpet???), and WITHOUT any commitment from her!!

I appreciate all of that Starsky. In her defense about the carpet, she was just kidding around when I told her that I was working on her mother's day gift. She said, 'what are you replacing the carpet in the family room for my gift'. That's neither here nor there.

The other stuff? Yeah, easy to get angry at W for it at this point if I let it. The only way that I keep myself from letting anger creep in is to remind myself of what I made her put up with for the better part of 8 years and the horrible way that I treated her during the last 10 months that we were together. I guess that I'd rather focus on that than let anger get the better of me. Frankly, it's all very depressing more than anything right now.

Finally, this:

She also asked me what I thought would happen if she rushed back into committing to the M and moving home and still had 'feelings' for OM.

I think my answer would have been:

"I'd be fine with that; I'm not asking you to shut off your FEELINGS -- that's going to take awhile, many, many months. I'm asking you to shut off your CONTACT. Because until the contact stops, you're going to continue to have feelings for this man, and I refuse to compete with that."

I did say something along those lines on Sunday after she told me that she was having OM over for dinner. She told me that me asking her to cut off contact with OM was the same thing as me asking her to commit to me and the M, which she is not ready to do.