The Roller Coaster Keeps on Rolling

[Denver_2010]

I completely agree, but unfortunately, she cannot make such an important choice while still under the emotional (and even physiological) influence of another man.

Agreed. This is why I feel so devastated right now and feel at a loss as to how to proceed.

you're in a tough spot, Denver, and I can't tell you what to do. I would, however, encourage you to STOP assuming that your wife is telling you the truth. I've followed your entire sitch, and she has not been honest with you pretty much the whole way. Just because she fesses up to some contact with OM, doesn't mean she's "being completely honest." In fact, nearly every person in affairs admits, when confronted, to some level of contact that's LESS than what's actually going on ("just friends" = EA, EA = PA, etc.). You need to base your decision with the premise that she's entangled in an affair with this man, and decide accordingly.

I get what you are saying. I really do. There is no question that there is an emotional attachment with OM that W is having trouble with ... and is now perpetuating. I am pretty confident though that there is no PA at the current moment. I could be wrong, but I doubt it. That also doesn't mean that there could be a week from now or a month from now. I know that I am in dangerous territory.

I'm sorry, but that's the way I see it. I'm sorry, but I've really grown to like and respect you, and the way you've fought for your marriage and your family, and your wife makes me angry -- angry FOR YOU. She's still asking you to jump thru hoops (change the carpet???), and WITHOUT any commitment from her!!

I appreciate all of that Starsky. In her defense about the carpet, she was just kidding around when I told her that I was working on her mother's day gift. She said, 'what are you replacing the carpet in the family room for my gift'. That's neither here nor there.

The other stuff? Yeah, easy to get angry at W for it at this point if I let it. The only way that I keep myself from letting anger creep in is to remind myself of what I made her put up with for the better part of 8 years and the horrible way that I treated her during the last 10 months that we were together. I guess that I'd rather focus on that than let anger get the better of me. Frankly, it's all very depressing more than anything right now.

Finally, this:

She also asked me what I thought would happen if she rushed back into committing to the M and moving home and still had 'feelings' for OM.

I think my answer would have been:

"I'd be fine with that; I'm not asking you to shut off your FEELINGS -- that's going to take awhile, many, many months. I'm asking you to shut off your CONTACT. Because until the contact stops, you're going to continue to have feelings for this man, and I refuse to compete with that."

I did say something along those lines on Sunday after she told me that she was having OM over for dinner. She told me that me asking her to cut off contact with OM was the same thing as me asking her to commit to me and the M, which she is not ready to do.

[Denver_2010]

I agree with Lotus. If not MWD, at least a call to your DB coach. She will know how to help get you centered again and back on track. Believe it or not Denver, your in a position that most of us on this board would kill for. Keep going my man, no one said this part was any easier.

This part is NOT any easier. It sure appeared that way in March though.

Thanks for the support IW. I really feel the need to apologize to you and all of the others here whose situations I had been tracking. I have fallen off the map a bit here on the board. I have really needed a break from it. And, quite frankly, work has really taken a lot of my time lately. Not to mention the time that I have put in with W and SS. Anyway, I apologize. I hope that I can get back into the swing of things soon and start reciprocate the support that everyone continues to give me.

[Denver_2010]

I think Starsky was spot on with his advice. There are many on these posts that have grown to admire you Denver and the way you have fought for your marriage.

There is a fine line between being a doormatt and being compasionate for what she is going through.

I was and still have anger for what she did, but I am also understanding that my wife is not well and has made some very poor decisions.

If what you say is true about you being a bit of a jerk throughout the marriage ( and I cant believe that is as bad as you say), a few months of change may not be enough to convince her or make up for years of neglect.

Patience, Patience Patience.

Just keep your head on straight, be aware of all possibilities and dont Kiss her A$$. She will not respect that.

All the best Denver. YOU KNOW we are all pulling for you.

9

Thanks for the support Nine. I don't know. I was pretty bad for the majority of our R. I won't go into the specifics again right now, but I can definitely see that I caused my W some serious emotional trauma. I see it clear as day now. So I think that you are correct that a few months is not enough for her to trust my changes. Problem is, is that I don't know if ANY amount of time will be enough... and neither does she.

So at what point does patience equate to wasting my life away?

BITS
Denver

[Denver_2010]

Country - Thanks for the continued support man. Again, I have to throw out an apology for being a absent DB'er here on the boards. I've needed a break from updating and responding etc. I probably will disappear again for a few weeks after today too.

Anyway, I did reread portions of DR yesterday. I thought that was a good thing to do too. I also went back and reviewed some things that I cut and pasted in my solutions journal. It helped some, but it also depressed me quite a bit too. I don't know if I can go back to where I was in January or even February after feeling that I was so close to reaching the mountain top.

That is my quandary.

BITS
Denver

[Jack_Three_Beans]

So at what point does patience equate to wasting my life away?

When you waste your time.

[♪CS♪]

So at what point does patience equate to wasting my life away?

Oh, come on, you know better than this.

You have mentioned that you and your W have been spending all of your free time together. Doesn't seem like that gives you much time for YOU.

You can be patient and wait.

Or, you can be patient and go skiing. Be patient while you take a trip. Be patient while you (insert good time here).

Don't forget to take care of Denver.

Again, I have to throw out an apology for being a absent DB'er here on the boards. I've needed a break from updating and responding etc

No worries at all man. I know it can get to be too much at times.

I don't know if I can go back to where I was in January or even February after feeling that I was so close to reaching the mountain top.

What is the advice they give people who are climbing a mountain? DON’T LOOK DOWN!

[cat04]

Denver,

You know I have never been one to really mix words...

You are trying once again to find immediate answers to questions that don't have immediate answers...

Do you love your W enough to be patient?

Or did your vows mean, as long as everything is on my timeline?

Patience or wasting life?

A question we all ask...

Standing...

Does NOT means standing STILL...

When you don't have to ask the question anymore, THEN you will know YOUR true answer...

[Denver_2010]

Hey man good to hear from you.

I figured you were procesing all this stuff.

I am sorry to hear where it sits right now but you know what?

It is a process. And it doesn't happen when or how we would like usually.

Yep. When my W was talking this weekend I thought of you. She used phrases like,

"this is going to happen on your timeline Denver",
"this is going to take time",
"You can't expect me to be where you are emotionally Denver"

LOL... You been talking to my W Gritter?

I recognize that it is a process. I would be handling it much better if it were going along in a logical manner though. What has thrown me for an emotional loop is the fact that she has gone from spending time with me almost daily, calling me mutliple time per day, agreeing to MC, no contact with OM ... to limited hanging out time, being distant, 1 or 2 telephone/text contacts per day... and now contact with OM.

Get what I am saying... it's like I was a starving man who had a bowl of the most delicious steak in the world put in front of his nose in March... to have the bowl pulled away from me about 10 feet.

It is frustrating...

I admit, I have backslid in some ways myself. I am completely attached to my W. There is something inside of me that makes me feel that I 'need' her rather than just 'want' her. I am affected by her every move or word.

I can acknowledge these things, but am unsure how to get back to where I was. Or maybe I was never there. I just don't know right now.

I still believe your W is playing the victim role here. She is confused

When will you be confident enough in your changes and what you want in your life and how to live it?

Because that is the only way you can show her who you are and she will either see it or she won't.

She won't if you are sacrificing yourself at all costs to bring her back into the M.

It will only reinforce her stance that you are 100% responsible for this and she can do what she wants.

Do you think that kind of thinking is going to work in your M?

My advice?

Let her be like she said she wants.

Let her live without Denver pulling her back into the M.

Let her take some steps on her own.

You are right Gritter. She does view herself as the victim. That is how she justifies her decision to 'date' when we separated... it is how she avoids feeling the guilt that I KNOW is there somewhere inside of her. I don't know if she will ever NOT feel that she is/was the victim in this situation. Changing that will require W to face that guilt.

Here is the rub with pulling back and letting her be... I don't want to appear as if I have reverted to old behaviors.

The whole reason W left me in the first place is bc I was not there for her emotionally, I didn't show her that I loved her, I did not spend time with her, and bc I was neglectful of her. I made her feel lonely in our M.

She is asking for space now. I understand that. But if I give it to her do I not risk her being reminded of the way that I was before? Do I not risk her going back to OM for that support?

I already know what your answer to these questions will be Gritter. I know. It just seems like a situation with no good solution.

As always Gritter, thanks for following my sitch and for the great advice. I appreciate it.

BITS
Denver

[Denver_2010]

So at what point does patience equate to wasting my life away?

When you waste your time.

Jack & Country - There is no question that you are both absolutely 100% right about this. And I know that this is the exact same thing that I would tell anyone else who posed the question that I did.

I'm not going to lie to you, I feel paralyzed right now. I know where I need to be and what I need to be doing, but can't seem to get myself to move in that direction.

BITS
Denver

[cat04]

I know where I need to be and what I need to be doing, but can't seem to get myself to move in that direction.

Isn't this the old Denver?

How is this working for you?