I hear ya Hoswald...as painful as getting all this difficult stuff out in the open is for us, I just keep coming back to the feeling that this new knowledge gives us a new outlook on the love that we feel for our W's. And it makes us want to show them what we've learned.
The problem is that we can't try to convince them to come back and experience all these changes, because that only pushes them further away. Going into a little forced darkness myself for at least this next week...and I'm not much of a dancer, so i'm actually planning to try yoga.
Keep on fighting the good fight man.
BITS M: 35 W: 27 T 7.5 years M 5 years No kids My EA: 3/08 Her EA: 1/11, discovered 3/11 (ongoing?) ILYBINILY, D mentioned 3/8/11 W at parents house: 4/16/11
Hoswald Don't worry man, progress gives WAW relapse it threatens their so called hard made decisions. The harder they run after a relapse the more likely they will return. Hopefully she'll realize how silly this is. The sillier she acts the more likely she'll realize this. My w super ran away eventually she snapped out of it. It's the quiet, carefully planned ones I would worry about.
The problem is that we can't try to convince them to come back and experience all these changes, because that only pushes them further away.
Instead, I'm just blogging about it. I know she still reads my blog, so it's a way to show the changes without showing them DIRECTLY TO HER, as it were
Quote:
progress gives WAW relapse it threatens their so called hard made decisions. The harder they run after a relapse the more likely they will return. Hopefully she'll realize how silly this is.
Hopefully.
Maybe hopefully.
Nah, hopefully. I still want her back, but... man, I hate to admit it, but it is actually SO NICE not having to feel like every action is critical, like every reaction to something happening might be taken the wrong way, like I'm put in impossible-to-win situations every time I walk in my own door.
I miss... who she was. I feel a bit guilty about it, but in only a few days I've come to a sense of relief that who she now is isn't here.
My hope is that who she becomes is a woman I can love again with all my heart. But waking up and thinking "you know what, I do deserve better than this crap" was shocking. At this exact precise moment in time, if I was offered a zero-loss divorce... I weep to say that I would be sorely tempted.
Seriously, though, any ideas on how best to DB in a situation like this? I'm heavily into getting a life, being active socially, and in the absence of direct communications with W I'm blogging about it a bit (not an "IN YER FACE!" sort of thing, but keeping a public journal of what I'm up to--I know she reads it and will be following me; I'm just hoping it's with the right attitude and not "oh, well he seems to be doing fine, guess I'm justified").
But I'm totally unclear what I should say or how to act when she contacts me again. It's very confusing.
Well, she broke radio silence today but just to say "I don't know when we should start talking again. I've just been giving us both some time. I'm not even precisely sure what we should be talking about, honestly." Friendly, neutral, not acrimonious, hoping I'm doing okay and having a good time. But of course absolutely no flex. I've no idea how, or even if, to respond. So long as her frame is "returning means losing", I can't win.
What a mess. Had a roughish day yesterday but actually doing pretty well this morning. Angry, though.
Hmm, not sure if I posted already on this or not. She got in contact, saying "I don't know when we should start talking again. I've just been giving us both some time. I'm not even precisely sure what we should be talking about, honestly" and giving minor details about how she's doing, glad I'm enjoying dance, etc... ie a fairly normal lightweight conversation, as if leaving me "and never coming back" was as inconsequential as taking out the garbage.
I have absolutely NO idea how to respond, but I'm taking my time before doing so. I'm angry and frustrated... and I miss her SO MUCH.
I miss... who she was. I feel a bit guilty about it,
Your words sure tugged at my heart. I've been M to the same man for many years. Neither of us are the same two people we were at the time we M. I could tear up and cry right now just thinking about that sweet young man who captured my heart. But, I have learned that if a couple stays together for "life", then they have to expect changes in both individuals. Adapting to those changes is often very hard. Maybe we don't want to see them change, and OTOH some changes are for the best. The point is that the couple has to work through those growing pains, b/c if they don't it will tear them apart.
So, it's okay to miss the girl you M. Hopefully and prayerfully, she will come through these changes as a better person. It doesn't look like that right now, but it's not over, yet.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
So, it's okay to miss the girl you M. Hopefully and prayerfully, she will come through these changes as a better person. It doesn't look like that right now, but it's not over, yet.
O Sandi2... I fear it is. Every day I see a new way in which she is separating (today I noticed she stopped sharing her calendar with me... simple thing and it hurt). I want to hold her and talk to her and smell her hair, and I just miss her SO MUCH. To have her talk to me like I'm just another person is the greatest wound.
I can't even imagine falling out of love, with anyone. My heart is full of fondness for every girlfriend I've ever had... and I can count them on one hand. I just wish I could understand! And I can't, I just can't understand someone who would make one of our favorite meals and cookies for me the day before ambushing me with abandonment, who said we were making progress and were friends again and let this panic her until she ran.
I don't know when to stop trying. I try and try and try and she just takes and takes, never apologizing, never trying, fixed in a frame where getting back together means "losing" in her mind.
Was doing so well, but one word from her and I'm a complete mess again, just crying and crying.
Didn't sleep last night, darn it. I still don't know how to respond to her. Or if I should. Or how much money to allow her, or if I should cut her off completely (which I worry would just force her hand). I don't know if I should give up hope or not!
I have tried to give everything she's asked for in our marriage--money, support, chance for education, the best room in the house for her study at our last place... I tell her she's smart and beautiful, encourage her to do things and take vacations. All she can do is complain about what she doesn't have.
Now it seems all she wants from me is a check every month. If I give it to her, I feel like I'm being a doormat; if I don't, I feel like it'll force her to bring it to court, and then I'll have to by law.
And I can't even tell her I love her! What kind of world is this!?
O gawd... the ballroom dance stuff was working so well I thought I'd branch out and try the local "cultured singles" group (not a meat market, more "single folks who go do events together" sort) and wound up talking to women 15+ years older than me tell their bitter divorce stories and thinking "oh crap, is this the rest of my life?"
LOW spot. I'm a catch, frankly, so I know I can find someone again, but... oof. After my W, my standards are going to be so exacting that I can't imagine anyone measuring up.
