The Roller Coaster Keeps on Rolling

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Ahhh no, not exactly.

Having him over for dinner and being upfront about it, sort of flys in the face of what she had previously told you.

"Cake eating" I actually despise the term. It is an individual definition with individual parameters. Much like "door mat". These are personal definitions. You define them for yourself, what you are capable of handling, tolerating, suckking up. Much like family and friends advising you. What you would tolerate I might not, what Country might tolerate you might not.

As for the dinner because of a dying father. Let me be the blunt asss in the room. What's next, when the man dies? After that, his dog ran away? He lost his job?

In the future.

IN the FUTURE.

In her life if you are her husband, he is not her friend.
If he is her friend, then you aren't married.

I do not know any marriage concilor that says or thinks having the OP anywhere near the couple live's is helpful or good for the recovering marriage.

That is your boundary.

In the here and now?

It might not be in your best interest to establish THAT bounary, right now.

She doesn't trust you; yet. You're not at the point of being able to walk away without an angry stone heart. You'd be doing it to push her to a choice you want her to make rather than from the point that you truly are good with either choice. Do it too soon and you'll be dissapointed in her and angry.

A boundary once establish means your force them to make a choice AND you have to live with decision. It's an ultimatium.

Starsky is correct in that many of them 'dumb down' the information they give you. Not being completely honest. From my own experience as a WAH I certainly did, as an LBS she certainly did it to me. 'Lies of ommission' are still lies.

Everyone is saying, even me, "You or him" That's the truth.

However, I am asking you to determine the correct TIME of that statement and stance.

I see what you are doing as f-ing up her game plan. Screwing with her preconcieved notions of who and what Denver really is.

You're a work in progress Denver.

You'll admit; I hope, that you are addressing issues that you didn't like in yourself. Bettering yourself. I know you didn't come here for that, you came here to save your marriage. You improving yourself gives you that best chance.

This time, this HELL you find yourself in. This is the fire you refine yourself in. And she is watching. This time, and your actions, word, deeds and attitude during this time, will confirm or errode her fear and conceptions about you.


There will come a time, when you will say, "Him or me." Although I believe Grit had a much better way of saying it once. I'll keep it simple.

"Him or me." That stance that is adamant. No dickering. And from a place where you are capable of fullfilling your part of the ulitimatium. Where you mean it, where you'd like her in your life, but don't need her. After you have shown her what you are truely capable of. When you have shown her absolutley that you are not a trick, and that boundary is not a trick.

Has enough time passed yet Denver? Should she believe you?

I am not saying compete with f-nuts. I am saying use this time to destroy the guy you are REALLY competeing with: The Old Denver she left.