By reading my journal, I know there were times that after she went public with her relationship with her boss, she was struggling with it and really was thinking of getting away from him and her job. At one point she had even asked me to buy her out of the house so she would have money to buy a car (she has a "company" car now), and have time to look for a job. I said no, since it's not what we agreed to, and not best for the kids and I. Now, I know that she then felt she had no choice and went back to her boss and then a couple weeks later went on vacation with him. And now she is trapped.
Oh please. I'm calling bullpoopy on this one, BTM. She is a grown woman, capable of making conscious choices about whether or not to remain faithful to her husband. This kind of thinking only enables her entitlement streak.
You DID do what was best for your kids and yourself. Stop beating yourself up over it. If it hadn't been the car, she would have found some other excuse to get her OM fix.
BTM, I need to go back and read through your threads. I too am impressed by your efforts and persistance.
Any advice for those of us with Ws involved with their bosses?
I come to think that once it starts it is unlikley to end unless one of them leaves their job.....but I could be wrong....
I've sometimes wondered how it would play out if our HR department were to become aware of a EA between W and boss. I know, probably not well but.....sometimes I wonder.......
After 6 years here and currently at the worst point ever - separated and STBX openly with OM, I am hardly the person to give adivce!!!
But...I will tell you this. Either the affair ends or the job ends before you can reconcile. As long as the cheater is still working for the OP, there will always be pressure on the cheater and doubt in the mind of the cheated upon.
As recently as 3 months ago, I believe STBX was trying to quit her job and get away from OM in the process. But, she didn't and now she feels trapped. At least that's what I think.
In our case, he owns a restaurant that she manages, so there is no HR dept. But if they were employees at a large company and he was just her boss and not the owner, I would certainly be tempted to let HR know. But that probably isn't a great idea.
My wife is having affair with another very senior man t their corporation. They sign standards of business conduct, where things like this are grounds for termination. Also they have policies on communication standards. What that means if you are using company resouces such as email, messenger, text on the company network, they can review it as part of any misconduct.
Alot think if they delete all of this ( emails etc ) from their laptop, phone , no one will know, but in reality, they still sit on a central exchange server at the company.
So if hr think that there is a breach of stds of business conduct, first thing they do is run an audit on their emails, instant messanging etc, now most people have affairs will have hundreds of communications , amazing how reckless they can be.
So i have thought about teliing my wifes hr director, but i think that is a poison pill, because the ramifications will be total destruction of both her career, financial stability and our relationship. She knows i could do it, so she is being careful.......
Facingdivorce Me: 46 W: 40 D8 D6 Seperated feb 2011
Here are 2 quotes I pulled from my 2003 threads when my H came back from the OW:
Originally Posted By: ceberon
I just thought I'd give a quick point of view here. No matter what, if you've had a marriage, you have a lot of vested emotional and relationship energy into the other person. No matter what happens with another person outside of the relationship, it's not your spouse. You can't instantly leave and go with another person and be just fine with it.. no matter what a person may say, they're still most likely constantly being reminded of what they've lost.
Originally Posted By: ceberon
1. I realized that my W knew a lot of things about me that it would take a very long time for anyone else to know. And that my W also knew things that some people might not be able to accept. She knew I get food poisoning easily (keeps me up all night being really sick), I have a thing about needing some part of my body to touch her while I'm sleeping to be able to relax (sorta lets me know while I'm asleep that she's still there), I hate when people raise their voice at me, the foods I don't like to eat, etc. I realized when I was getting to know OW that I wasn't giving her much information because I couldn't trust that she could handle it as well as my W.
Calystra - the first one is true in every case. And I know STBX still loves me and cares about me in some way.
But the second one - well - her Boss has known her for almost 10 years and knows all about her. The only thing new is that they are now open about their relationship. That may make things a little less exciting, but that's about it.
I will choose to focus on the first one. Speaking of numbers...day 6 of dark is coming to and end. Tomorrow will be a tough one. It's my day off on which I used to always visit for a while when I took S17 to work with her. That, and I have time to think and time to miss her.
You might be surprised. When you live with someone for so long, are married to them for so long and have kids with them... they certainly know you better than anyone else does. I'm sure there are still plenty of things she has not (and could not possibly) have shared with the OM.
I hope you are correct. I am concerned that she only focuses on the negative things and basically chooses to only remember them. Even since the separation, and even since she has been openly (other than to me) with OM, we have had shared numerous things that should mean something to her.
I am starting day 7 of dark. Up until now, I always saw her on Wednesdays when I drop off/pick up S17 from work, since it's my day off and I have time to see her. Not today. I know we both need time to heal and I am soooooo trying to do what is best, not what I feel like I need to do to feel better for a few moments.
