Your wife is waiting for Cupid to hit her with an arrow, or for the stars to align, or some other outside force to grab her and tell her what she wants in life. She needs to spend some time in a positive structured way to look inward and see what she wants. Love doesn't come from the outside. It is a decision. Waiting around for a decision to happen to you is not the way it works.
I completely agree, but unfortunately, she cannot make such an important choice while still under the emotional (and even physiological) influence of another man. And even Retrouvaille (which I heartily recommend!) won't take a couple when there is still an active affair going on.
You're in a tough spot, Denver, and I can't tell you what to do. I would, however, encourage you to STOP assuming that your wife is telling you the truth. I've followed your entire sitch, and she has not been honest with you pretty much the whole way. Just because she fesses up to some contact with OM, doesn't mean she's "being completely honest." In fact, nearly every person in affairs admits, when confronted, to some level of contact that's LESS than what's actually going on ("just friends" = EA, EA = PA, etc.). You need to base your decision with the premise that she's entangled in an affair with this man, and decide accordingly.
I'm sorry, but that's the way I see it. I'm sorry, but I've really grown to like and respect you, and the way you've fought for your marriage and your family, and your wife makes me angry -- angry FOR YOU. She's still asking you to jump thru hoops (change the carpet???), and WITHOUT any commitment from her!!
Finally, this:
Quote:
She also asked me what I thought would happen if she rushed back into committing to the M and moving home and still had 'feelings' for OM.
I think my answer would have been:
"I'd be fine with that; I'm not asking you to shut off your FEELINGS -- that's going to take awhile, many, many months. I'm asking you to shut off your CONTACT. Because until the contact stops, you're going to continue to have feelings for this man, and I refuse to compete with that."
