First time caller...

[Telemark]

Weekend update...

My weekend trip came and went. It should have been an enjoyable break from everything but I was a wreck imagining what W and OM were doing online, despite my best efforts to not think about it. It felt like the further away I was, the less I could control the situation. I realize I can't control her or anything she does, but it was my own demons tormenting me.

When I got home Sunday evening W was on the couch watching TV. She looked thoroughly beat up-not physically, but emotionally. I could tell something was not right. We said hello to each other, she asked how my weekend was, I asked how her weekend was and that was it until about 10:00, when I asked her if we could talk. I told her that our situation was no longer bearable for me, we both were obviously unhappy and that something needed to change. Told her I was a wreck the entire weekend thinking about her relationship with the OM, and I could not tolerate that anymore.

Her reply was unexpected. She told me the OM was gone – out of the picture. She deleted him from her phone, Skype and Facebook and was not going to talk to him anymore. I asked her what brought this on; she replied that her decision to stay or leave could not be based on her relationship with him. I told her I appreciated that and I hoped we could move on.

But then she lit into me about how I had invaded her privacy during all of this and that she would never love me or trust me the way a W should love and trust her H. I said there is no “privacy” when it comes to a spouse compromising a marriage, but she wouldn’t hear it. Her anger increased and the accusations came out again about everything I had done wrong recently and in the past. I admit I took the bait and started to fire back, but when I saw it was going to get worse I backed off. "180, 180..." I kept reminding myself.

So I asked the question: “Are you staying or going? Because I will not be in another loveless marriage.”
Answer: “I don’t know.”
I asked if she would consider counseling, either together or separately.
Answer: “No.”

She was a combination of anger, sadness, exhaustion and confusion, and I could see we were getting nowhere, so I ended the conversation and she went to bed.

So…according to her, the OM is out, the EA is over. We’ll see. But also according to her, nothing has changed between us. During our conversation at times she seemed like a little girl and other times like a very angry, vindictive woman.

And the next morning we were civil, almost pleasant to each other.

But this morning (Tuesday) as I write this I am asking myself if this is the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. If she is truthful about what she said regarding not ever loving me or trusting me, why would I want a marriage filled with that? A loveless, trust-less, sexless marriage? No thanks.

Going dark and letting her think about our situation without any outside noise from me would be the best plan for my own sanity, I think. But that will be difficult while we are under the same roof. I have moved into my son's bedroom and use the other bathroom so we avoid each other there. I have also decided to tell her she will have to get her son to and from his day program; that I can no longer be the babysitter / chauffeur.

I thanked God for His help in bringing about the end of the EA, and again asked for His help in remaining strong but gentle, firm but kind, compassionate and clear-headed.