The Roller Coaster Keeps on Rolling

[Denver_2010]

Thanks NE. I haven't been on in a while. I have been busy at work and kind of need a break.

Quick update. I don't feel like going into specifics. W has continued to pull back. She says that she is not ready to commit to me or anyone right now. Says that she needs to decide to commit to M on her own and not bc it is what her family or I want her to do. Apparently, she is feeling pressure to reconcile with me from her family. She does say that she enjoys spending time with me, but that it feels weird. I don't really know what to do.

When I asked her what she wants me to do, she told me that she just wants me to just be patient... that things are not going to happen on my timeline. Where have I heard that before? When I asked her if she wants me to just walk away, she told me, 'that would say a lot about you and your feelings'. She told me that I need to realize that she never had intentions of ever trying to work things out, that she never thought that I would try so hard to fix things. That my changes, which she repeatedly acknowledges, took her by surprise. That I need to realize that she was 'dating' someone. That 'this' isn't going to happen overnight. She also admits to having some of the feelings of anger and resentment that she had toward me when she left... 'although not as bad'.

Some positives comments that W has made: She commented about a couple of things that my mom did decorate around our house when she was visiting. W said that she was 'annoyed' that my mom had done some of the things she did. W asked me, jokingly, if I was going to replace some carpet in our house. There have been other small, passing comments that W has made that refer to us having a future together. But then again, she is admittedly confused.

She is having contact with OM at this point. Mostly phone conversations, but she did have him over for dinner last night. She was very upfront about it. Said it was bc his father is dying and wants to be a friend to him. But she has also admitted that she is having a difficult time 'just dropping him' when he has been so good to her and just bc 'you decided to get your your sh!t together.' She says in many ways, she feels that isn't fair. She also asked me what I thought would happen if she rushed back into committing to the M and moving home and still had 'feelings' for OM. When I told her that I didn't really know, she told me that she didn't think that it would be good. I don't know what she intends to do with these 'feelings' or how she thinks continuing contact with OM is going to resolve that, but maybe she is just processing her feelings like she says that she needs to do. Whatever. I can't control what she does or how she 'processes' her feelings.

I asked her how she sees things moving forward... she says that she doesn't know. That she just needs time and thinks that things will 'sort themselves out'. I have absolutely no idea how that is going to work, but again, whatever.

Pretty clear that W is extremely confused. But she is also cake eating to an extent. I know that Jack3beans may disagree that what she is doing is cake eating bc she is being upfront about things, but it sure seems like all she is doing is cake eating knowing that she has the power to do it.

Things are beginning to take a serious emotional toll on me. It is probably obvious from the tone of this post. I don't think that I should continue to be crucified for my past f*ckups. I can handle being patient with her confusion, but don't know if I can if she continues to have contact with OM. I should say that I trust that she is not having any kind of physical R with OM at this point. Say what you want, but I know my W. Besides, she is being truthful about the contact that she is having with him and has been brutality honest about their R when they were 'dating'. I have no reason not to trust her at this point. But I simply don't see how she and I can get to the point of true reconcillation until OM is out of the picture for good.

Lastly, she decided a couple of weeks ago that she was not going to move back into the house when her current lease expires at the end of May. She said that she didn't think that it would be smart for us for her to move back in when she is still confused. I agreed. She said that she was going to find a new, cheaper, place that would give her a month to month lease. Her current place is way out of her financial means. So, I was a tiny bit encouraged tonight when she told me that she is renewing her lease with the current place that she cannot afford. It will be on a month to month basis. I guess I find this encouraging bc she knows that she can't afford it, yet she is choosing to stay there for the time being. Probably mind reading here, but I think that it is bc she has an idea that ultimately she is going to move back home. But that she just needs a little more time like she says. It would make sense that she doesn't want to go through the hassle of finding another place and moving all of her stuff if that's what she ultimately intends to do. At least that is what I hope. But I could be wrong. Obviously I was wrong about where things were heading with us 3 weeks ago. Guess we'll see.

BITS
Denver