You are exactly right...it is FEAR!!! I struggle with it all of the time. Part of me is just tired of fighting for a man who doesn't want me and then another part of me just wants the man I love and I want to have my nice little family! It's a very frustrating place to be.
He brought up the R talk last night and I talked with him, but I don't know if it makes any difference. He is saying that he doesn't know if he'll ever be able to fully trust me again, but he's afraid that he'll never be able to fill the emptiness inside of him with anyone else. My question (I didn't ask him this) is "then why won't you try with me?" Of course, the answer to that is: If I try with you and it doesn't work...then I've lost my OW. I HATE being an option. I want to be more than an dang option...I want to be what he can't live without. But, I don't know how to get there without cutting him out of my life except for our D.
It's very hard for me to detach when my D is struggling so much and I just want to do what I know we should do and fix her pain...UGH!!! This is THE hardest thing I've ever done. His feelings are in such contrast to our feelings. I mean I have the same worries that he does, but I believe in us...ALOT.
I hope everyone is having a good weekend!
Me: 31 H: 30 Kids: D9 Together almost 12 years Married almost 5 years EA began: 8/10 Separated: 3/11
My H is on a business trip about 300 miles away and I brought up the R. I told him that I need more from him than he can or will give me. Let's just say that we talked over an hour and I don't think he said 25 words the whole time.
He said that I make him feel like he never does anything right and that he is an ***hole.
Why did I do that and can ANYTHING make that better??? I need help on this one guys cause I think I ruined all of the work that I've done up until this point.
Help!!!
Me: 31 H: 30 Kids: D9 Together almost 12 years Married almost 5 years EA began: 8/10 Separated: 3/11
First you can't MAKE anyone feel anything. If that were true you could make him feel love, hate, disgust or any other feeling about you at will. It doesn't work that way. He and you are responsible for YOUR OWN feelings.
Yes you backslid by bringing up the R.
Two steps forward one back is normal growth and development.
Is this recoverable? Probably. Get back on the horse you were thrown from.
Many of our complaints are recieved by our H's as criticism of them as people. My suggestion is your read MWD about how to modify your message so it's less likely to be percieved as a personal slam.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
Thanks! I really screwed this one up though. I don't know HOW to get back on my horse. I'm so angry with myself right now. I was doing so good and then the OW thing just came at me and I just lost it..plain and simple.
Will it be better if I just don't talk to him the rest of the week??
Me: 31 H: 30 Kids: D9 Together almost 12 years Married almost 5 years EA began: 8/10 Separated: 3/11
Remember that DB'ing is a series of techniques. The most important thing you can do is keep doing what works & stop doing what doesn't work. It honestly doesn't matter what the action is as long as it's working!
So look back over the past month(s) and what actions got a positive response? Which got a negative response?
Seems like going dark was working ok, maybe try that again. R talks definitely not working. Sex was a positive response too but you have to set your own boundaries on that based on your comfort level.
You're right! The sex was working until I started wanting more than he was willing to give. I started expecting more and I started to have all of these expectations and then I would get disappointed when it wasn't going my way.
I'm probably going to HAVE to go dark now as he is NOT going to want to talk to me at all. I worry that I have set myself back really far. I was feeling soooo good about myself and then he started talking about getting our relationship back together and I just lost all of the headway that I had made because I starting making assumptions.
I just wish that I could take tonight back....
Me: 31 H: 30 Kids: D9 Together almost 12 years Married almost 5 years EA began: 8/10 Separated: 3/11
Another thing that worries me is that now he will want to talk to the OW more as she makes no demands on him whatsoever. He said that he thought he was doing things right and now I'm telling him that he is pulling back.
Why couldn't I just keep my mouth shut????
Me: 31 H: 30 Kids: D9 Together almost 12 years Married almost 5 years EA began: 8/10 Separated: 3/11
Confused, I feel for you...if you take a look at my thread, you'll see that I very very often need to put a sock in it. Actually had an R talk tonight that W initiated, which shocked me, but hey I'll take what I can get.
Anyway, not going to lie, anything that makes us unattractive makes the OP more attractive, but this is nothing that can't be overcome. Here's something that has worked for me. The last time I had a tough R talk with W I tried something different. We were having a very light and cheery convo and I just said "Hey, sorry for the other night, I'd had a pretty tough day," and left it at that. When I didn't say anything else, I think she expected me to, and she said "I understand, you're upset, it's ok." I almost fell over. Now I know the convo still set me back a bit, but not dwelling on it WHEN I WAS WITH HER seemed to let it blow over.
I've learned pretty fast that I'm going to have days where I'm doing ok, and then something will set me off and I'll have to talk to her. It's natural to want to, and I know that my biggest obstacle is getting past that need, sounds like yours might be too. Don't dwell on it, just know that it's a natural reaction to where we are in our M's...and I really do believe that it's going to get easier.
But you know what, that's what this board is for. If you feel the need to talk, come talk to us!
BITS M: 35 W: 27 T 7.5 years M 5 years No kids My EA: 3/08 Her EA: 1/11, discovered 3/11 (ongoing?) ILYBINILY, D mentioned 3/8/11 W at parents house: 4/16/11
The roller coaster may go down, but it also goes back up...don't sweat it Confused. We're all prone to mistakes, probably wouldn't be here if we weren't.
Every day is a new day.
BITS M: 35 W: 27 T 7.5 years M 5 years No kids My EA: 3/08 Her EA: 1/11, discovered 3/11 (ongoing?) ILYBINILY, D mentioned 3/8/11 W at parents house: 4/16/11
