I went to an alanon meeting tonight for my first time and it was such a blessing. I felt so good to feel comforted by the others there and to hear their stories too. It helped me realize these people there are all so happy and outgoing, even though they are going through past or present stuggles with an alchohic and they are focusing on themselves and growing as a human which empowers them to be better people. It helped me realize that I can not fix everything, only a higher power is in charge of that. It helped me realize, I really need to focus on keeping me healthy and happy even though I know it will take some time. I need to detatch, and live life for me.
I am defenitly gonna attend this meeting every monday and I am also gonna go to another alonon site on wednesday with my Brother who is in AA-and they have both meetings at the same time.
I am also going to look into and research a job in the postal service, as there is no hope for me as a teacher anymore. I feel like it is a job, I would like and be good at. I know it can be hard to get into, and I got to take the c.c. test yet, but my brothers girlfriend works at a post office and may be able to get me an "in". So, "I am going Postal" (ha ha - litterally).
I realized tonight, that my H left behind on my bakers rack 2 of the four wedding bands I have bought him in the past. Wedding band #1 was "lost" 6 months before the first bomb hit. Wedding band #2 was bought for him by me immediatley after he lost the first one, and he "lost" that one some time within our first seperation. So wedding band #3 was bought for him when he returned to me back in '08. He wore that one for the last 3 years, occasionally losing it though and then finding it again in work gloves, ect...Then wedding band #3 was "lost" this past march. So for his birthday in april, I bought him Wedding band #4 and he acted like it was the greatest gift he got, and he was actually wearing it every day.
But, When I found wedding Bands #2 & #3 today in my kitchen, I just about sank. I have been such a fool, I feed into every thing he tells me. I have tried to show him I love him in all sorts of ways, but he is just not sure if he wants to love me back or pursue a new relationship. No wonder I have been going insane for the last few months, but it is pretty clear to me now.
Our current seperation is still part of his MLC, he is still seeking out other woman (on a smaller scale than last time though, aka: stripper). He is drinking more than ever again. He is spending money like crazy again. He is defenitely still in MLC, I just didnt see it clearly untill now. I thought I ruined our relationship we worked so hard to reconcile by blowing up. Not true - Like you said. This was bound to happen and is bound to happen again if I dont set up some clear aspectations and boundaries. I just dont know how to yet. I have always given, given, given to him, took care of him, mothered him, and nurtured his wants and needs. I am not sure of how not to do that for the person that I love so dearly.But I need to figure it out. And SOON. Thanks, TIPPER
