Albuquerque living part 3:Strapped in for the ride

[Albuquerque]

Journaling,

This has been an up and down week for me. H continues to live mostly at the house. But his anxiety attacks are a lot more frequent. And it has been very hard to not take them personally. Intellectually, I realize they are not all about me. But when we are seemingly having a nice evening and all the sudden he needs to go, it's hard to not have it feel like a slap in the face. One of the many things that I'm working on dealing with.

I had a major breakdown midweek. I've been working a lot and think I was just mentally weak. There was a minor incident earlier in the day where I felt pretty alone. I had a minor cry, pulled myself together and tried to push through the day. But then, I asked H if he had picked up D's prescription.

That morning, D alerted me that she was out of her meds. Of course, being 14, she waits till she's out to let me know. H was there when she told me and he asked if she had refills. I said no. I then remembered that she had refills left of the same meds, but at a lower dosage. I opted to refill that so that she could just double dose until I could get her an appt. I told H my solution and asked him to pick up her meds. That was the story.

So that evening, when I asked if he had picked up her meds, he said no and told me that he didn't know she was out. I swear. And the sad thing is that I believe him. He honestly forgot that entire conversation. Something in me snapped. I rushed to the bathroom and just sobbed and sobbed. It is slightly maddening to live with someone who, despite sharing the same situations, seems to have no memory of such events. And unfortunately, this happens A LOT. His memory is BAD. I simply can't depend on him for things. I spent about 20 minutes just sobbing and then decided to take a shower. H often pops in when I'm taking a shower and I just didn't want that so I locked the door. And took a loooong shower. H knocked at one point and I said a quiet "yes?" but I don't think he heard me. A few minutes later, he came in. He had unlocked the door. That offended me even more that he couldn't give me the decency of privacy. He looked in on me and asked if I was OK. That caused me to break down again and I just asked him to please go away. Thankfully he did. I really lost it at that point. I don't think I cried so much even when he left home. But it was cathartic for me. I eventually calmed down and felt a lot better. When I exited, D was going to bed so I said goodnight to her. H was sitting in the living room and looked very concerned. I told him I was going to bed and could chat with him there if he wanted.

Once in bed, I briefly went over what had caused my breakdown. I explained that the silly minor event earlier in the day had kind of primed the pump and that his forgetting the whole prescription conversation had pretty much put me over the edge. When I went back over the history of our conversation, he THEN remembered it and apologized profusely for forgetting. I told him that he does that A LOT and that it can be slightly maddening at times.

He told me that my behavior had TOTALLY freaked him out. He took several anti anxiety pills just to cope. He said he was worried that perhaps the x-OW had sent me an email or something. I thought it was funny he'd think that. I asked if he'd had any more fallout from his defriending her. He said no but that she had to euthanize one of her animals and had been texting him about it. He said he didn't want to seem heartless and not respond but was trying to be distant about it. He said he knew she was out drinking and that's why he thought she may have contacted me or something. Anyhow, I apologized to H for freaking him out and he apologized to me for being so forgetful. He requested that I point out every time that happens so he can be more aware of that problem.

I've been Ok the rest of the week but he hasn’t. He has had continuing major anxiety attacks and actually spent most of the weekend at his place. I just went on with my life and tried to ignore it. Unfortunately, things kind of came to a head this evening.

Today was our normal sushi night. H and I spent all day together at the house. We were both working at home but talked occasionally and got along great. We even went target shooting together during D’s martial arts class. That’s something he’s really enjoyed doing and only started doing it once I started with my GAL program. At sushi dinner, we both had a lot of sake which is pretty much the norm. But we got on the topic of something that’s always bugged him about me. He blames me for not speaking to him in Spanish and helping him learn. I know conversational Spanish but never was formally taught. My family is Spanish and I kind of picked it up. Enough to communicate but not enough to really say things grammatically correct. He wanted to learn Spanish and kind of always wanted me to speak to him. I never did because I didn’t feel comfortable doing so and didn’t want him to learn the wrong way (which I know enough to know I’m doing it the wrong way). Well he wouldn’t let it go. He kept saying it was a conversation that’s been years in coming and why didn’t I meet him halfway etc. I explained my reasoning for why. But that wasn’t good enough for him. He clearly didn’t want the “why”. He wanted me to say I was wrong. I don’t feel I was wrong and still feel the same way. I could agree to disagree. He could not. Finally, D got up from the table and went to the restroom because we were making her so uncomfortable. That’s when I tried to detach from the conversation but he wouldn’t let it go. I told him he was too drunk to be discussing this and it was clear he wasn’t letting this go and I got both teary and pissed. Teary because I realized I was in a no-win situation. Pissed because I realized he wanted me to basically admit I was wrong and there was no ending the conversation until I said so. After a loooong wait, D finally returned and I kind of forced the fact that we needed to leave. He was pissed. I was pissed. But I drove home because I knew he was totally drunk while I was only mildly affected by sake.

Once home, he started packing up his computer, making it obvious he had no intention of staying. I stated that if he was smart, he’d wait before he left. He said he’s never been known for being smart. He hugged D and must have left while I was in the restroom because he never even said goodbye. Strangely, while annoyed, I wasn’t that bothered. I took a shower and put D to bed. I had meant to turn my text on my phone somewhat off (can’t turn the phone off completely because I use it as an alarm). But needless to say, it wasn’t before H managed to text me a very sweet “ F you. F me for thinking this could work”. Again strangely, I find it more sad and slightly funny that he would do this. Clearly he’s still drunk. But he obviously cares enough to text me about how much this R won’t work. And it may not. And sad to say, I find myself caring less and less. I see him doing some work, but this was not a good night. If he has this much angst and anger about something rather trivial, he must have a lot more about more important matters. I’m kind of done. I’m supposed to be OK forgiving affairs, his leaving his family, dealing with his depression and his anxiety , dealing with the entire household on my own etc. And I am. None of that is fake. But standing firm on stating my opinion on one matter is too much for him to deal with? I would say F that. I will not bend to his strange view that somehow I’m to blame for not being his personal tutor. I will not continue to stand for never knowing whether he will choose to spend the night and take advantage of his wife or whether he will choose to run and hide. I’m close to being done. He needs to do the work. I will be moving on with or without him.