Am I on the right track?

[NEmoose43]

Well, things just get weirder.

Got a text from W this afternoon asking if we could talk after work. I said I had said all I needed to say, but she asked me if I could come see her for a bit. Don't know if I should have gone or not, but I did.

W asks me if I read her notebook. I asked her why she would ask that, and she said because I kept asking about the weekend. I said no, I was just really bothered by the fact that she didn't come home on Saturday. Wanted to confront her really badly, but it wasn't the right time (thanks Islander). I did ask if she really stayed with a friend that night, she said yes again, and it occurred to me that it is possible that she just spent time with OM and then slept at her friends...honestly it really doesn't matter, because it does not change a thing. Doesn't change what I'm doing, and if he is part of the choice she's trying to make, I can't control that anyway.

We walked out to our cars, and ended up talking for over an hour. She said a lot of things about how terrible she felt for not being able to come back to me right away and for having an EA even after mine from three years ago. I told her it didn't make her a bad person, it made her human, and I reiterated that I knew my distance and the way I had been so unavailable to her had driven her to find an emotional connection somewhere else. Said I wasn't condoning anything, but that I understood why it happened...basically a lot of validating and acknowledging that we BOTH had made some bad mistakes. I made the point that I was more than willing to let the past be the past, and to make the conscious decision to work on our M. I acknowledged that she wasn't there yet and that I understood why. But I said if we can both make that first step, that choice to try, that it was possible that so many things could fall into place for us. She looked at me and actually said "Believe me, I know, but it's so hard to make that choice right now."

Honestly, it was really weird considering what I had seen earlier in the day. She said again and again that she needs to get through this week of finals and then work on us. I just don't know what I can believe from her right now. I want to believe her, and I want to trust her, especially when she holds me for several minutes, looks into my eyes with tears in hers, and says that I haven't lost her...WTF???

If she's lying to me while making promises like that...well, I'll just leave that out there. What do you guys think?

So here's how I closed things:

W, if that's true, then the choice is yours, and I know you know that I have already made my choice with us. We've both made mistakes, and we both feel hurt and angry, but I know I can get past that and it's okay that you're not there yet. I'm sorry that you feel like this is all on your shoulders, but that's unfortunately where we are right now. When and if you're ready to come home and talk, I'll be here.

And Sandi, I am officially dark. She said she still wanted to talk this week, and if that's true, then it's all on her. I have to protect myself at this point, and I have to work on myself at the same time. The choice is hers.