Hi All, I am hope that you can help me out. I have gotten the DB book and am almost done with it. My H has asked for a divorce. We have been together for 20 yrs. Married for 16. We had problems last July and he asked me to leave, I did that but was only gone for a few hours and asked to talk. I told him I did not want this and he let me come back.
Well 2 weeks ago he tells me his is not happy does not want to be happy with me. He said that he can not even look at me with love in his eyes. He is in love with me but does not love me any more. He does not think that he could ever feel for me again.
The problems back in July are back again he said. Yes they are but I am trying my best to fix this even now. I work 40 plus hours a week right now. Back in July it was 60 hours a week. I know that he wanted me to make sure the house was cleaned more but I feel I am not the only one that should be doing this. Now I say nothing and just do it. We have 2 kids S16 D13 I feel that they should along with him help me. I do all the cleaning,( he does do the dishes)shopping and cooking.He tells me that it is my job to do not the kids or his.
Right now he wants me to move out but we do not have the money for it. I also found out I have to have surg done the end of June. I have been trying to do as much as I can to make him happy. He tells me he never signed up to take care of me like this. I have back problems all though the surg is not for that. He says that I am crabby and just hates to be around me.
My first reaction is to tell you I think he's doing you a favor by saying he doesn't love you anymore because he sounds like a jerk who doesn't deserve someone like you.
However, you obviously want your M to work or you wouldn't be here, and I don't mean to be so judgmental.
Were the words not stated "In sickness and in health" during your ceremony? Telling you that he "didn't sign up to take care of you like this" is cruel.
You are not a doormat. And you are not wrong for thinking that your family should be helping you with the household.
I am very sorry that you are going through this and that you are hurting.
"Everyone you meet has baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack." ¤Formerly DelinquentGurl¤
I suggest you take a look at that. Ring any bells for you?
His rigidity regarding housework ( women's work) is worrying IMHO.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
As a man I cannot believe in this day and age that there are men that still believe that; especially since you are working sooo many hours.
That is absolutely ridiculous. Gender roles do not have a place in contemporary society.
Do you help him with the yard? Do you help him with other traditional gender role things.
I dont want to be judgemental either, but this does not sound like a nice guy to me.
Once you get a bad back, your spouse should be very sympathetic about it.
Hope things go well for you. There will be many people that will help you with the actual Dbing.
Try and stay calm and in control.
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BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
So he doesnt love you and may want out of the marriage, and he asks you to move out? Unless he is being abusive, you should stay in the house. If he wants out that bad let him move. You have as much right to be in the house as him.
Can you expand more on the "problems" you mentioned. You will get more feedback if you provide some more details. From what you wrote, your H sounds a bit controlling.
ME:47 WAW:45 SON:19 SON:12 M:21 yrs T: 22 yrs BOMB: 3/26/10 EA/PA apr-may 2010 Current: no OM (I think) moved out sept 2010 D filed D w/b final 4/6/2011
I know you're hurting right now but you've come to the right place. Finish up that DB book and get Divorce Remedy- I really like DR the best.
The best way for us to help is to understand more and more about your sitch. The interactions between you and H help the most. However, you should see which DB principles you want to implement before you go full on interacting with your H.
Also, it sounds like you are both still in the house and willing to work on things at least a little? What is the chance for going to some counseling at this point?
Well he told me he will not go to counseling some one can not help him to love me when he does not. He said how do you think I feel when I do not love my wife.
Yes we are in the same house up until the end of March I was the bread winner in the house. I lost my job and then he tells me this like 2 weeks later.
The problems that we had back in July was that he was not happy. I think this was because he became friends with one of his sisters girl friends. She would txt him sexual jokes non stop and flirt with him all the time. My H is a big flirt with every one. Well I found out that around Christmas time they meet at a bar for a holiday drink I was very upset as I do not know this person well. I told him the issue that I had and was told that I need to drop it nothing was going on. I also found out that he would tell people not to txt him when I got home from work because I would lose my mind with his phone going off non stop. Well the icing on the cake in July was another female friend of his that I do not know well txt him on our way home from a weekend out with the family camping and wants a motor cycle ride. He tells her ok and I was fine with this. How ever I also wanted to go for a ride that day. Well she winds up changing the time like 4 times. When they did go they did not come back right away was gone for an hour or so. I get a txt from him that he is at the bar with her I could come up if I want.
Well now we have an old school friend that he has been going out with almost every Friday and yes she is female. They meet up with other high school friends and hang out. I have been invited and have gone a few times but I don't care for these friends of his. I have even shown up with out him knowing I was coming and I do not think they have any thing going on. I do think she is the one pushing this though.
So that is how we are here again I asked him if something was going on with this one. I had asked him this with the other 2 and he said no. I told him that I am sorry but what should I think you do not talk to me or want me around you have pushed me away. I asked him how he would feel. He tells me that I did push him away and yes I did but it was so that I could make money for the family. I was at work not out with friends drinking. I told him I know now that I put my job first and I am very sorry for that. I missed my kids growing up because we chose for me to work. I worked all kinds of hours and his mother took care of them until he got home and he would then take over. I told him that I do not feel as stressed now because I do not have to stress over my job any more. That I know that I was crabby and will not be as stressed now. All he will say is people don't change. I should have never let you back last time.
I know that he like's the house to be clean but I told him I think that I was not doing it to get his attention. He said well you got it are you Happy that it ended you M.
I so feel like I am fighting an up hill battle. My 13D today ask's me when I am moving out. I tell her I am not sure that I do not want to. She then wants to know why, I tell her because I love your father and want my M to work. She tells me that she wants us to get a D. So I txt and tell my H. He ask's if I asked her why and I told him I did. She said because we are calmer when we are by our self. Well see my 13D is grounded because she has been acting up a lot. We found out that she wants to come live with me because she knows that I will not be home a lot. She thinks she can come and go when ever she wants. The line of business that I am in I work from 9 to 5. She will be home from 2:30 till I get home at 5:30.
So my H say's I think she is right. He does not see that she is just doing this. He see's it as he is right we need to D. I stopped the conversation when he told me that she would stay with him.
So H is going out again tonight. H is taking the motorcycle found out he is picking up her female friend to take her to the bar. He knows how I feel about female's on the motorcycle with him. I would not have found out that she was going if his sister did not stop by to drop off her car. He proceeds to tell her who he is going out with. I said nothing to him just let him drive off on the bike. I don't understand this man any more. He never drank during the week now he is out drinking. He tells me he will be home at 8:30. I am not going to hold my breath.
I have been on the phone for 2 days now with the Dr. having issues. They may have to push my surg up and he goes out drinking how nice. I am not going to bring up him going out on the bike at all. I just don't understand how every now and then he tells me he wants us to work.
